What is having a WHY?
Putting ego aside and connecting with the truth…
Blogging is the worst.
Those are the words that enter my mind as I sit down to write this post for what must be the 50th time.
But of course, it’s not blogging’s fault… it’s that, this time, I was doing it wrong.
I was feeling so much pressure in the wake of the last entry I wrote.
The dozens of emails I’d received, the numerous phone calls, messages and hugs I was given at the office …
It was like I entered into week 4 carrying a giant Santa sack of expectation.
I was crumbling under the task of saying something just as true… and something that would have just as much impact.
Over and over again, I was writing myself into a tangled ball of string… because I was trying to be too clever.
I stopped to ask myself… what was the purpose of writing these blogs?
My goal was to tell the truth.
It was then, that I discovered the irony.
This week, I’d been trying to write about having a REASON for doing something and about eliminating our ego…. and I was dishing out the very piece of advice, I myself, wasn’t taking.
That’s why I was getting stuck.
I needed to stop caring about what other people think.
I needed to eliminate my ego.
There is so much wisdom out there that speaks to the power of living authentically.
As we all know, it’s easier said than done.
But what I’ve come to learn, many times over, is that asking one critical question can make it a whole lot easier… and guide us back to our authentic selves. It helps to ensure that when we act, it is coming from a place of genuineness.
It’s asking ourselves, WHY?
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
Let me give you some examples of how this lesson has shown up in my life, why I was executing it poorly, and what I discovered needed to change.
I realised at a certain point, that my ego was in the drivers seat for much of what I was pursuing.
You see, for many years, my authentic WHY was being muffled by the fact that I was trying to prove a point.
Having a less-than-robust sense of self meant that I was busting my balls… trying to prove…
That I mattered.
And let’s be honest… this wasn’t only about proving it to myself — it was also subconsciously about flipping the bird to some bitches in high school.
Yeah. I just said that. I promised you brutal honesty, right?
The drive to stand out from the crowd meant that I was never deterred by pursuits that took grit, perseverance and courage… in fact, it only made them more attractive to me.
I wanted the challenge… just so I could say… I DID IT. LOOK AT ME NOW.
The first moment of awakening came while I was living in Los Angeles.
I’ll take you back.
My passion has always been storytelling.
Nothing wrong with that.
But, HOW I went about executing that passion was coming from a very dangerous place.
I wanted to be seen.
While undertaking my first degree — I went on an exchange program to University of Michigan — school of musical theatre… yadda yadda yadda… I came home and tried my hand at at acting.
I remember my mother’s panic…. and… I became well versed in the statistical chances of landing up unemployed.
That only strengthened my resolve to hold out my ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ sign… but BOY GEORGE, did I learn quick smart that this was not the industry for me.
Firstly, as I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t all that connected to myself… which makes for a very poor actor.
Secondly, for someone on a point proving mission, there was far too much power in the hands of others… and ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.
So, after two short years, a handful of #METOO moments and a suitcase of dodgy headshots… I went in search of another avenue through which to pursue my passion.
Long story short (as if — buckle in), the next step was journalism school.
I wanted to make documentaries.
I started there. But then life steered me in another direction…
I moved interstate with my then boyfriend, and it was mere circumstance that landed me in a radio news reading gig.
This wasn’t the plan. This was’t my truth.
Don’t get me wrong, I was having a blast. I loved the work, the environment, my colleagues…. BUT… I was still subconsciously climbing and being guided by a WHY that wanted to knock this profession over the head. To succeed for succeeding’s sake.
There it was again. E.G.O.
Now don’t forget —
I was not going to be deterred by the sacrifices I might have to make, the knock-backs, the brutal working hours…. because “nothing worth having comes easy” — isn’t that right, Theodore Roosevelt?
In this industry, things work slightly differently than that of acting…
Effort, enthusiasm, guts.. a sprinkle of nerve and a great suit jacket… equals results.
Where do I sign?
I worked my ‘tuchas’ off… and I was seeing the rewards.
But I kept coming back to a place of emptiness.
The pursuit wasn’t being guided by my truth.
It’s always the strangest moments which trigger a moment of awakening.
I went to see a play at the Sydney Theatre Company called “A Long Day’s Journey Into Night”.
This killer piece of prose hit me right between the eyes;
“None of us can help the things life has done to us. They’re done before you realize it, and once they’re done they make you do other things until at last everything comes between you and what you’d like to be, and you’ve lost your true self forever.”
It was clear to me that if I didn’t identify the reason(s) WHY I was making all these sacrifices, why I was pushing through my fears, why I was set on living outside of my comfort zone… I was bound to whittle my life away, aimlessly climbing, just like this ‘Long Day’s Journey’ fellow.
Nothing delivers a cold hard smack in the face like a tour through the WWII concentration camps.
It was in Majdanek, Poland, standing in subzero temperatures wondering how the prisoners survived more than a day in that hell hole… that I took a long hard look at myself and asked — WHAT DO I STAND FOR?
WHO do I want to be as a person?
If I have one shot at life — HOW DO I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME?
If I want to use my voice to tell stories… WHICH kinds of stories do I want to tell?
But of course, the most important question that was going to ensure sincerity was… (all together now) …
‘WHY?’
This is the critical question to ask when executing any mission worth taking.
~
So here we land.
I saw the light while standing in one of the darkest places human history has witnessed…
It was my WHY that guided me to live in a place that ultimately led me towards having the courage to publish my previous blog post.
A community disguised as a country…
ISRAEL.
It sits in the centre of a region which knows the length and breadth of connection and disconnection — with oneself and with others.
This country and those surrounding it are all too familiar with the true consequences of success and failure, life and death, victory and defeat.
The people here have almost all felt the full range of joy and sadness, what it really means to love and seen the darkest shades of hate.
It tests a person in the most profound ways…
It requires you to know who you are.
It’s because of these qualities, that I have never felt more inspired and connected to my purpose…. which is becoming more refined over time.
The city of Tel Aviv where I choose to work and live… is pulsing with energy.
My relationships are real, authentic, supportive and deep.
There are no bells and whistles… (yet plenty aggressive horn honkers).
Israelis have zero tolerance for bullshit; give it to me straight, or don’t give it to me at all. My kind of tribe.
They work hard… but they party even harder… and they don’t waste time on pretences.
They are passionate, they talk intensely… and a complete stranger will give you advice you didn’t ask for.
They are innovators, creators, hustlers, rule-breakers, non-conformists… and have no qualms leading a board meeting in flip flops.
This country can frustrate me to the high heavens… and I never truly appreciated the feeling of exasperation before moving here…
And I have never felt more alive.
~
It was this environment that gave me the space to strip everything back and show my true face.
But, the ego will always creep up on us unless we work on keeping it in check…
So, as I sat down to write my truth, and became caught up in the response from OTHERS… I forgot to zone in to the reason I got here in the first place.
The guiding force which compelled me to press PUBLISH last week…
The WHY.
