Playa Hater’s Fall: 10 Things I Hate About You, Colorado

Chris Hatch
Sep 6, 2018 · 4 min read

(*Author’s note: this is intended to be a recurring, spiteful, vitriolic, and — above all else — hateful take on Nebraska’s upcoming opponent for the week.)

1. I hate the fact that you have the single most boring state outline in America and I hate the fact that you got this shape after basically being the pre-circumcision tip of Kansas’ territorial dong back in the day. So congrats, you now-square, foreskin of the Jayhawks on somehow looking incredibly boring on paper even though you’re the opposite in real life.

via Wikipedia

2. I hate the fact that Nebraska didn’t get a chance to smoke the Zips before we played you and I hate the fact that you all just heard “smoke” and “zips” in the same sentence and started licking your legally-smoke covered lips.

But you already knew this, didn’t you, Colorado?

3. I hate that your coach used to look like Bill Callahan before he lost a bunch of weight and so, instead of being a decent human being and applauding someone taking their own wellness more seriously, I have just been sitting here making throat slashes at the computer and referencing coaching hires from 11-years-ago.


4. Oh, and while we’re talking about how much I hate your coach, Colorado, please also take the time to note that I hate the fact that he goes by “Mike MacIntyre” when his real name is actually GEORGE MICHAEL MacIntyre. If your name is George Michael?You wear that proudly. You use that, man. Tell your QB, “Wake me up before you throw-throw” or some other extremely Dad-joke shit. If you don’t say “WHAM!” every time there’s a big hit, then I hate you. So…I probably hate you.

At least do the earring, man…

5. I hate the fact that you won a national championship back in 1990 but that you needed more downs than a fully trash one hit wonder song from 2009 to do it. And, yes, I know that same year you beat Nebraska at Nebraska and I hate that, too.


6. I hate the fact that I’ll be watching this game without 12 pounds of leftover mashed potatoes and turkey in my stomach to soak up the copious amounts of alcohol that I’ll be imbibing, like there used to be “back in the day” when Nebraska played you jokers every Friday after Thanksgiving. And I hate that we don’t have you on our schedule more often just so we can relive some of the greatest moments from that rivalry every year. You know, like this one:


7. I hate that your governor is named “Hickenlooper” which sounds like a made-up sex position that one of the characters from a straight-to-DVD knockoff of American Pie would find on their dial-up internet, try to use on their dream girl and then get stuck/prematurely ejaculate/get caught by her Dad/you get the point.


8. I hate that any time Nebraska sacks your QB and I want to tell you all to “stick that in your pipe and smoke it!” your pipe is already completely full and completely lit with the dankest, legalest weed within 1,000 miles. And, I hate that you all get to embrace this bajillion dollar, hemp-munching cash cow while Nebraska pretends that it’s still 1949 and we’ve got to do all we can to prevent the Devil’s Lettuce from ruining the souls of our youth. LOL.


9. I hate that your most famous quarterback got to be on the cover of NFL Blitz while our most infamous quarterback basically basically euthanized college football video games forever.


10. I hate that I can’t melt this highlight down onto a metal spoon, tie a belt around my arm, and insert it in directly into my veins. But, since I can’t: I’m just going to watch it on loop mode for the next 48 hours to try to until the Cornhuskers end up dragging the Ralphie’s carcass out to the 50-yard line and feasting on buffalo meat like they’re starring in a highly inaccurate John Wayne western about Wild Bill.

What The Husk?!?!

Huskers. Sports. World. Let’s Figure Out What the Husk Just Happened…

Chris Hatch

Written by

Writer from the 402. Live for the prairie nights on the city streets. Husband. Father. Volume Shooter.

What The Husk?!?!

Huskers. Sports. World. Let’s Figure Out What the Husk Just Happened…

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