About Non-Single Tinder Users

Missy Indy
Sep 5, 2018 · 8 min read

The uprising of social app Tinder has definitely created some interesting phenomenon in dating and relationship history. Regardless those broken communication behavior patterns like ghosting, from time to time, psychology journals and articles about Tinder and associated dating/relationship issues flourish on various social media platforms. One topic stands out to me particularly — how people in a stable (or sometimes even long-term) dating or marriage relationship use Tinder.

#ghost definition

Brief History of Tinder

Back in 2004, founders of Tinder, Justin and Sean, crossed path in their freshman year at University of Southern California and decided to join forces in order to run their side businesses. They first created this app to network with college students to join their parties, of course with some admission fee.

How Tinder Works

First designed for iOS, and later extended to Android market, Tinder is a smartphone app that perform technology-assisted matchmaking process. Users are shown photos of nearby potential matches and can swipe right to “like” or left for “nope”. Mutual right swipes result in a match, followed by the prompt to either send a message or “keep playing”.

Tinder has revolutionized the technology-assisted matchmaking process. While traditional dating sites require extended periods of time in front of the desktop writing and browsing long bios, Tinder can be played in short bursts on the go. It also values efficiency (and this generation’s comfort with releasing personal information online) by importing profile information directly from Facebook including name, age, interests, and most importantly mutual friends. And thus, romance has become a second screen experience.

(Time Magazine, 2014)

How Non-Single People Use Tinder

Some non-single users are pretty honest about their relationship status (some even put pictures of their partners/child(ren) in their bio), and let you know what they are looking for so that you can adjust your expectation. Fair play.

But for others, not quite so. We are not talking about those who use Tinder to add a bit of excitement to their boring lives from having affairs. But an intriguing behavior in which people in a happy and stable relationship use Tinder behind their partners’ back. These group of people not only have Tinder on their smartphones, but would also use it regularly. If I have a chance, or if I am bold enough, I would like to ask them why.

Here Comes the Story of An Acquaintance of Mine…

About a year ago, I dated someone I met from Tinder. We never made it official, and he treated me as his “significant other”. This story is not about me and my Significant Other, but about him and his co-worker, who is a 30+ lady that I met once or twice in some social occasions, referred as “Acquaintance” below.

Acquaintance once briefly showed us her smartphone over dinner to illustrate her point. Significant Other got her point, and I got something more — I noticed the eye-catching red flame icon of Tinder on the smartphone. Allow me to squeeze in a bit of background here about myself, I am a social worker/counselor/psychologist, who is sensitive to details, a true believer of “non-judgmental” attitude and “never make assumption base on facts from a single source”. That’s why at that moment it didn’t strike me as strange. Well, Tinder is a pretty popular social app. I met my Significant Other on Tinder, so why couldn’t she have it on her smartphone?

But, I was genuinely surprised when I later learnt from Significant Other that Acquaintance actually has a boyfriend. Reasons:

  • She has Tinder on her smartphone, occupying a prominent position on the screen, as in those actively used apps.
  • She never mentions that she has a boyfriend. People who are happily engaged in a relationship would usually tell you a bit about their partners in conversations, especially if this is the first time you meet them (do anticipate exception for gay couples). You wouldn’t want someone to take your message in a different way than intended, or bring bad reputation to yourself.
  • She has been actively flirting with Significant Other even in front of me. I thought it’s because she has a very loose boundary and quite likes to seek attention (all topics would lead back to her personally at the end). But it’s not only me, people who see how they interact have some harsher comments. Significant Other once told me his uncle thought that she had a big hit on him. But Significant Other denied it as he didn’t find her attractive.

Yet, being a confident adult with a proper self image, I didn’t care much back then, as she is just someone I barely know. Regardless, it was interesting to hear Significant Other ranted about how frustrated he was working with Acquaintance’s naivety and attention seeking, and this is when she becomes intriguing.

According to Significant Other, Acquaintance needs constant pat on her shoulder and compliments for every single bits of work she does, regardless of quality (let me rub it in, she’s over 30); even with a lawyer training in university, she doesn’t seem to acquire critical thinking skills and is often quite bias when perceiving things, in which she judges everything with regards to her personal flavor quite often; worst among all, she would throw temper tantrum and even not show up for work when things do not go her way, or when her messy work with poor quality is pointed out and criticized (to be honest, I have seen her work, and would expect it to be much more organized, precise and concise for a law graduate with a few years of work experience).

To be a peacemaker and mediator, which is my favorite role, I remember comforting Significant Other by empathizing with him, and helped him acquire a strength-base mindset — If you decided to start a business with her, you should have known her pretty well and there should be something about her that is desirable. He shrugged and said that she was the only handy and available option back then. Hum…Honey, if you only take whatever option available and moans about quality later, you are not going to get far without some brain and vision.

Anyway, it all makes sense to me after reading an article on Business Insider UK yesterday, which explains a lot about Acquaintance's behavior and answers my questions towards the use of Tinder in non-single people.

What Scientists Found Out

A group of scientists from Erasmus University Rotterdam shared my wonder. They utilized their resources to find out the motivations for why people use dating apps like Tinder while already in relationships, and the results revealed something about how psychopaths behave. The original study “Why are you cheating on tinder? Exploring users’ motives and (dark) personality traits” published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior could be found .

The study involved nearly 1,500 Tinder users. More than 300 participants said they used the app despite being committed to someone else, and over half of those in a relationship said they had met someone through the app.

Survey results showed that non-single people who use the dating app tend to be more psychopathic. They reported higher scores for using Tinder because they were curious about it than single users, and lower scores for wanting to find love, probably because they were already partnered up.

Personality differences between single and non-single users are also significant.

Partnered Tinder users reported lower scores on agreeableness and conscientiousness and higher scores on neuroticism and psychopathy compared to people in a committed relationship who did not use a dating app.

Interestingly, partnered Tinder users with a higher score on psychopathy were also more likely to use Tinder for casual sex and reported a higher number of one night stands with other dating app users.

(lead author Elisabeth Timmermans)

Now It All Makes Sense

Writing this, I remember Significant Other once commented how messed up (from the mouth of a play boy!) Acquaintance is regarding her romantic relationship. She had met quite a lot of different people on Tinder and have casual sex with them even when she has a boyfriend. Now it came to me that she might just simply be a psychopath.

Psychopathy is among the most difficult disorders to spot. The psychopath can appear normal, even charming. Underneath, s/he lacks conscience and empathy, making him/her manipulative, volatile and often (but by no means always) criminal. For more, please refer to “Antisocial Personality Disorder” in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Psychopaths may have very different motivations for their romantic relationships than other people. They are driven by power and their ego. It is not surprising that higher scores on psychopathy and Machiavellianism (a personality trait which sees a person so focused on their own interests they will manipulate, deceive, and exploit others to achieve their goals) were significantly linked with a sexual motive and with using Tinder for an ego boost.

You might question about generalization of the research results due to cultural differences. But for what I see and experience, it should not be a big concern. Using this app but not million others developed in China or other parts of the world already generates certain level of background homogeneity. And if you match with some one on the app, you two shares some cultural backgrounds and agreement to come up to the point of meeting up. This is universal to all Tinder users.

Good Luck to Acquaintance

The entire planet is connected by six degree of separation, or even less in Hong Kong, where every body seems to know every body. I wish the very best to Acquaintance when she continues her game on Tinder for some ego boost and not getting caught red handed by her boyfriend.

whatindywrites

Tickles in My Brain

Missy Indy

Written by

Registered Social Worker | Psychologist | Hype Life | Urban Outdoor

whatindywrites

Tickles in My Brain

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