You Are Ugly; No One Loves You.
My mind plays toxic games with me and tells me I don’t deserve love because I don’t have the looks for it….
There are days when all I can think of is my broken heart. The way I was left behind even after giving my hundred percent aches so severely that breathing becomes difficult.
Some days, I feel very confident and content with my life, of the countless blessings and how my efforts turned into outstanding results. Not everyone has been able to reach where I am today, and I know I am one of the lucky ones in so many ways. I can’t even thank the Creator enough for the countless blessings I have, but some days that mean voice in my head makes me think otherwise.
Ashley J.J. White talks about that mean voice we all have in our heads in her article “How to contend with mean voice in your head”. The voice that feeds on negative thoughts, the voice that doesn’t let us sleep. The voice that plays our flaws on repeat mode. The voice that turns our most minor mistakes into biggest regrets. I, too, have that voice, and it consumes so much of my energy to fight this bitch.
One thing I have not been lucky enough to have is “Love”. The kind of love I crave for. The love that cannot leave you alone in times of distress. The love that entails fighting for you. The love that cannot imagine letting you down.
This voice keeps telling me I am not good enough in anything I do. There are days when I doubt my skills at work. There are days when I question my judgments about people and their intentions. There are days when I feel like the most useless, worthless person on earth no one loves.
However, in response to all these mean things, my guardian angel, the cheerful voice in my head, takes over almost immediately. It shuts down the mean voice in my head and calms me down. It reminds me of my achievements, the kind words people spoke to me, and the way I am respected at my workplace. My kind voice has many arguments to defeat this mean voice about these elements of my life.
However, there is one point where my mean voice always wins. It brings out that inferiority complex about my looks and defeats me every time. On this point, it always wins. It tells me I didn’t find the love I always admired just because I don’t have the right looks. It shames me, yells at me, and insults me for the heartbreak I had to deal with.
It laughs right in my face while telling me, “what do you even have in yourself to be loved? You thought someone would actually fall in love with you? Were you really that naïve to consider yourself worthy of love? Don’t you look in the mirror? Can’t you see how ugly you are?”
It makes me feel so bad that on some days, I think of trading all my skills, manners, intelligence, and everything good I have for a pretty face and unforgettable looks. What is the use of all my qualities if none of these can make me lovable?
What if I didn’t have the brains people admire but had the most beautiful eyes, prettiest face, ideal height, stunning hair and everything that would make me stand out in the crowd? Wouldn’t I have found love? Would it be easy for people to ignore me and move on with their lives like I don’t exist?
I try my best to fight this voice, but somehow it always wins. It manages to bring out my insecurities in a way that nothing looks better than a pretty face.
I am not a shallow person who falls for looks, and I genuinely appreciate the kind, respectful, well mannered, down-to-earth people, who know how to treat others. I like people with whom I can engage in deep conversations, where the difference of opinion is dealt with respectfully. I like the company of intelligent, inspirational and motivational people around me.
I have a decent social circle; many of them appreciate and admire me for so many things. People respect me, get inspiration, and have faith in me. Even then, for some reason, this inferiority complex is rooted so deep that I can’t seem to get rid of it anytime soon.
If I am being honest, this mean voice in my head has repeated these things so many times that even if someone praises me for my looks, I won’t believe them because this evil voice doesn’t let me.
Do you think I will ever be able to snub this voice and feel good about how I look? Do you think people only fall for the looks, or is it love that makes someone beautiful and unforgettable in their eyes?
Share your thoughts.
