Scott Frost’s Burglar Was Sentenced to 2–4 Years in Prison: Here are 5 Better Ways He Should Have Been Punished
According to the Lincoln Journal Star, the man who burglarized Scott Frost’s big-ass Lincoln home was sentenced to 2–4 years in prison for his part in the thefts that took place in Lincoln in late July of 2018.
While I have my doubts that this man was, in fact, the mastermind behind the conspiracy to steal from Frost (*Author’s note, see: my theory), the long arm of the law has determined him to be at fault and has sentenced him accordingly.
But, his 2–4 year sentence doesn’t quite seem like an apt measure of justice for trying to immediately screw things up for Scott Frost upon his return to our fair state.
I decided that what I should do, is come up with some alternate punishments. So, here is what a creative judge would have done to inflict justice upon this miscreant (Author’s note: whom I will henceforth be referring to as the Scott Frost Burlar or SFB).
12 months as Lil’ Red’s Personal Sideline Inflation Assistance
You’ve seen him. I’ve seen him. The inescapable, unavoidable pile of bloated plastic flapping and floundering along the sidelines like a bird that just smashed headfirst into an office window that was a little too clean.
So what better way to punish this felon, than by publicly humiliating and making him personally drop to his knees at the 50-yard-line and inflate this bulbous monstrosity with his mouth?
“Daddy, what’s happening to Lil’ Red?!!?!”
“Justice, son. Justice is happening. Now, avert your eyes.”
Help Fellow Criminal Mastermind — and Noted Tunnel Enthusiast, El Chapo — Create a New Tunnel Walk Entrance for the Football Team
If we were living in any other year than 2019, the El Chapo trial would be leading the news nearly every night. However, there is nothing normal about 2019 and — as such — I often forget that the Billionaire kingpin of the Sinaloa Cartel is currently being tried in New York.
So, in an effort to two-birds-one-stone this whole thing by bringing more media coverage to the issues that really matter: the judge should have ruled that next season’s Tunnel Walk would be an actual tunnel. And that the construction crew would be none other than the man who attempted to ruin all of America. And El Chapo.
Picture it now.
Sirius kicks up at max volume.
SMASH CUT TO: an extreme closeup of El Chapo shoveling dirt out of the way for Adrian Martinez. The SFB nervously tries not to make eye contact with Scott Frost or the guy who has had thousands of people murdered.
Get a Portrait Done of His Mugshot by the Tom Brady Sketch Artist, Then Feature that Image on the Team Helmets
Take that piece of modern art, keep it out of the Louvre for a few more days, and then have the Huskers wear it as the logo on their alternate uniform helmets.
You know, kind of like this:
Make Him MC an in-game Tribute to the Callahan Era
Have him walk out to the 50-yard-line during the middle of the Ohio State game and announce the inglorious return of Steve Pederson. He’ll have a throat-slashingly good tribute to Bill Callahan, and a punt, pass, punt-return-for-3.1-yards contest with fan favorite Santino Panico.
Public Lifting Contest With Scott Frost at Fan Day
Because, let’s be honest: you probably don’t want to do this unless you’re a player for the team. Even then, it might be a little dicey. Frost looks like he snorts protein powder and injects pre-workout into his veins every morning at 4:15 AM before deadlifting Mike Riley’s old Prius.
