What makes you think you’re not a great dad?
This is part of a series, a series of questions that you and your children will be glad you spent a few minutes pondering. Each post is a single question, so instead of reading about a particular shaped answer that filled a void in my life, but won’t fit into yours, this carefully-crafted question will help you carve the perfectly shaped answer that will.
If you don’t want to be challenged, you’ll interpret it as ‘what makes you a great dad?’, but that’s not what it’s saying. Answer the question written on the exam paper.
The question, written as it is, asks you to acknowledge what it is you do that doesn’t meet your expectations of being a great dad. And we all fall short of the mark at times, but it’s only by seeing and choosing to confront our shortcomings will we get better.
It started out as a why question — ‘why don’t you think you’re a great dad?’. But this was a mistake. Why questions don’t get us to specifics, they build narratives to try and make sense of the world. They do not give us specific things to take action on. And these stories we create are not a real picture of the world, they are our interpretation of it, with all our many biases (over 100 known and counting), insecurities and fears influencing them. So instead of why, I chose what. This article explains that in more detail with a few examples if you want to dig a bit deeper.
Let’s get onto answering it.
As you start thinking of answers, consider them from two different dimensions.
The first is about the specifics.
Those moments we know we could have done better, been more patient, more present, said the right thing not the wrong one, made different choices, but we didn’t. Where you spot repeat patterns, you’ve found something to work on.
The work starts by accepting what you did or didn’t do. Acceptance isn’t the same as acknowledgement, it’s deeper. Acceptance is an emotional act, it means giving yourself some space to sit with the realisation of your actions and their implications. If we move on too quickly, we acknowledge rationally, we do not accept emotionally.
I’ve only ever been able to accept them when I have made myself feel the negative emotions that come from, and will keep coming, from my actions, when I let go of my pride and commit to changing. I didn’t come up with this, acceptance and commitment to change are the first two steps of the 12 step programme for overcoming alcohol and drug addiction. This might all sound a bit too heavy, but it isn’t, it’s just stuff that works, so why wouldn’t you use it?
Now you’ve identified, accepted and committed, you can get a plan together, which should be something super simple, only a few steps. Like putting a reminder on my phone for when I get home to turn it off and put it in a draw, starting bedtime 10 minutes earlier, making a list or reward chart and sticking it on the fridge. A plan can be just one thing you know.
If the first dimension was specifics, or tactics, the second dimension is strategic, or bigger picture.
Life and particularly parenting is uncertain. We have no way of knowing what the future holds. That’s liberating when you’re young and carefree with no responsibilities. But when you have kids, you experience a love stronger than anything you’ve felt before. The uncertainties of the world become something we fear. The pure panic you feel the first time you lose them from sight on the street or in a shop.
You’ll find this uncertainty lurking behind many of your answers, particularly connected to whether you should be spending more time with them, or more time at work to provide for them, but there will be others too. Others like what world will they be growing up in and whether you’re doing enough to make it better not worse. Others that just do not have an answer, or when we finally get the answer it will be too late to do anything about it. This will be gnawing away at you, making you question whether you are being a great dad.
I can’t tell you it will be alright, that you’ve got it right. I could give you some stoic philosophical quote, but that would just be trite. I can tell you that no one can be great all the time, which also means there are times when we can be great. And that you’ve read this far, that you even get this email means you’re more likely to have moments of being a great dad. With that in mind, maybe the question should really read ‘what’s going to make you a great dad more often?’.
What makes you think you’re not a great dad?
Every week I send an email to dads.
One week it’s articles, evidence, stories and insights that I’ve found researching what it means to be a good dad, so you don’t have to.
The week after it’s a question, like this one, sent directly to your inbox.
If you want to get them, go here.
