Adaptation and Acceptance — the Coronavirus edition
How to live your best life when the world has other plans…
These days I communicate with my friends mostly through sharing memes. Why come up with my own words when others before me have done a WAY better job? Work smarter, not harder people.
In these Coronavirus times, which have prompted a lot of fear and dread, for us lucky ones who have simply been banished to the confines of our four walls, the sharing of some lightness and humour is vital… and the memes are on point.
This meme got me good — because, in my case, it is truer than true.
You see, when the order was given to stay at home and sit in the unknown indefinitely with no way of predicting what set of circumstances we’ll be faced with at the culmination of this waiting game… I was like, “oh, so continue as I was?!”
You see, it just so happens that for the past 8 months I’ve been living out the emotional cycles of this self-isolation scenario, so I wasn’t frightened by the prospect of the twilight zone, because, I have now become quite expert at this way of living. Slow is my happy place now. Flow is my mantra.
It wasn’t an overnight, nor pretty process to get to this place of embracing uncertainty and finding joy and opportunity in the mundane… and I also know that I’ll likely enter into a new cycle of similar emotions as new challenges are thrust upon me…
But NOW… it seems I have company… and many of you are new to the party!
So, first of all, WELCOME.
I can hear your angst and I see you.
I’ve been listening to my beautiful friends talk about the difficult realities they’re having to navigate and what these limitations and forced changes are triggering inside of them… and I have absolute compassion.
This process is not easy.
You are no doubt sitting at one of the landmarks along the gruelling psychological journey from shock, frustration, disbelief or denial… or trudging through the hills of depression and anger, fear and anxiety and or clawing upwards towards hope and the summit of acceptance…
Wherever you’re at — good for you. It’s a natural process and I can tell you this — it be a mountain to climb… but each time you climb it, you’re getting stronger and fitter and better at handling the inevitability of change and evolution.
In my case, it began after the voluntary reshuffling of the old deck in the game that is life. What followed was a series of events, which forced me to pull up the ‘life hand-break’ and with a screech, change course.
Now, when we fling ourselves by choice or are involuntarily flung into the unknown… the first thing we come face to face with is the sense that we are not in control.
We already know this, right? There are certain things that are outside of our control… but that doesn’t mean that when we face this realisation anew, it doesn’t trigger an emotional response.
There are multiple ways of reacting —freezing with fear, ruminating in anxiety and panic, running into the sea naked with reckless abandon, pouring the contents of your liquor cabinet into the bathtub and swim-drinking in it, squealing with excitement… all are understandable and natural human responses.
But … say we could identify what comes up for us involuntarily… and then take a beat to begin working on controlling our RESPONSE… which response would we like to choose? Which will best serve us?
If you answered swim-drinking… I see you — I like you — but… no. We’re looking for responses that won’t set-off a chain reaction of EVEN MORE unsustainable responses and a call to the fire department.
I’d like to show you what I’ve learned so far about different strategies for play when thrust into a world beyond your sense of control, in the hopes that you can find a bit of ‘how to’ in the search for serenity inside an uncomfortable process.
LEARN TO SURRENDER OR BE FORCED INTO SUBMISSION
I’d been working as a news anchor in the Middle East and until now, career had equalled purpose. My job was a huge part of my identity and drive for the past decade; the actual love of my (so far) life; the thing I kept choosing again and again over everything else (like balance, routine, sleep, lunch breaks, taking sick days without the fear of being fired … and sanity).
But then, something started to wriggle inside of me and it wasn’t stopping to wriggle. I didn’t know where else I wanted to be or what else I wanted to do… all I knew was that this wasn’t it. I was also curious to discover what it meant to find a reason for being that was not linked to my job (ego question of the time: who are we when we stop doing the things we think make us who we are?) but I can tell you that I was terrified to call it a day.
It was uncomfortable and unsettling to give up my life as I had known it… and to put a pause on building whatever it was I thought I was building…
My long list of reasons for breaking up with the love of my so far life falls outside of the scope of this blog post… but, I’ve long held the belief that life is too short to hold onto things that are no longer serving us, just to protect ourselves from the fear of the unknown…
I mean, Elsa from Frozen II got an epic new outfit when she did it…
So, with a wish for some sort of spiritual up-levelling in my heart, into the abyss, I did jump.
