Why Kid Cudi sharing his story is important to me.
When depression affects so much of your life, whether it’s been my mother who has battled with it for years or even some of my closest friends. I often find myself being extremely hard on myself trying to make sure I don’t get so far into myself.
At one point in my life I really believed happiness was a choice. Depression isn’t something you can just turn off or decide that today I will be happy. An artist who I respect, admire and consider myself a huge fan of released a statement on his Facebook page that he was seeking treatment for depression.
Only a few days after reading Anthony J. Williams’ piece (https://medium.com/@anthoknees/depression-feels-like-decay-in-real-time-5e3313365582#.fdrd3kfnh) which I shared on my Facebook & Twitter accounts after posted it. I wept because I remember so many times, having to visit my mom at rehabilitation centers.
She had been in and out the duration of my life and I didn’t understand it until I reached high school. Never really told any of my friends when she wasn’t around, though not for a long period of time. I’ve seen her overcome and withstand so much, but those were the most vulnerable moments. Her face read that she felt defeated, like she let us down. When I was younger I felt she did (I didn’t know any better).
Once my mom left my sister and I a suicide letter, after adjusting to our move to a South Chicago suburb. She garnered a huge promotion and I don’t think she was handling the pressure well, since both my dad and sister decided not to join us. I wasn’t adjusting to the new school either because I missed my friends and my family being apart wasn’t easy. I don’t believe I’ve felt the same since, my father even blamed me for my mother’s attempt. My mother is doing much better and she’s much happier than I’ve seen her in years. Yet those moments of anger, sadness and confusion haunt me even in my adult life.
I made the choice early in my life to stay away from substances thinking I’ll fall victim to abusing them. Doing what I thought was best to be as in control of my life as possible. Despite my ignorance then, I know depression isn’t that simple to control.
Losing one of my friends (pictured above) who suffered with PTSD after two tours to Afghanistan in 2013, was also painful because I knew he struggled after coming back home. I didn’t know the severity but he expressed always feeling alone and I just didn’t get it. He actually made fun of me in middle school and we connected as adults, a lot of our conversations involved his obsession with Jordans, the girls he slept with and I sharing my escapades with boys. Finding out after him not answering texts that his mother found him in his apartment, the next day I just sat in my car in the parking lot of my job sobbing. I thought to myself what could I have done, I should’ve been present more. Watching your friends suffer, I wonder even now how can I be supportive.
Someone I didn’t know, MarShawn McCarrel, took his life earlier this year, it really hit many in activist/organizer circles pretty hard. I even gradually started to pull back from being involved in movement work… I wanted to protect the very thing that was important to me: my health. “My demons won today, I’m sorry.” still haunts me from time to time. If the very work I wanted to do could consume him, what would it have done for me.
Not too long after that, I took myself to Hawaii, I felt suffocated and needed to escape. I spent time with myself and I hadn’t done that in a really long time. Just being in Hawaii was a struggle because I thought about how fortunate I was to be able to go. The first two days I made myself sick with guilt and had difficulty enjoying my trip. I had to ask myself really tough questions. I had to really put everything in perspective… I didn’t have the luxury to go with the motions anymore.
I had to really start looking out for my well-being and coming to the realization that asking for help is okay. I’ve learned that sharing your battle saves not only your life but others. You and I are not alone, we have to look out for each other.
Suicide Hotline 1–800–784–8433
LGBT Support: 1–800–246–7743
