The Blindsided Breakup: The Breakup Part 1 (ch.3)
Isn’t love the act of choosing to love, commit, and stay despite momentary instances?
Forty-eight hours before Winter Wonderland...
It was a beautiful Sunday. We woke up after a night out with friends, slightly hungover, and spent the morning till early afternoon ‘rolling around’ in bed (multiple times… keeping it PG, but trust me, it is relevant in later articles).
We were out with good friends of mine the night before and then ran into his friends. Oddly, anyone who saw us that night kept commenting on how happy we looked.
We got out of bed and had a nice Notting Hill stroll. On the way home he said, ‘I haven’t got you flowers in months have I…’ and bought me flowers from my favourite flower stand on Portobello Road. I was over the moon; I think I thanked him 300 times.
Context: He had given me flowers once throughout the relationship, and even that once to me was equal to 100 flowers. Because:
a. it was the sweetest gesture that he called me in the middle of a workday asking me if I was home to come and surprise me with it.
b. he had given me the flowers by also pointing out that he never gets women flowers or gifts, which made the gesture seem even more ‘special’ than it was.
We went back to my place and booked flights to Rome. We had decided to spend Christmas in Rome. We browsed hotels and restaurants. Rome is my favourite city in the world. I may sound cheesy, but I have never been to Rome with a man I loved before, and it’s been a fairytale dream of mine since the first time I went there, to one day go with the man I love.
Why are all the details I mentioned above important? Since the breakup, while I replayed many moments again, this 24 hours is the one I not only have replayed the most but still sometimes replay. Going from that day despite any tension/problems that were/were not apparent, days/weeks/months before to the 48 hours later… Shock.
He left that night to have dinner with his son (college age), and he was going to spend Monday night with him too before he left for the holidays (or so he said… with everything that happened after who knows…). He told me to buy tickets for Winter Wonderland for Tuesday night.
The day of Winter Wonderland…
I hadn’t heard from him in over 24 hours… One text only since he left my place that Sunday afternoon, while not the most unusual thing as he was a terrible texter and only occasionally called, it was still weird that I hadn’t heard from him.
It was almost time for when we would need to know when we were meeting for Winter Wonderland so I texted him saying: Baby, please kindly call me when you can so we can decide the logistics for the evening…
He called and started going on about how tired he was, how busy he was, how he had out-of-town colleagues that he needed to take out that night, how he slept super late the night before etc…
Once he stopped I gently reminded him that we had Winter Wonderland plans that evening, that he had told me to get tickets for, but that I understood if he could no longer go. He said he forgot about it but will see if he can wrap up work so we can go.
But I had this sixth sense instinct alarm rushing through my body after hearing how stressed and overwhelmed he was. While I didn’t fully understand since I knew nothing about his past 48 hours almost, I still understood that he needed rest and Winter Wonderland was a bad idea.
So, I said: ‘Baby, let’s not go. You are tired, you said you didn’t sleep, you are stressed, it is not worth it. Your resting is more important. Why don’t you go home and rest, if you want, I can come over, order food, watch a movie, and have an easy night? We can do winter wonderland another night.’
He said: ‘No babe, we will go tonight. I won’t be able to do it another night. I want to go. Otherwise, we won’t be able to.’
I felt it in every inch of my body… I just knew it was a bad idea! I felt it!
I said: ‘Baby, please, you are tired. It’s not worth it; tickets were nothing; I can hear from your voice you are overwhelmed and tired. Let’s just chill tonight. You should rest. I also gave blood today, for a test so I don’t mind taking it easy. You really won’t enjoy it when you are tired.’
He said: ‘I will call you shortly.’
My mind was literally screaming, DO NOT GO TO WINTER WONDERLAND. Something was off. I think I felt it for the last week, if not longer… With the silence and the last 48 hours and then hearing him ramble like that… then he forgets our plan. Something was wrong, but I thought, ‘It’s his work’…
I prepared a text in my Notes app to send to him.
Please, let’s not go to Winter Wonderland. If we don’t go tonight, we just won’t go this year. It’s okay. Let’s rest. You are tired, I gave blood, I am tired too, and you need to rest.