Now, here’s why they say be careful what you wish for…
Even though I’d invited the ‘unknown’ into my life — it decided to have its way with me.
But — I came away with some valuable insights.
Loosening your grip on control is a very subtle process….
One that will require you to realise you didn’t have a grip on it, in the first place.
You see, I went into the unknown thinking that I actually knew. In other words, I had a plan for the unknown.
I walked into the unknown only willing to tolerate a certain storyline.
The unknown, to me, meant — surrendering to a future of, who knows, maybe some travel, further study, volunteering… whatever I so desired. It was the unknown, you know? I would be free to decide, to create, to explore! This is the beauty of the unknown! And this was the plan.
Now, plans are good… we can have plans. But, what happens when life has plans that aren’t the same as your plans?
The only thing that works when thrust into a foreign experience… is to surrender. If you don’t surrender… what will happen next is you’ll be FORCED into SUBMISSION. The two feel very different.
Now, surrender doesn’t mean DO NOTHING. Not at all. Surrender means to go with the flow… but really… GO with it. MOVE with it. Feel into the situation and what’s being called of you from a place of love and compassion for yourself and not from a place of fear, rush, holding on, squeezing… controlling.
The fact is NATURE is in control… and NATURE will let you know what’s happening and when. You just need to be astute enough to sense when the environment is supportive of your desires. Surrender asks for you to make plans, have desires and move forward… but without ATTACHMENT to the outcome. Letting go of when it will be … and how it will look.
So, I asked…
I had a desire…
I took action…
I quit my job…
I had wanted new insights, a spiritual up-levelling, deeper purpose, deeper meaning, healing… inspiration, connection, joy, relaxation, restoration.
Nature is never wrong… the laws of nature are the laws of nature… and so it knows best.
And Nature answered my call.
As I moved into my life up-levelling mode with my hands securely on the steering wheel… Nature had a laugh and decided it had better fast-track my learning process by peeling my fingers off the wheel finger by finger.
I lie. It K.Od me in one fell swoop to the hip joint.
Let me explain.
This lesson of ABSOLUTE SURRENDER needed to hit me over the actual femoral head (stay with me).
You see, MY plan, once I was funemployed was to be funemployed! This meant exploring our glorious planet and being able to follow my heart, untethered. It was time to do all the things I’d put on the back burner in favour of my career. I began researching yoga teacher trainings to undertake in India, villages to volunteer at in Africa, monasteries to teach kids at in Bhutan, quiet natural paradises where I could write and swim near waterfalls and relax and get inspired and I was going to do all the things! Let’s get moving, people!
And then…
One day…
Only a few weeks after quitting my job…
I couldn’t walk.
There would be no moving.
Every step I took sent a debilitating wave of pain through my hip (where the femoral head sits inside the pelvis — you see what I did now).
My hip had been hurting me for a week or two… but each day the pain was getting worse and my ability to walk then diminished to a point where I had to stay in my house all day, every day (self-Isolation bootcamp begins). A true highlight of the week would become walking down the stairs of my Tel Aviv apartment and up the street to the nearest corner store to buy a snack, sitting on a bench for ten minutes until my hip stopped throbbing, and then hobbling home. #livingmybestlife
This was not the plan, Jan.
This is not the unknown that I had signed up for.
Hang on…not working AND not walking was not the space I’d hoped to create for myself.
Where was my up-levelling hero medal? I’d risked a lot in favour of being brave, untethering, living for the moment, following my heart, living in alignment with my values, refusing to be a mouthpiece for pain… and the reward for this was No India. No Africa. No Bhutan. No waterfalls. No nowhere.
What did this Joker of a card want from me? I could NOT understand why this set of circumstances had befallen me…
When you are pushed into a scenario, coming face to face with the illusion of control happens quite abruptly.
This can trigger shock, disbelief and frustration.
But we are then given the keys to this treasure: within the choices that are available to us lies our control.
