Are your comparisons serving you well?
This is part of a series, a series of questions that you and your children will be glad you spent a few minutes pondering. Each post is a single question, so instead of reading about a particular shaped answer that filled a void in my life, but won’t fit into yours, this carefully-crafted question will help you carve the perfectly shaped answer that will.
Comparison is a natural thing, thought to come from evolving as a social species, where your survival was dependent on being part of a group. We evolved to fit in, automatically understanding our rank in the social pecking order and seeking to better it. Most of today’s TV series speak to this, despite being set in different times and places, whether the White House, ancient mythical worlds, or futuristic adaptations of today, they’re all really about the trials and tribulations of social hierarchy.
Comparison helps us understand where our strengths and weaknesses lie. They help us realise if we’re getting taken advantage of or not. As a parent, we look at how others raise their kids and get new ideas of what we can stop or start doing, we also learn about our own children by comparing them to others. Comparison is bloody useful, but….
There’s a dark side to comparison too, especially with newborns
There is no absolute measure of developmental progress, of knowing if we, or our children, are on track, because each person’s track is different. Parenting teaches you that. Every person comes with their own positives and negatives, their own tendencies and traits. When we lose sight of this we do our children a disservice.
When babies are born into our society, one parent goes to work and the other does the day to day childcare. The one with the child finds their world shrinking. They hang out with people they don’t really know, at groups with other new parents. With little else in common, conversation turns to the babies, whose development is slow, but conversation is fast. One child is crawling before the others, another sleeping through, one is remarkably well behaved, your child seems to be going nowhere in comparison. But we forget this game of comparison isn’t really about the kids, it’s about the parents. Some are playing the social status game, trying to be the best parent of the group so they feel good about themselves.
This creates anxiety, especially when combined with the overwhelming emotions that come with a drastic and irreversible life change and the sleep deprivation a newborn brings. It’s easy to forget that babies grow at their own pace. That being the best parent isn’t something for others to judge, although they do. It’s about being loving, responsive, consistent and as much as we can, accepting. It’s about creating a healthy attachment, as the most important theory in parenting you’ve probably never heard of tells us.
The other parent (if there is one) who finds themselves going off to work most mornings has a crucial role to play in bringing some perspective. To help their partner remember what matters, to remind them they are doing their best, despite the snippy comments of that well groomed person in the baby group.
To say it plainly. We compare our kids and our parenting to others. We can get good things from this about how to be better, but if we forget we’re not comparing like with like, we’re going to make ourselves feel bad instead of striving for better.
There’s a dark side to comparison too, especially for dads
In an old edition of the newsletter, I talked about the feelings of inadequacy and failure I had in a pub when my old Uni mates were comparing their car apps. My car is so old we had to change the tape player for a CD one. It was only on the way I home I realised that, for many of them, having jobs that paid for new cars was the price they were happy to pay for having less freedom, time with their families and working on things that didn’t make them happy. I realised their values were different to mine. Then I felt better about myself and my choices.
Trying to be a good dad means fighting against the stereotype of being a ‘real man’, the one that gets drummed into us by mainstream films, TV, books, ads and music, things we experience hundreds of times a day.
As a dad, the things that matter can’t be compared because they’re mostly invisible to those outside the family. Time spent with children and partner, moments of connection, the quality of relationships you have and the attention you give them. We can’t compare what it means to emotionally provide for our family, but we can compare what we financially provide, so we do, without thinking.
I’ve found that when I slip into comparing myself to others, I make sure I ask what price they have paid and what support they had (like living in a big city, wealthy parents, or well connected spouses) to get to where they are.
Comparisons have helped me make better choices in my life and made me a better dad, but only when I’ve remembered to think carefully about what I’m comparing.
Are you using comparisons well?
