What is giving up control?
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Hi. My name is Tracy Alexander – and I’m a control freak.
I’m not talking in the pathological sense – but let’s just say, I’m holding the reigns with enough unnecessary tension that I’ve been unconsciously limiting my life.
I first noticed how stifling this trait of mine is, when I began taking singing lessons.
Learning to sing is something I’ve always wanted to do – but, other than my love for music, I didn’t know why it was becoming such a nagging desire.
Perhaps, I had some instinctive knowing, that part of the skill of singing – but I mean, really singing – is the ability to completely let go.
It seemed to me, that singers had mastered this beautiful balance of being so deeply connected – while all at once loose and flowing.
For whatever reason… to nail that combo of intensity and relaxation… that, to me, looked like freedom.
The fact that I was craving that feeling for myself, might have been pointing to the fact that something was feeling tightly wound inside of me… and it was calling out to be released.
Week after week, my singing teacher would tell me to stop trying so hard.
I knew what she meant… but I didn’t know what she meant.
Letting go went so against my instinct – because I’m the kind of person that goes after goals with veracity.
But what learning to sing has been teaching me… is that in order to feel free… I need to get the fuck out of the way.
I need to stop evaluating, to take my foot off the pedal and quit trying to technically force my diaphragm, vocal chords and throat to do as I told it to.
The key is giving up control… in favour of trusting that my body will support me, if I simply slip into imagination and visualisation.
Alright, cue real life…
I’ll assume we all know the saying, ‘the truth will set you free’…
Well, this past week, the truth smacked me right in the face and boy am I grateful that it did.
The person to deliver the one-two punch – was my almighty mother.
Rarely will my mum reprimand me when I turn to her for advice – but this week, she got stuck into me with some ugly truths about my behaviour that rendered me speechless.
I listened to her with tears streaming down my cheeks, as the feelings of shame and embarrassment raged through me.
Now, it might seem like a lesson one should already have a handle on come their fourth decade on planet earth – and I think this is why my mother’s words came as such a shock.
You see, I came to realise that in a misguided effort to design my life, I’d been trying to control people – not ALL people and not ALL the time… but perhaps a very lucky select few who I feel comfortable bossing around.
So, in what way was this manifesting?
Well, I have very strong opinions (those who know me are nodding fiercely). I have an idea of how things should be and how things should go – so much so that I often find myself frustrated when people don’t meet my expectations.
How arrogant!?
But, joke’s on me, because, it’s such a limiting trait.
So, let’s look at what might have fostered that behaviour – because I wasn’t always like this.
It was born out of a series of heartbreaks.
You see, I was once WAY too open minded.
I lived by the philosophy that I didn’t have all the answers to life, and just because I had a certain belief or value, or happened to be raised a certain way, it didn’t mean that it was right.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t executing this approach to life very effectively.
Why?
Because as the saying goes… ‘know the rules to break the rules’… but my rule book had been written with some Harry Potter style ‘invisible ink’.
I simply had very pliable standards when it came to the kinds of behaviour I accepted in others.
If someone made a mistake that hurt me or let me down, I would always look to myself, to determine whether I had the right to feel that way.
During those years, I earned myself a PhD in self-recrimination.
It wasn’t until a very significant break up with a boyfriend that the pendulum swung way too far in the opposite direction.
In my mission to work out and lock down my own beliefs (read, protect myself) – I became almost uncompromising.
My rule book was now etched in stone.
In hindsight… boy, was that inhibiting my growth and hindering my opportunities to connect more deeply and harmoniously with others.
Defence mechanisms are sometimes the most blinding constructs when it comes to our ability to self reflect and then self regulate.
You see, while I now know what my values are – it turns out I had picked up another fancy habit and was trying to maneuver people, in terms of what THEY needed to do, or say, in order for ME to feel a certain way.
What do I mean by this?
I was setting parameters for how I allowed other people to behave or even to speak. For example — don’t say x, because it makes me feel y. Don’t do y because it makes me feel z.
I was behaving like the conductor — as though others were mere instruments in my orchestra.
And if a note was played out of key… off with their heads.
Now, it makes no difference whether I simply felt the frustration internally, expressed it verbally or with a less than subtle facial expression… the fact of the matter is, not one part of that emotion, was serving me.
Turns out – these were the words that I needed to hear – which would finally shatter the glass window behind which, I was living.
“YOU CAN’T ENGINEER PEOPLE TO FIT PERFECTLY INTO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
LET OTHER PEOPLE BE THEMSELVES.
IT’S NOT THE ROLE OF OTHERS TO DANCE AROUND YOU SO THAT YOU CAN FEEL FREE OF ANGST.
LET THEM SAY WHAT THEY WANT TO SAY – AND THEN IT’S UP TO YOU TO DO THE WORK AROUND WHATEVER FEELING IT TRIGGERS IN YOU”
My mum… walks into the ring and it’s like, K.O. Game Over.
Shame on me.
It was so basic.
SO BASIC.
But sometimes when we THINK we have got something in the bag… we don’t. This one needed some serious fine tuning.
But as I said earlier, the truth will set you free.
After the initial crack to the ego, I let the truth wash over me and gave myself permission to look long and hard at myself and at this behaviour – and then forgave myself for being human.
Now — don’t get me wrong. I am by no means suggesting we should tolerate behaviour that is abusive (emotionally or otherwise) or disrespectful. I’m talking about everyday oversights — which might not even be oversights, and rather us simply feeling triggered.
What is far more powerful, I’ve found, is not to try to change the behaviour of the OTHER, but rather, work through the emotion it had triggered in me.
By loosening my grip on others, I’ve gained so much freedom and ironically I feel more in control – but this time, over my own response….
And I guess a singing analogy rings true here too; only when we are able to listen clearly to another and then control our own voice, are we able to sing in harmony.