Play the best game you can with what you’ve got in your hands. Use the cards you’ve been dealt… use your energy to develop the best strategy inside the confines of your lot… and don’t waste your time wishing for another deck to draw from. It might sound limiting in a world where we’re told we have the power to create our own reality — but that can often be a trap that sends us flailing our fists against a stubborn universe. I’ve found, there’s so much freedom and liberation that comes with accepting what is here RIGHT NOW, working with what you’ve been given and letting circumstances happen FOR you rather than TO you. It’s also lunacy to construct a game-plan for an imaginary scenario with cards you don’t even have to play with.
Ultimately, we don’t know what’s around the corner. We can think that we do… we can place our bets… but when reality doesn’t match our predictions or meet our desires, the best we can do is respond to the needs of the moment. In order to respond appropriately, we need to be adaptable and flexible, as well as honest about what’s on the table (more on this later).
DO LESS, ACCOMPLISH MORE
Slow down — they’re such naughty words in our manic western world.
They’re almost like admitting to eating that extra piece of chocolate.
“I know. I slowed down… I took a break… how indulgent of me!”
Sigh.
They say, be careful what you wish for.
I made a decision to take a break from life as I knew it… in order to upgrade what came next.
What I didn’t realise about upgrading is that I’d need to download a whole bunch of new software and update my operating system… which also meant deleting the old one in order to make room for this overwrite.
Our computers make this process look so easy. We press a couple buttons, wait for a few minutes and voila! But when it comes to human wiring, holy fuckedy, this shit be like untangling all the cords in the long forgotten bottom drawer in the old shed and it plays out like a months long journey of self-discovery, healing, identity shedding, emotional growth and discomfort.
As they say, you’ll never be able to create the right reality if you aren’t willing to let the wrong reality go.
I’d been living my life AT PACE…
In the book by Harald S. Harung and Frederick Travis, “Excellence through Mind-Brain Development: The Secrets of World-Class Performers” these two doctors explore world-class performance through a lens which takes into account the mind-brain relationship. They outline the neurological wiring, processing mechanism and its connection with mind matter like beliefs, values and ‘consciousness’ in top world-class performers.
Look at the sixth column down…
I saw a lot of resistance emerge within me when I was forced to slow down.
I had not yet experienced the counterintuitive approach of doing less to achieve more… and guys, it’s like SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to be the key to becoming like Oprah and Sir Paul McCartney and Stephen Covey and Billie Jean King. The book makes a VERY good case for it.
This hip thing wasn’t fair, though. I just wanted to try out a different course than living to work… and now I was being forced to put my foot on the break, move the gear into park, take my hands off the steering wheel… and give this vehicle the new parts it needed for the next phase of the journey. (Oof, that was a good pun sesh.)
The car I’d been driving to this point needed a full service — on the engine, on the wheels, on the body… and if I wasn’t going to pull into the pit to refuel on my own… the #universe would put a stoke in the tyre, until I spun out to a standstill. (Ok, I’m done.)
Ok #universe. I’m sitting down and I’m listening. One step at a time. I get it. So now… what have you got for me?
You’ve got a 7 week wait until your MRI appointment… and until then, you’re stuck in your apartment, sweetheart.
Cue anger and self-pity.
I didn’t want to wait 7 weeks. This is a completely unreasonable amount of time to put life on hold! I’d made a big change so that I could do more things to learn more things about the other things I wanted to do and then see some things so that I could do more things after that with a different perspective!
I started to notice my patterns. The beliefs that had been driving me and guiding my decisions. I was in such a hurry. I was trying to hoover up the world.
What was this part of me that always needed ‘to do’?
Deep.
But really… what was that? What was driving that restlessness? Where was it trying to go? What did it want to feel? Why was this moment, just as it is, not a good enough moment? What was so scary about 7 weeks of slow… easy… restoration… without shiny distractions of new adventures and environments? What wasn’t satisfying enough about right here and right now?
Play around with this one. Get super honest with yourself. Denying your truth won’t make it go away. You’ve got to deal with the uncomfortable and yucky stuff to get to the good. Annoying — but them’s the breaks (that I had to learn how to take).
Make sure there’s someone to hold your hand when questions about self-worth emerge…
You are enough, my love. You don’t need any bells or whistles. You are amazing as you are in this very moment. There’s nowhere to go. There’s nothing to do other than to respond to the needs of this moment. If you’re too busy flapping around — how will you know what those are? Stop. Be still. Listen to your heart.