But before I could send this, he called. He said he was leaving the office now and told me to meet him at Paddington Station. And before I could say anything else, he hung up.
We took a taxi from the station. He felt distant. I was trying my best to make conversation, so I asked him if he booked the ski trip with his son. They were due to meet in X (the country left out for his privacy) literally that weekend and I was due to fly to see my best friend in Milan.
Again, if I don’t ask, I don’t know. He could be flying the day after, and I might not know. I could call him, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he said, ‘Oh… did I not tell you I left the country…’ or when I thought he was still in another country ‘Oh did I not tell you I am flying back to London right now’… I mean these did not happen exactly but close to exactly like that…
So anyway, back to the taxi… I asked him multiple questions to understand his trip as he was supposedly going to stay a few nights at his ex-wife’s house who lives in the X country. I didn’t fully understand their plan. I asked further questions on this to understand. Last I knew it was a ski trip with his son, but now there were other details. The subject of ex-wife was new to me, and I was doing my best to respect their ‘normal’ (everyone has a different ‘normal’ and I respect it all), if I was asking, it was because I wanted to understand, I wanted to know more about his ‘normal’. I wanted to be let in…
I was so scared to ask too many questions or the wrong questions that could in any way overwhelm him or make him think I was trying to restrict his freedom or ‘control’ him. Plus I would never get in between a father's and a son’s time together and if that involved the mother I’d need to get on board but I deserved honesty, communication, and a chance to understand.
Maybe I asked one too many questions:
a. I was curious about my boyfriend’s trip. It is the same excitement and curiosity I have for any of my friends. Like if my best friend tells me she and her husband are going to X city. I would ask her where they are staying, how many days they are going, why they chose this place, where else they will go, where they will eat… etc., and she would not think I was trying to control or restrict her.
b. again! If I never asked, I NEVER KNEW.
c. yes, the ex-wife situation was new for me. Not because of anything with her or trust in him, but because it was just new. I had never dated a man that is divorced, and I needed communication and transparency to understand (which I didn’t get). He has been doing the divorce thing for years, but to me, it was new, and he didn’t want to empathise with that when I was trying to empathise with him.
I am also that person; the more I know, the more I understand, the calmer I feel. Not that I needed to feel calm about a trip but about anything that had to do with him. Also knowing whenever he travelled somewhere I would hear from him rarely… Definitely not daily… He became a completely detached person when he travelled.
Why do I feel the need to OVER-explain why I asked my boyfriend questions about his trip… (which should be ultra normal…) Well because wait for it… It will become relevant in the next part…
After giving me short answers and pointing out that he doesn’t like that he feels like he is being questioned, he went quiet and tense.
We got out of the taxi and walked towards the entrance line… We shook the ride off as we started talking about Rome reservations and what we would eat/drink first when we entered Winter Wonderland, back to smiling and happy. We were holding hands, and it was okay. Momentary tense instances, misunderstandings, and annoyances were normal no? All part of being in a relationship? It was about moving forward from those moments and choosing each other.
So we were okay… I thought we were okay. At least… for another hour…
The point of this article is that tense and difficult moments happen in relationships. We don’t commit or love someone thinking this person is perfect and easy. We commit because we look at one person and say I feel with my whole heart that I want to be with this person; I am choosing to be with this person. Despite the imperfections, despite the potential ‘betters’ out there. It’s about choosing to love, commit, stay, build together and continue the relationship.
Despite moments like the ones in this article during the relationship, I know I always chose love when it came to him. Despite the ending I got, I am thankful to look back and know I chose love, even at my weakest moments that followed the breakup. I think we all deserve to choose love.
Firstly choose love for yourself.
Secondly, in a way (even if they don’t deserve it), isn’t a person capable of causing so much pain to those who love them in need of that love, maybe even more?
Next article: One Year Ago (ch.4)
Previous article: Relationship Through My Eyes Before The Breakup (ch.2)
Coming soon: The Breakup Part 2 (ch.5)
