A Dissection of Fred Hoiberg’s Movie-Watching During His Coronavirus Quarantine
The Nebraska men’s basketball program hasn’t had a game in a had-to-Google-it length of time.
That’s not a misprint.
The Huskers haven’t tasted a victory — or been able to taste anything, probably— since the week before Christmas. This is due, in part, to various struggles against conference opponents, but also because the Coronavirus dunked on them so hard that all basketball operations were halted out of an abundance of caution for health and safety.
In total, some 15 players/staff members tested positive for the virus, including head coach Fred Hoiberg.
The team is finally going to be making a return to the court and — proving that irony is not isolating itself per the CDC’s guidelines — Hoiberg’s sense of smell has returned just in time for him to be jammed into a room with 12 sweaty 20-year-olds.
But, while I was reading Sam McKeown’s excellent story in the Omaha World-Herald about The Coach’s journey towards recovery (*Author’s note: all jokes aside, I’m thoroughly glad that any and all of the players and staff members are on the mend) there was a last-paragraph bombshell that grabbed my attention.
Talk. About. Burying. The. Lede.
One. Word. Sentences. To. Show. I. Mean. Business.
I checked my watch, in shock. What year is it?
Was Hoiberg battling Covid-1999?
So, a guy that makes $3 Million this year for his acumen with the X’s and O’s on the court is clearly a connoisseur when he is off of it. A man not only of means, but of style and taste.
Now, McKeown probably ran out of room/hit his word count, but here are the questions I’m sure he asked Hoiberg; the ones that got cut out by some no-fun editor who wants to just get “news” and “facts” and “basketball” stuff from the Coach.
- When he said he watched all three American Pie movies, was he choosing to eschew the fourth film in the SCU*, (*Stiffler Cinematic Universe) shown below? Or did he merely forget that back in 2012 the gang got back together for what Wikipedia calls an “ensemble sex comedy film”.
- Did Hoiberg skip American Pie: 2 — a totally understandable move, given that it’s by far the weakest selection of the 4 — thereby missing out on the certified bangers from Blink-182, Alien Antfarm, Sum 41, and Uncle Kracker?
- Luckily for Hoiberg he recovered so he didn’t have to wade into the tepid, luke-warm waters of the American Pie spinoffs. And, yes, there are 4 additional movies in this franchise that I wouldn’t watch even if I had Covid-21.
I guess the question here becomes: is Hoiberg more of a Jim, a Kevin, a Finch, or a Stiffler? With 14–15 games in the next 32 days it’s going to be a real grind and I’m just hoping the team can get a few victories and not totally implode on this American Pie: Pandemic of a season.
Let’s just hope that Hoiberg can…wait for it…I’m sorry…who am I kidding, I didn’t think you’d read this far in a post primarily centered on American Pie…a slice of victory.
Now, here’s an absolutely insane video of the band James, performing their American Pie theme song live at a fully white-people-turnt concert.