THE WAVES WILL COME… SO MAKE LIKE KELLY SLATER
Perhaps its clear to see that adjusting to the unknown is not in a straight line.
The benefit of this is that each time a new set of waves approaches… you get another chance to practice. You then get better at reading the tide… at choosing whether to sit and let a set float past you without engaging… or whether to start paddling along with it, jump on your board and to ride that wave to shore…
During my first 7 week wait for my first specialist appointment (sidebar — this becomes an 8 month journey of specialist waiting lists), I practiced patience. I practiced leaning into non-productivity. I could do this. I practiced acceptance.
I leaned into it. I leaned into the fact that I could do nothing to change this situation other than my attitude.
After endless weeks of endless blissing out in the world of endless scrolling through previews… I began to to do some writing. This snowballed into researching and studying Hebrew and studying Vedic wisdom. I had meetings with creative start-ups. I came up with business ideas, podcast ideas, new show ideas… and bashed around premises for content which could help humans find a way to be nicer to each other (a symptom of covering the Israeli-Palestinian conflict every day).
Break taking failing.
I was back in my old OUTPUT OUTPUT OUTPUT mode.
Something had flicked the button back to my default setting…
What was that thing?
Fear. Fear of time running away. Fear of missing out. Fear of falling behind. Fear of being invisible. Fear of being irrelevant. Fear of sitting fucking still.
AHA. I’ve seen you before.
Let’s start over.
It was up to me to recognise where I could control the narrative…
I needed to change the inner mechanism which was keeping this operating system stuck within a redundant and outdated loop.
What was wrong with the chance I’ve been given to just be purposeless? To just coast… and be creative.. and play? Without any goal… or expectation for yourself… or mission to complete…?
I ventured back into many a dark and hidden secret lair buried in the closet of childhood and adolescence and I could then see the adult choices I’d been making in response to these unexplored and unhealed traumas and limited, fear-fuelled beliefs of yonder years.
Seriously? I thought I’d already done this… but nope. This shit be layered.
Our programming is so hardwired by the time we are adults, that a few journal entries and breath therapy sessions are not going to cut it when it comes to personal growth. Dangit. Go deeper, child.
And so I went… and there it was —
If I’m not in the driver’s seat… if I’m not in constant action and in a state of hyper-vigilance… who knows what will happen…? Who will make sure that things don’t go horribly wrong…?
Trust issues. Most of us have them cos this world be wobbly as fuck. When the Almighty Lord and decider of all things kicks you with a stiletto and takes away a parent and makes them a vegetable when you’re 10 years old, you’re gonna have some problems with faith in the divine.
When you work in the news industry and watch the pain and suffering of countless innocent humans on a daily basis, you’re gonna question whether things are likely to work in your favour.
When you travel through Poland and see the Nazi death camps and hear the horror stories of the human capacity to inflict pain onto one’s fellow man…
When you interview prisoners of war hung from the backs of their legs for days on end… and report from the Israel-Gaza border as rockets spray from the sky… you’re going to start questioning who’s running the show and why these are the games they want us to play. What are the motives of this wily puppet-master? I don’t think I like him… #taintedworldview
[A quick aside — in our world of incessant consumption, this is a big lesson about taking time to process what we ingest on a daily basis. We put so few restrictions around what we allow into our systems, not recognising that our psyche is absorbing it all and then its being stored inside our cellular memories. We also spend even less time making sure we unpack the junk we’ve consumed… and discard it. This is one of the many purposes of meditation — it’s a mind-body filtration process]
But, I don’t get it…. I wanted a break from the hard stuff. I wanted to restore and upgrade my system…!!
I woke up in the middle of the night with a swarm of anger in my stomach. Why? Why must THIS be the journey? Why can’t the journey to upgrade look like a series of sun salutations in Bali? I suppose because that would be easy to accept…? There would be no actual growth in there? They say that to get the juice, the orange needs to be squeezed — so learn to enjoy the squeeze.
This practice was not about shining a turd… but about seeing that the only thing turdy about sitting still, was my conditioning… my fears… my ego.
