Why the idea of perfection is misleading…
Life is messy, let’s play in the dirt
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Sushi and Wabi-Sabi. Two genius Japanese exports…
… the latter not to be mistaken for wasabi, to which I am also partial…
but while wasabi is a condiment we can use to give a kick to our food…
Wabi-sabi is the soothing elixir we can use when life gives us a kick in the guts.
But what is it exactly and when and how do we apply it?
Glad you asked…
You might have heard the term used in reference to aesthetics… appreciating the beauty in imperfection and the impermanence of objects and processes.
It’s derived from a world view that stems from Buddhist teachings… effectively helping us to find peace with the natural flow of time and to find acceptance for the transience and imperfections of all entities and experiences.
Now, you’ve got the philosophy of Wabi-Sabi coming from the East. In the West… you’ve got your Greek philosopher, ‘old mate’ Heraclitus saying things like “change is the only constant in life”… and despite these words of wisdom being around for donkey’s ears, we modern folk are still battling along, trying to apply them. How very Wabi-Sabi of us.
So to give us an idea of how to use them in our modern day lives, let’s take these old school ideas and apply them to some real world examples that have played out in my life just recently. Perhaps this way we can redesign our thinking to allow for a more peaceful, joyous and compassionate journey through our day to day experiences.
Example number 1: DON’T SELF EDIT PURE IMPULSE
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Let’s begin with me having to take my own advice when sitting down to write the very blog which encourages living messily.
The past few weeks have been very busy for me. It’s meant that allotting time to write outside of work has been compromised and my blogging has become non-existent.
Today, I have plenty of spare time and felt compelled to write a new blog… but I found myself wondering if it was a waste of time, because I have another busy month ahead… and if I don’t know when I’ll have the chance to blog again, should I even bother today?
The underlying belief here is that there needs to be consistency, commitment, and a pattern of an ongoing and reliable nature in order for the exercise to be worthwhile.
But why?
What is this benign judgement I have used to measure the value of sporadic blogging?
We often endow certain pursuits with unworthiness because they don’t fit into a predictable picture.
What a rubbish and limiting way to live.
And so, with a cup full of Wabi Sabi in hand, I blog…
I might not even publish it…
It might be my last…
I might wake up on a mountain of 100 dollar bills and retire and write blogs every single day.
The point is, don’t prejudge every single brush stroke — it might not turn out as you’d planned anyway… so, just paint.
Example number 2: IT’S OK TO SIT IN THE SHIT
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I have become friends with a wonderfully wise and resilient woman and she has confided in me while going through a painful breakup with her partner of many years.
While in her relationship, she thought she knew what her future would look like. Staring at what now seems like a blank page, however, is not feeling abundant and liberating. Instead, all she can see are scary question marks.
She’s asking questions like, will she continue to live in the city she currently lives in… where they have both been living together? What will she do professionally if she decides to move away? Will life ever be as good without him? If I can’t make it with him, can I make it with anyone? Do I even LIKE ice cream? (Yes, babe. Yes you do).
I noted that these questions began to fester as anxiety in the moments after the break up.
BUT — if we apply the Wabi Sabi theory… this uncertainty needn’t attach itself to fear.
My sister’s guru (stay with me) has this awesome line — “when the shit hits… SIT”. It’s genius, and even better when heard in his wonderful Indian accent.
So, when it comes to my friend…
Why does she need to find the North star right now… as opposed to simply sitting in the shit pile for a bit? Where is her allowance for wobbliness and uncertainty? Where is the compassion for feeling lost? At least just for the first 24 hours! Sheesh!
Right now, things are feeling unclear for her… her heart is hurting… and the world feels dark.
But here’s the thing; this situation is temporary. She will not be able to sustain this level of heartache for ever. The dust will eventually settle. The sun will come out again. The key… is to sit in the sand storm… and know the calm will come.
This PROCESS … is part of the broader beauty of life.
Think about the sense of euphoria that comes after completing a difficult task. The difficulty needs to exist in order for the resulting surge of joy.
When it feels uncomfortable… recognise the discomfort as being just that and nothing more. It will feel uncomfortable… until… it doesn’t.
Example 3: ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE
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We fool ourselves into thinking we have things figured out.
A girl I knew in high school was born with ten fingers. I’m sure everyone, including herself thought she’d live her whole life with all ten fingers. But then, there was that incident with a band-saw in woodwork class…
Each day we wake up, we think we know what will happen in the coming 24 hours… but we really don’t know.
