Important Offseason Question II: What If Current/Former Husker Coaches Had Radically Different Hair?
You asked for more hard-hitting journalism from WTH?!?! and we are here to deliver.
From the people who brought you “What if that coach had a mustache? Lol.” Comes another daring piece of J-school-drop-out intrigue.
Besides: it’s Friday and we’re 99 days away from college football. What else are you going to do? Work? Be a productive member of society? Psssh.
PART TWO: What if Current/Former Husker coaches had very different haircuts than they currently do?
Code Name: Goth Frost
What he looks like: The angsty teen who refuses to call their parents “Mom & Dad” but, instead, calls them “Ted & Jennifer” and spends most of his time sharing vampire memes on reddit while listening to Lil Peep. Not pictured: his black nail polish.
Code Name: Toupée All Day
What he looks like: Greg Austin looks like a guy that’s clearly trying to hide out from the feds but doesn’t have enough money to afford a good weave. So, he just slaps some wild, bangs-y rug onto his head and tries to “act natural.” He also looks like the guy who immediately gets caught by said federal agents who then ridicule him openly about his disguise capabilities while zip-tying his hands behind his back.
Code Name: BBHM (Bron-Bron’s Hairplugs for Men)
What he looks like: remember a few years ago when LeBron James’ hairline was going in and out like waves at the beach? It would push forward, like some kind of follicle suicide charge up Bunker Hill, then would retreat like the French in a major land conflict. Seeing a non-bald Troy Walters has a similarly subtle-but-weird impact.
Code Name: Dr. Mario AF Verduzenstein III
What he looks like: He looks like the evil Nazi scientist in a new Indiana Jones movie who is trying to use King Tut’s internal organ jars to open a portal to another dimension so he can harvest the souls of all the slave ghosts who helped build Egypt.
Code Name: Erock Chinander
What he looks like: the bass player in a Tool cover band who repeatedly shouts at the crowd, “Come on Lincoln!!!” before tossing off his axe and jumping into the crowd to mosh with the 17-year-old metal heads. If that guy had to “dress for his day” at the office.
Code Name: Barrett Bangs
What he looks like: a guy in a 2002 made for TV Rom-Com who enlists the help of his slacker friends (which leads to moderately funny, predictably bland comedic results) in trying to get the woman of his dreams to realize he loves her before she marries the rich a-hole named Benedict or Bradford or something like that.
Code Name: Boy Band Bo
What he looks like: the super-washed 5th most popular boy band member who burned through all of his earnings in the first 4 years of the band being broken up but hasn’t let go of the haircut that once got him featured on page 11 of Teen People magazine.
Code Name: Mullet AF Verduzco
What he looks like: an eccentric (read: crazy) quantum physicist that goes on Ancient Aliens to try to convince everyone that not only was Leonardo da Vinci talking to aliens, he is still alive and being held in permanent cryostasis aboard the mother ship that was hidden inside the hollowed out core of the moon.
Code Name: LMFAO
What they look like: A:LSDKFJSDF:LSDKHGSLDKJFGSDKLFJSDKLFSDGKSD:JGLKJ!?!?!?!?!?!:LSDKJGSD:LKFSJDKLGJ!?!??!?!?!?
Code Name: Frost Cutters
What he looks like: His #BFF4EVA Matt Davison. You know that thing when married couples spend so much time together that they kind of start to look like one another? That.