This opportunity for self reflection was a GIFT. The sooner I make peace with the darkness… the sooner I shall find the light.
SEE THOUGHTS AS INFORMATION AND NOT AS FACT
What’s going to happen when I finally find out what’s wrong with my hip and I haven’t had any time to travel or explore and then I have to go back to work… ? What if I can’t work out what I want to do for work? What if I can’t get another job straight away?
Anxiety. There you are babes. What took you so long?
Things like anxiety and fear arise over and over again but each time you can get better at adapting to their theatrics. When anxiety and fear pay you a visit, look at them and begin mediation by telling them where their place is; not here in your mind at 2am.
Here is what I tell my safety conscious friends anxiety and panic when they show up in the night; there is no way for me to find whatever imagined sense of security you’re looking for while I’m sleeping. I can continue to ‘future-trip’ into an imagined future scenario with you in the morning, when I wake up… and after I’ve meditated and brushed my teeth… but, for now… into your box you go. I promise I’ll hear you out in the morning.
I will sit in observation of the physical sensations that arise when these unhelpful thoughts shoot adrenaline and cortisol into my blood stream. I feel my heart beat… I feel the heat course through my body… I feel my chest tighten. Oh! Interesting. That’s what this hormone does to the state of my body. Chemicals are cool. Just observe with interest.
Then I will breath deep into my pelvis. They call it deep belly breathing — but to achieve this depth… I set the target even lower. I direct the air through my nostrils and down through a big pipe as though its bypassing my lungs and heading straight into my pelvis… in order to redirect the breath from my chest into my belly…. letting my stomach rise and then fall as I slowly release the air out through my mouth (or nostrils… your choice).
By acknowledging the emotional states for what they are (desperate attempts to manufacture a fool-proof response to a future reality that exists only in your imagination) and putting them in their place… your provocative friends begin to visit a lot less frequently. When they do visit they need much less of a talking to than they did before. It’s almost like “oh. You again. Yeah, listen, we’ve had this conversation and I’m not interested in your scaremongering and pity party songs. I love you, I see you, I know you’re just trying to look out for me… but, you’re not needed right now. So… be gone”.
This doesn’t only apply to nighttime anxiety — obviously. You always have the power to create a sense of space between thinking a thought and listening to that thought. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.
Looking too far into the future, which is only imagined after all, prevents us from responding to the present moment and what we’re being called to engage with fully at the time — and sometimes, that’s sleeping. Get some rest.
BRICK BY BRICK, BUILD YOUR CASTLE
So, there I was back in my birth city, Sydney, Australia, finally with a diagnosis for my hips and about 8 months of not working and way too much naval gazing behind me and it was now time to work out what’s next. I had a choice to make. What to do professionally and — while I have some hip healing and not a lot of walking to do — where to live? To return to Australia or start afresh in Israel?
Big decision time.
The entrance of my new friend Pierpaolo (what a name) from Milan, Italy into my life is gonna take us to our next revelation.
One evening, Pier and I decided to play a card game. He wanted me to teach him Rummy. He wanted to see if it had any similarities to the game, Scala 40, which he played growing up in Italy. (It does).
When explaining the rules, I laid out two strategies you can use to win.
One strategy involves laying out your cards face-up on the table, once you have built a run of three cards worthy of play. Whatever. The point is, when you have a worthy and playable hand, you play it.
You reveal it as soon as you have it.
This strategy means smaller plays along the way to secure a final victory.
By playing this way, you’re free to be very clear as to what your next move can be — the options in your hands don’t confuse you, which, if you choose the second strategy below, could leave you with an entire unplayed hand by the time your opponent has played all of theirs.
The second strategy involves building your entire hand secretly and then only laying down all your cards in one solo KABLAMO move. The shock factor is huge and the victory is sweet, because you’ve been risking your opponent beating you to the punch, leaving you with a pile of unplayed cards in your hand.
Pier and I were both using the KABLAMO strategy and he kept beating me. This strategy was just not working for me. BOO! I much preferred the KABLAMO tactic and wanted to keep playing this way. But to beat Pier, it turned out, I needed to play the step by step strategy so that each fresh card I drew could inform my next move. And when I played this way, I won. Hmm… curious.
