Playa Hater’s Fall: 10 (More) Things I Hate About You, Colorado
(*Author’s note: this is intended to be a recurring, spiteful, vitriolic, and — above all else — hateful take on Nebraska’s upcoming opponent for the week.)
1.I hate the fact that your boring, plaintive-ass, square-shaped state outline is always crowding our action at the border. That you’re so up in our business with your rudimentarily geometric ass that we’re basically teabagging your Northeastern border with our Panhandled junk. Give us some room, Colorado, before we get a contact high.
2. I hate that people in Colorado just saw something about teabags and CU fans immediately started licking their THC-dried lips like, “You know what sounds so good right now? Kombucha.”
Okay. You go ahead and drink your dysentery-laced yeast-tea in an effort to get rid of the bad vibes and cottonmouth from the shatter you just vaped up. I’ll be sticking to the traditional way to destroy your body on a college football Saturday: Busch Light.
3. I hate that your state’s biggest newspaper employs hackneyed beret-wearing journalists, who know that they’re going to need to use Nebraska fans’ predictably over the top outrage to get clicks.
And, I hate that this QWERTY dry-hump from a guy who knows he needs to cash in on the overwrought fragility of our fanbase in order to generate interest in his rapidly sinking industry is going to work. Not because it’s good. I mean, for all the sakes of a fuck, he uses a joke like this in an actual column,
and somehow landed 213 comments and a paycheck. Kiszla doesn’t need a hug. Neither do we. He needs a thesaurus, someone under the age of 46 to start helping him get his resume ready, and a new hat.
In the meantime, how about someone who gets paid for their words stop whipping the dead carcass of a horse that is this flaccid, overdone take: “Nebraska might care a little too much about how good they used to be.”
4. I hate that your stadium is at 5,360. No. I’m not talking about altitude. I’m talking about average home attendance. Okay, so maybe it’s a little more than that, but we had the same amount of fans come to our home games last year as you have in the last 2 combined.
But, when you break the attendance record at Folsom field this Saturday, it won’t be because you’ve got the Rolling Stones back in your stadium, it will be because our fans snuck into that stadium like ten thousand 14-year-olds creeping in the side door of an R-rated movie.
5. I hate that you all now have our former recruiting wizard Ross Els on your staff. He, of the fire-emoji hot average of 30th nationally in recruiting classes during his tenure with noted recruiting enthusiast Bo Pelini.
Also, thanks for coaching up those linebackers, Ross. I feel like maybe something happened involving one of them and our quarterback last year, but my memory is a bit hazy.
6. I hate the fact that your program repeatedly references the fact that Mel Tucker has a lot of NFL coaching experience. But that said experience was primarily working with the Cleveland Browns and the Jacksonville Jaguars. I don’t tell people that I have a lot of experience in the “movie industry” because I worked at the two dollar theater in Lincoln back in 2004.
The guy working the fryer at McDonald’s doesn’t get to tell people at his new job that he “used to be a chef.”
7. I hate that every time the Huskers travel out to your stadium I still think of that dark, slack-jawed day when we watched the Husker dynasty publicly executed by an 11-man human guillotine 62–36. This was an eclipse of the sun. The light slowly being covered up on our dynasty. Only this wasn’t just a momentary, stunning shadow across our star.
That damn thing collapsed and went full supernova. It pulled and tore at the very fabric of our once-proud program and pulled years and coaches and ideologies into that gaping, black maw. It has taken millions of dollars, millions of people, and what feels like 27 head coaches just to try to get ourselves a little further away from that gravitational pull that was opened up on that November day in 2001. Clearly, I’m totally over that loss.
8. I hate the fact that your native son, JoJo Grownmann has been too injured to unleash all that hell and fury that he’s about to bring back to his home state. He may be from Colorado, but he’s definitely one of us. Gritty, hellbent, and he’ll smack that ultimate Frisbee the hell out of your dank-nug-stained hands if you’re in the way of what he’s going to accomplish. There’s no phoenix without ash. And Domann? He seems like he’s finally ready to emerge from the flames.
9. I hate that Laviska Shenault is still at Colorado. Like, seriously. Someone get that kid in the classroom so he can get his degree, or file an immediate lawsuit against the NFL for not letting him play football until next year. We need to get him the hell off campus, so he can stop terrorizing my dreams. Please. I WILL PAY FOR THE LAWYER, LAVISKA.
Someone get this man a better attorney than Maurice Clarett and make it happen in — oh, I don’t know — 24 hours. Let’s get a move on, lawyers in Nebraska.
10. I hate that people don’t just want to embrace some good, old fashioned sports-hate. Like, I’ve seen a lot of digital hand wringing from both sides of the border recently about the lack of civility involved in some of the online discussions.
Frankly? There’s so much real-world hate going on these days, that whipping up spiteful memes about Kordell Stewart or seeing someone write a passive-aggressive sports column full of tired cliches about the Nebraska fanbase is…well it’s kind of nice. It’s just cyber gum-flapping. And, my goodness, is it refreshing compared to the real world problems out there. When it comes to sports-hating one another, CU and NU?
