Playa Hater’s Fall: 10 Things I Hate About You, Iowa
(*Author’s note: this is intended to be a recurring, spiteful, vitriolic, and — above all else — hateful take on Nebraska’s upcoming opponent for the week.)
1. I hate the fact that no one could possibly hand draw an accurate state outline of your squiggly-ass borders. The Eastern edge is hemorrhoidially bulging towards Chicago in a desperate attempt to be slightly closer to something cool and the Eastern edge of your state looks like a lie detector test one of your fans took when they got asked “Do you actually think Kirk Ferentz is a good coach?” by Maury Povich.
2. I hate that when I google your state, one of the first things that comes up is Pappajohn Sculpture park in Des Moines, but that we all know that you all only care about one Papa John in your state. This sweaty weirdo that makes C- pizza.
3. I hate that we’ve lost five of the last six games to you and that somehow you inexplicably think this makes you special. It’s not you, Iowa. It’s us. See, we’ve been losing to everyone lately. We’ve lost to powerhouses and scrubs and we’ve stumblefucked our way through entire years of decaying mediocrity (*See: Season, The Current). But somehow you’ve latched onto this as a way to pat yourselves on the back.
We‘re the girl that recently had her heart broken by her ex and is really going through some shit. We tossed back a few too many White Claws and accidentally made out 12 dudes in one night. You were guy number 11. Now you won’t stop coming over to us, hoping desperately that you’ll catch our eye again, but we’re too consumed with this blackhole churning inside of us to smell that desperate Axe Body spray your program is wearing.
4. I hate that every year we have to get on this basement-floor hotel treadmill to try to decide whether or not we’re rivals with you. There’s think-pieces. Hit-pieces. General pieces on both sides. Frankly, I don’t care what you think of us. I’m not offended if you sports-hate our guts and want to turn yourself into a human jerk-off-motion GIF everytime you hear us talking about how good we might become if we can get past this next rebuild.
And I know that the majority of you don’t actually care that Husker fans firmly believe you’re so content with where the floor of your program is, that you don’t give a single molecular shit about what the ceiling of it could be and that’s why you’ve gone full angst-ridden Midwestern Meryl Streep in that movie about Bridges and Counties: you’ve settled. Even if you don’t want to admit it.
5. I hate the fact that we don’t always have to put Former TE coach for Aaron Hernandez in front of your offensive coordinator’s name, because I would really like to do that. So, here it is, just once: Former Aaron Hernandez Coach, Brian Ferentz. Yeah, that felt right.
Yes. Gronk was there, too. But this is about hate, damn it.
6. I hate that you all have a bunch of impressive famous, highly successful writers in your school’s history, when all I — a hack, with an English degree from Nebraska, who used hemorrhoids a mere 300 words ago as a way to insult a state outline — really want to talk about is that the token white guy from Soul Plane is from your school.
7. I hate that your program is 22nd in time of possession this season and that we’re 97th, which means that I’ll more than likely be forced to stare at those hang-over-urine yellow and black jerseys for significantly longer than I want to on Friday.
8. I hate your coach. I hate his giant pile of money and his small pile of 7–8 win seasons interspersed with an occasionally good and occasionally bad year. I hate the fact that every five years he puts together a B+ season and this keeps you happy. He’s like a husband who just sends flowers to his wife every year on their anniversary. That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less. He doesn’t usually forget the date, but he only takes you on a surprise cruise every 6 years (*Author’s note: even though he’s always so tan he looks like he’s getting a little extra-bronzer-work done at the Iowa City Max Tan.)
9. I hate that we’re so desperate for a win. Against the 17th ranked team in the nation. Against a squad of luke-warm ground-and-pounders who are going to be completely thrilled to make a December 31st bowl game. And I hate that we’re so desperate because that even if we do win, it just means we can to a bowl in Boise or Shreveport or Detroit. Nebraska has become like one of those slow-crawling zombies that’s clawing its way out into the countryside in search of just enough brains to sustain themselves and suddenly we’ve found ourselves totally fine eating a squirrel for sustenance. Mostly I hate that you’ll assign undue amounts of significance to yourself, when we would’ve been this desperate no matter who was on the schedule.
10. Most of all, I hate that I have no idea how Friday is going to go. I’m going to wake up hungover, nervous, and 7 pounds heavier than I went to sleep. And I won’t be the only one. See, Nebraska is fully capable of beating Iowa. Just like they’re fully capable of beating Indiana, Purdue, and a whole host of other teams that have smoked the Huskers like some purple Hindu cush this year.
But we could also blow it. They could get exposed. Kirk Ferentz could go full Tekirki 6ix9ine and testify against our lack of weapons offensively and our weakness along both the offensive lines. Was this primarily just an excuse for me to photoshop these two together? Yes.
In conclusion: I hate Iowa.
