The 10 Most Trash Parts of Ted Cruz’s Basketball Hype Video

Apparently Ted Cruz is going to play Jimmy Kimmel this Saturday in a one-on-one basketball game for charity. This spectacular PR stunt from the least likable bag of douche in contiguous United States and the suddenly, wonderfully, politically relevant Kimmel promises to be many things.

It will be spectacularly bad. It will feature a ridiculous amount of pomp and circumstance as Ted desperately, wheedlingly, begs us to hate him a little less and Kimmel revels in ribbing. It will probably feature some gratuitous attempts by Ted’s staffers to try to normalize their boss, who’s graced with all the natural charisma of a used diaper in a Denny’s parking lot.

To that end, Ted Cruz’s Twitter account recently released their version of a miniature hype-video, featuring the lucid-skinned lawmaker poking fun at his basketball skills on the court. They did this, making an egregious miscalculation about how it would be received. Here’s the video, and here is my in-depth analysis about which parts of this video are the most trash.

NUMBER ONE:

“LOL.”

His PR team thought, in between discussions around why it’s actually a good thing for infants to be ripped away from people seeking asylum.

“Now people will see this sanctimonious pile of tighty-whities as someone who is in on the joke. This will totes work.”

“LOL.

The internet also thought.

Ted, as usual, has zero idea that we will, in fact, never be laughing with him. He’s a monstrous, flaccid, corpse of a human and will always be equal parts bitterly hilarious and bogeyman-terrifying.

NUMBER TWO:

Ted, shown in the very beginning of the video dribbling the ball wildly high, like he’s some kind of martian that hasn’t yet assimilated to our planet’s gravity (*Author’s note: which sounds entirely feasible) does his own version of the crossover dribble with absolutely zero concerns for his manhood.

With how high he’s bouncing it, plus his obvious lack of crossover practice, shouldn’t he be a little concerned about catching some leather in the junk? Or, and stay with me here, could it be that a guy who’s widely reviled for having no testicular fortitude simply not…have…anything to worry about?

NUMBER THREE:

Let’s talk about where he appears to be getting in his basketball work. While it’s entirely expected for Ted Cruz to find himself alone (*Author’s note: after they undoubtedly already picked teams for the pickup game and he got left out for the 66th consecutive game), it is equally expected to see him more comfortable on a tennis court.

NUMBER FOUR:

On second thought, the real reason Ted Cruz is probably alone on the basketball court is that he got ejected from his pickup game for throwing too many elbows.

NUMBER FIVE:

Can we talk about the gym where Ted Cruz is shooting hoops. Are those…curtains in the background? What kind of lily-white fancy-ass garbage basketball court is this?

I get that it’s really only ever used for Tennis, but everyone knows that basketball in the summer is supposed to be played exclusively on basketball courts that are hotter than the kitchen of a Cajun restaurant (*Author’s note: I would know) and in windowless, airless gymnasiums that only have one gigantic fan blowing air our a side entrance.

NUMBER SIX:

Let’s talk about that set shot. I don’t honestly know if Kimmel can jump, but if he can clear a CD that’s laying flat on the ground, he’s going to be able to block Ted’s floppy, sloppy chuck-shot.

Also, is it required that if you’re going to not leave the floor when shooting the basketball that you wear goofy, mid-ankle white socks? Asking for a State Senator.

NUMBER SEVEN:

Several rhetorical questions, beginning with the most important one:

WHY THE F- ARE YOU SWEATING SO MUCH, TED?!?!

How many godforsaken takes did you have to do just to miss convincingly? Is the thermostat in the gym set to “Beto O’Rourke’s Coming for Your Ass”? Why has your backsweat turned your shirt into an oil-on-cotton painting of some kind of glandular grand canyon?

NUMBER EIGHT:

You’ve undoubtedly heard of Pistol Pete Maravich. But, do you want to know what Assault Rifle Ted Cruz looks like driving to the hole?

NUMBER NINE:

This poem goes out to noted Green Eggs and Ham enthusiast, Ted Cruz.

We do not like you on these courts
We do not like you, wearing shorts
We do not like you, read polls & reports
We do not like you, playing sports.

We’ll never like you, Ted No-Game
We’ll never like you, Ted No-Shame
We do not like you with a ball
I hope you get no votes this fall.
We won’t ruffle your hair, like Trump & Fallon
Not even your son likes you, ask Grayson Allen.

NUMBER TEN:

#Neverforget.