My family was throwing a surprise party for my Aunty’s birthday — but the surprise was far from happy. While our house filled with guests, my Dad went to lay down in bed because he wasn’t feeling well. Instead of shouting “SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY” to my unsuspecting Aunt… the night saw my father whisked off to hospital… and he never came home.
We are hardwired to recognise patterns for survival. Predicting the future is what creates a sense of stability and makes us feel safe. It also gives us a map and a structure we can rely on. But we all know, it’s a fascade, right?
The idea that we actually have a clue or any control is quite funny.
Life can be surprising. That’s the pain and the JOY of it.
Imagine an NBA game guaranteed an impressive slam dunk every time a player has possession of the ball. How bloody boring would basketball be!? Some players have gotta choke sometimes. It’s what makes the game enjoyable, exciting and entertaining. It allows us to experience a range of emotions and to be caught by surprise. Sometimes the surprise will make us feel disheartened and frustrated — sure — but we can accept that, cos that’s the name of the game. Same goes with life.
When it comes to my darling friend and her breakup… she never knew where her future was heading, even when she thought she did.
AND there’s another way to slice the very same story…
Does staying with her partner guarantee her a life of happiness with him? No. Does being cast aside by her partner guarantee her a life of misery? No.
Could being cast aside by her partner invite a more fulfilling reality into her life? Sure!
We just don’t know how it will turn out even if we seek to control the variables.
If we want to hold on to our current circumstance because we enjoy it, it doesn’t mean it will continue to serve us. If that’s true, then so is the opposite. Just because we are in an uncomfortable situation now, doesn’t mean it won’t lead us to something far more positive.
It’s the expectations versus reality formula of happiness; our happiness is determined by the size of the gap between our expectations and reality.
Does this mean we shouldn’t have hopes and dreams? Of course not! It just means that when our expectations AREN’T met… pick up your vile of Wabi Sabi… chug it down… and recognise that our expectations are simply that; predictions attached to hopes. If it doesn’t manifest into reality, no harm done. Life is messy! Leave the smudge on the page… and let it add character to this chapter. It’s one of many more to come.
Example 4: LEARNING TO WALK THE TIGHTROPE
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Another friend of mine is a woman of extremes. If she’s on, SHE IS ON! If she’s in, SHE IS IN!
But then she gets depleted… and locks herself in her room for days until she has the energy to be ON again.
It’s part of her tendency to ‘people please’… as well as living out a story she tells herself about what the world expects of her.
This wide swing back and forth can be hard to sustain, even if it’s simply ones nature…
She’s working on keeping it in check and she doesn’t always get it right…but, now, instead of chastising herself for slipping back into old habits, she dresses herself up in lycra, fishnets and a funky top hat.
Why?
Well, she was introduced to some Hindu wisdom that helped her see that life is one big circus act.
Let me explain this theory that she shared with me…
Have you ever watched someone walk a tightrope?
Do they walk upright the entire way along…?
No, siree!
In order to balance, a tightrope walker is constantly correcting, finessing, leaning more to one side than the other… coming back to the midline…. then perhaps leaning a bit too far to one side, correcting, bending a bit the other way… you get the idea.
So if we apply this to achieving balance in our lives…. it requires the same approach!
The analogy comes from the Hindu philosophy of the Gunas. You know the Gunas, right? Yeah.. neither did I.
There are three — Rajas, Tamas and Sattva — and they’re effectively tendencies, qualities or attributes.
Rajas is the quality of passion, action, dynamism, egoism, self-centredness.
Sattva is the quality of harmony, creativity, purity, luminosity, peacefulness, virtuousness.
Tamas is the quality of dullness, apathy, disorder, chaos, anxiety, lethargy.
We find ourselves encountering all three of those Gunas across the course of our day, week… year… and at times we can feel out of balance because we’ve been hanging out for too long and a little too deeply on one side of the spectrum.
No problem!
If we’re leaning too far into our Rajas qualities, don’t face palm and dive off a cliff into self recrimination, self-pity and hopelessness. It’s all part of the art of balancing! Just notice it, know that it’s natural, normal, helpful and necessary… and then… with a lightness in our hearts, we can reset back into the Sattva midline. We’ll be here but briefly in the scheme of our life, before leaning the other way into Tamas… or back towards the direction we’ve come… but the idea is that THIS is what it means to balance.
Let the self-talk around the wobble be KIND…
Balance requires a sway… it’s inherent in the act itself.
Now, we’ve already got front row seats in the Wabi-Sabi BIG-TOP of life…
So step right up…and enjoy the show….
