Understanding ‘toxic ex-spouse syndrome’ and why they behave the way they do

They asks for divorces, get them and still turn out to be the one angry. Here’s understanding the behaviour of toxic ex-spouses and reasons why they behave the way they do.

Its been over a year, but here we are again. Journaling the malice of the world. In March 2020, my ex-husband literally threw me out of the house at the start of covid-19. He asked for a divorce, never gave a clear reason why he wanted one. I fought hard for us through the lockdown; especially since ours was a love marriage, yet the more I pleaded, the more he treated me like dirt.

So almost 7–8 months later, i took my self esteem off the floor and agreed to divorce him, only to find out mid divorce that i have cancer. He tried to expedite the divorce after the first hearing and i told him i was not in the headspace to focus on it, but he and his lawyer assured me that it wouldn’t result in any malice. My gut told me not to trust him. I made him sign an affidavit. YET, seven months of divorce and one full cancer treatment later, he’s still trying to find ways to taking advantage of me. (I will not divulge into further details on this matter, especially because its not my place to shame him into lack of empathy for someone who has the same problem from which his own father who passed away, despite trying to overuse the word ‘humanitarian’ to identify his actions while parallely also trying to extort money in the process! LOL.)

I mean, we give people reasons, and chances. We overlook small mistakes, big mistakes, finally we accept them as they are. We except in return that time will pass, wounds will heal, we will be ourselves, complete again. And for better or for worse, we hope the same for others too. At least i do. After all, however it may have ended, however he might have behaved, i had emotionally invested in a person for 6 years of my life in total! We did start out by being in love after all. He did bend his knee and propose to me on his own? Anyhoo.

But when it comes to my ex-husband and our marriage, i always thought maybe it was my misinterpretation of him. Maybes it was that we didn’t get each other. I told myself i was wreak-less. That i somehow caused him to move on. Since he didn’t give me or anyone who knew us concert reasons about why he so suddenly and strongly wanted a divorce (which he still hasn’t) or said hurtful lies about my character, it caused me nothing but heart ache.

I used to think i am very objective and shrewd. That maybe i didn’t understand. These are all healthy ways of processing feelings, emotions and mental stress when we undergo something so big, life altering – abruptly. Our mind tries to process the gaps in information with logic in the absence of sensible conclusions. Something, those who play victim cannot do.

The behaviour my ex-husband now exhibits, is defined as ‘toxic-spouse syndrome’. Its a facade of anger used conveniently as a tool by some who want to prolong their own sense of victimisation and for “punishing others for wrong-doing them.”

I literally jumped through hoops for this man, emotionally, financially, physically, yet it turns out he is the angry one? Objectively if anyone looks at this from a distance, his actions don’t make any sense. The anger and false pride is being held on for far too long, especially after getting what he wanted (and deserved) – a divorce.

I freed him of our marriage, even without concrete reasoning on his part, overlooking all the lies and gaslighting he did on his, yet, he somehow feels entitled to forcing his will on me. Somehow in his brain, he has normalised the fact that mistreating me is ok.

Our divorce didn’t cost him financially, i only asked for his share of the personal loan i took for him, the jewellry his and my family gifted me (which was kept in his mothers locker and was inaccessible to me), for part payment of the insurance premium i paid the year he asked to be separated and for collecting some of my things from our house (i spared the utensils, furnishings he was using and hid before I arrived to pick them up) mid chemo because, because clearly I’ve come to realise I’m a very good, kind and objective person! Something he made me doubt for five freaking years of my life!

If you have such an ex-boyfriend of spouse please know – this is the most standard, text book definition of being a toxic ex-spouse. It leaves you with the feeling of having bent over backwards to make them happy or to be cordial where as they continuously exhibit the behaviour that’s distasteful.

So why is he still angry!?

Psychologically, anger is a textbook self defence mechanism used to keep him from ‘feeling’ at the end of a marriage – i.e.: sadness, loss and somewhere guilty for ending things the way he did if not responsible for it.

Such spouses have not yet processed the hurt at their end in a heathy way, (like i did by feeling the full range of emotions and allowing myself to grieve at the end of our marriage) hence ill equipping him from moving on correctly and in full.

He can’t admit to himself and those around him about having emotionally invested in our marriage, as doing so feels a little to destructive for his sense of justification for abandoning his ‘love marriage’. Hence his only stance is to continue to be ‘angry’.

I knew this was the case with my ex-husband previously also, when i underwent depression in the second year of our marriage and he kept telling friends and family that he didn’t believe in the concept and / or that i had depression from before. Because his admittance of my problem would’ve immediately meant his not investing time or dedication to my problems, making our marriage and our marital issues a little too real. But alas, we hope people learn. But do they really? Or ever?

Another sign of this is that he refused to even check up on me in all human decency, his ex-wife who underwent an entire cancer treatment, in the middle of the second wave of covid, through and post-divorce as recent as ours. (Quite a psychopathic display of behaviour on the part of someone whose always putting up the facade of being the bigger person).

Sadly, this is a very unimaginative and natural technique his mind triggers in a ploy of self-preservation. But his dim witted attempt in trying to protect himself and his image is and will only do him more harm in the long run. And especially to those new relationships where he might have already over exhausted his ‘damsel in distress’ stance beyond their understanding and duration. Especially to the keen invested eyes who can separate the riff from the raff.

So, clearly defining why toxic ex-spouses hold on to anger:

1. They want to hold on to the feeling of being wronged, even when all evidence points to the contrary.
2. They need the anger to identify themselves as the victims. They want to be able to justify their actions and wrong doings like emotionally cheating, taking financial advantages of their spouses by making them the villains in their and others eyes. In fact, they may willingly become victims and may even live that identity for the rest of their lives!! (Sad.)
3. They feel that by being the victim, having someone to be angry with for ‘doing them wrong’ will garner them empathy from others for their plight. In fact, for some, anger and victimisation is a cry for caring and compassion they seek out from new relationships, something they project they have never ever received.

Whatever be their reasons, the anger is theirs to let go of or to nourish. Depending on how deeply they can lie to themselves and for how long, till their emotional situation finds solace in someone new. (Something my ex clearly isn’t able to do else he wouldn’t be torturing me! Because the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifferent! Du-hu?)

On your part, trying to people please or playing nice with-someone who kicked you out of their lives so easily isn’t going to help diminishing their anger. In fact it might just do the exact opposite, by inflating their false pride and false righteousness.

Since this is something they have chosen to do and carry in their hearts, its only their will and luck to correctly come to terms with the same. All you can do is, stir clear of them as much as its needed and help yourself by managing your own sanity.

I hope you enjoyed my blog! Please leave your comments below and let me know what you think? This is my attempt to channel all my negative energy from bad experiences and convert them into something usable by those who may be facing something similar in their lives!