I saw this playing out metaphorically in my life as I weighed up my choices.
I started to mull my game plan for reengaging with the world after (notalways)funemployment.
Do I, step by step, try my hand at different things in different spaces that feel in alignment with my newfound perspective as they come up — and over time, play by play, brick by brick, build my new house?
Or do I just collect all the pieces of the puzzle first and then lay it down in one big KABLAMO move — yay! Overnight new house!
Not that a card game should inform how to play the game of my life — but I chose to believe it was a ‘sign’. I tuned in to what feels easier to manage when you feel like you’re staring at a blank slab of concrete. What to build?
It seems that the game plan that is producing the best results for ME right now is to show my cards as I have them; to play fully with what I’ve got, so as to allow for the next card I draw to present the next clear move.
Small steps feel far more manageable. One, because my hips won’t allow any other way (#universe you are so darn prophetic) and two because I’m finding that the easiest way of reinventing a new reality is by putting down what comes through as it comes through.
It means that I don’t feel blocked by having too many options while I’m rediscovering myself… and not knowing which move to make next because it’s all so new. It also means that if my hands are full of too many different options, my energy is spent in carrying them around, and I won’t have room to pick up any necessary and more appropriate ones along the way.
If we break things down into small steps that we can accomplish one at a time it will build up confidence and self-worth as we go. Here’s where hope and acceptance can enter the picture.
Don’t be afraid to play. The worst that can happen is you draw new cards and play those as best you can.
DON’T FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT
I’ve said it many times now — but we need to look reality in the face.
It might not be pretty… but come on guys, we’ve got what it takes to stare it down.
If we want to improve the situation… we need to acknowledge it for what it is.
The reality is that control is an illusion.
We might not like it…
But once we can accept that we’re not in control of the external circumstances… we’ll be able to meet reality by spending less time stamping our feet and more time practicing our inner gymnastics routine. We’ll ensure we’re ever limber, nimble, flexible, adaptable… and we’ll get so much better and moving through unexpected changes.
As Tim Elmore says -
“Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child”.
Accepting a situation also includes accepting yourself and valuing all parts of who you are. Going through these cycles of self-exploration isn’t for naught… because as we grow and experience different things, we can update our old beliefs about ourselves and what we’re capable of. Old patterns can be rewritten… old programs, recoded…. so we need to be willing to look at ourselves and our tendencies with love and compassion.
We should not be afraid to explore why we are the way we are. Information is power. What you’ll find, ultimately, is liberation.
Let’s acknowledge our biases and take a look at whether we’re living the life we think we’re supposed to live as opposed to the one that we’re being called to live. What does it mean to be “called”? It means being still enough inside ourselves to respond to the demands of the current reality without fear and a need to manipulate…
You can’t know what tomorrow will bring — so deal with today… even if that means having a nap! If that’s what is truly needed right now — respond with only what’s needed. Your heart will inform you. You’ll know. Give yourself permission to be true to the moment and yourself.
Also — reframe that brain.
Think about what we GET to do… as opposed to what we HAVE to do?
WE GET TO do x now that these are the circumstances… rather than WE HAVE TO x now that these are the circumstances.
For me, the Coronavirus isolation has in fact been a coming together and an invitation for everyone to enter into a new way of being. That’s been my experience of the pandemic. In my little world, it’s given me the external support of staying inside and going slow — and it’s given me a group of buddies (that’s all of you) to share the experience with. Slowness and gentleness has become my safe space as I give myself time to rebuild after burnout, shock… and dealing with the real burden of not being able to walk for more than 15 minutes at a time (15 minutes… THAT’S PROGRESS, YOU GUYS!)
I know for others it’s presented a whole host of challenges.
The emotions will move in cycles… but they WILL decrease in severity and frequency as you get better at mastering each phase.
As I said at the outset — it’s a mountain to climb… so thanks for standing by me while I laid out my reflections about the journey thus far.
If you’ve made it to the end of this mini non-fiction novella, you’re a champion… because you know deep within you there’s an opportunity here — and I can tell — you’re not someone that’s gonna shy away from it.
Good luck. Remember to drink water.
~Fin
