A List of Potential Replacements for Shawn Eichorst
By now, you may have already heard.
The 140-character wildfire surrounding the departure of our fearless director of athletics at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is no more.
He has moved on to that big, rich-white-dude place in the sky. (*Author’s note: I believe they call that: a private jet heading out of the state to anywhere but here.)
That’s right. Shawn Eichorst is no longer the AD at the University of Nebraska. Today he was fired. The big wigs with big wigs decided they had seen enough and hit the ejector seat button, jettisoning Mr. Eichorst — Golden Parachute and all — like he was Maverick barely escaping with his life in the upcoming Top Gun sequel.
Amidst this online and real world chaos, many Husker fans have already started our own personal searches for the next athletic director, and many of us have summarily started looking for the next head coach of at least 1 more of our major $ports as well.
While I’m sure that President Hank Bounds and Chancellor Ronnie Green will undoubtedly make it rain on some high priced consulting firm with at least 3 names in its title, I’ve decided to save them some money and compile a complete dossier of the best available candidates. Let’s take a look, shall we.
Tom Osborne, being held up via some kind of elaborate system of levers and pulley, like he’s starring in the gritty Zack Snyder reboot of Weekend at Bernie’s.
Look, Dr. Osborne’s older than the sod his parents used to build their prairie farmhouse and, while he’s an utter legend in these parts, he’s probably liable to run out of steam very quickly.
So, what to do with an elderly power-player who you need to utilize to take the next steps professionally? Hmmm…if only there were a blueprint for that. You know, something to guide us over this weekend while we look for an interim AD.
At any rate, Osborne has already had to inexplicably deny any rumors that he’s been contacted which is good, because I’m still very hopeful that we’ll land an AD who wants to sell beer during sporting events.
The Mooch
Question: who do we know that is bulletproof when it comes to interactions with the media, loves telling slanderous dong-jokes, and would always be dynamite at Big Ten Media days?
Answer: Put your fingers in the sky if you’re currently looking for a side-hustle to go along with your burgeoning media empire and your fantastic, fantastic, hair?
Sure, The Mooch has a bit of a checkered past to go along with his checkered ties, but the dude is basically the exact opposite of Shawn Eichorst. His skin is inversely proportional to Eichorst’s, his mouth is inversely open and ready to speak at a moment’s notice, and his last job lasted longer than most Snapchats so we know he’d be great as a temp, if not the permanent hire.
Pleve Smeederson
Well, this gentleman’s résumé seems to be pretty good. Let’s see, here. He’s got plenty of experience as an athletic director. He’s been in the business for quite some time and has some pretty good references.
But, wait, don’t we know you from somewhere? I feel like you look so familiar. I just can’t quite put my middle finger on it…
Oh, wait. Nope.
I see what you did there. It’s the glasses. I almost didn’t catch you.
Never again, Steve Pederson.
Never. Ever. Again.
You’re like that ex that sees their old bae posting sad memes on Facebook and tries to slide into her DMs at 12:38 in the morning. But — NO! Steve! — our friend is here and she will not let us talk to you, even if we’ve been drinking Moscato all night and listening to Adele.
Sean Spicer
Yes, I know. We already kind of went to this well. But, this particularly bullet-proof little weasel-wet-fart somehow managed to stand in front of the second most hostile group of people in America and try to answer impossible questions that he had no answer for.
So, when faced with the most hostile people in the world: drunk Nebraska fans after losing to Northern Illinois? I think he would’ve just shrugged his padded shoulders, told reporters that there were 230,000 people in attendance at the game and denied to take any further questions from people trying to give him alternative stats from the game.
Some Kind of Artificial Android/Bot That Will Periodically Automatically Issue Bland Press Releases Supporting the Team and Players
Because: that’s kind of what we had anyway.
