Choosing Your Focus
Is life passing you by in a fevered rush? What makes YOU happy? Let’s get it figured out, right now.
I try to keep a professional distance from my clients’ lives, but if there is anything coaching has taught me, it’s that although each of us travels a unique path of experiences, we often end up meeting at the same stops.
“Linda” was a committed, intelligent, career and family woman, bravely preparing for an impending empty nest. Her visions for the future were exciting and spoke to fulfillment and adventure, even some liberating fun. When we began our session, it was all about making those dreams come to fruition, and she was practically standing on her ear to get started. (I love that!)
As the hour progressed and she listed even greater expectations for the coming months, Linda’s tone began to darken with agitation. It was clear she was already disappointed in what she hadn’t yet been able to accomplish. (Linda is a force and has high standards.)
But when the discussion took an unexpected turn to family and children, particularly the teen who still lives at home, her stress floated away like a mist, her language glowed with warm pride and comfort.
After just a few pointed questions, the remainder of our session shifted to glorious. “HE (her youngest son) is where my satisfaction is right now,” Linda heard herself discover. “He is an absolute priority. That is the majority of my heart. That’s all my heart!”
(Here I was biting my tongue! This is the magic moment! Go Linda Go!!!)
“I want to be on my upswing as he goes off to college. But thinking about this makes me see that his leaving is not very far away. In eighteen months he’ll be gone! The accomplishments I want for myself are great, but right now what I really want is to focus on him — a loving home, hot meals, giving him a shoulder or an ear when he needs it.”
And that was that. She’d found her priority. Truly, I never could have guessed our time together would resolve this way. She said these very words.
“Giving him a hot breakfast and having him leave for school feeling taken care of: That’s the most valuable thing I can do with my life right now. There’s no recognition for that kind of work, but whatever else does or doesn’t get done doesn’t matter compared to my connection with him. I’ll know I’ve done my most important work.”
Thankfully, this was a phone session, so she couldn’t see my hand go to my heart, the tears welling in my eyes. In that brief moment, I was her, she was me.
I gave no opinions or advice; that’s not my job. I just asked more questions, helped reframe and refine, support and sometimes challenge her conclusions. I allowed her the freedom to talk through her thoughts and doubts, hear herself and acknowledge what she really wants.
What Linda doesn’t know is, that call changed my life. Or at least my mornings for the next few years. I’d been coached.
We hung up and I resolved to take a breath, set my own plans, busyness and annoyances aside, and release the weekday mornings to getting my own teenaged boys fed, somewhat organized and peaceably out the door.
This mindfulness sets the tone for their day. I made no announcement of my intention, but the boys noticed a change immediately: the cooked breakfast, the permission slips already signed, band booster check written out before the frantic deadline. My example encourages them to get their own things in order too but without the usual preaching.
Like Linda, I have so little time left with these long-legged creatures, and I don’t want them to remember their childhood home as a harried, angry, train wreck. Right now, this is one of the things that matter most to me. So thank you, Linda. Next session is on me. :)
Of course, your life is different from Linda’s and so are your priorities. Do you know your priorities? Let’s get those figured out, right now.
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Choosing Your Focus: A Worksheet
Most of us adults are covered up in chores and responsibilities, yes me too. But are you spending your life on what matters to you, or just letting circumstances gobble up your time and energy?
Are you doing what you need to do to be the person you want to be?
I can pretty much assure you, if we don’t line things out for ourselves, every one of our resources will be zapped by home maintenance and taxes and feeding people and checkups and earning the money to pay for that stuff and trying to recover from the stress of it all, and — what do you know — it’ll be next year, and nothing substantial will have changed.
Ask yourself this: What do I need to do this year to be the person I want to be? Maybe…
- Become debt-free
- Commit to a spiritual path
- Reconnect with an estranged family member
- Volunteer to a cause that matters to you
- Go to rehab
- Write a book
- Start a business
Maybe you don’t know quite yet. Answer the questions below to rediscover and commit to what’s important — not to anyone else — but to you. I promise, the sooner you get this written out, the clearer your path will become.
Side note: If the idea of prioritizing your happiness feels selfish, ask yourself…
- Will my love relationship survive a consistently unhappy me?
- Does my child deserve to grow up with an unhappy parent? How about my parents? How does having a spiteful child affect them?
- What about my job? If I regularly show up angry and brooding, how will that influence my career trajectory, my coworkers and the company itself?
Your happiness does affect those around you. It matters beyond just you. Let’s figure this out.
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What Matters Most to YOU?
- My Career (or what I do with most of my time)
What matters most in my career?
Where am I in my career now?
Where do I want to be?
Action Point: What’s my first step to getting there?
When will I take it?
2. My Money
What matters most in my finances?
Where am I now, financially?
Where do I want to be?
Action Point: What’s my first step to getting there?
When will I take it?
3. My Home
What matters most about where I live?
What is my current housing situation?
Where do I want to be?
Action Point: What’s my first step to getting there?
When will I take it?
4. My Relationships
What matters most in my relationships?
What is the current state of my relationships?
Where do I want to be?
Action Point: What’s my first step to getting there?
When will I take it?
5. My Spiritual Life
What matters most in my spiritual life?
Where am I now, spiritually?
Where do I want to be?
Action Point: What’s my first step to getting there?
When will I take it?
Do not fret if you can’t fill in all of these blanks right away. It’s alright to sit with the questions, let them soak in. But don’t let them go. This is your life we’re figuring out. You are worth the effort.
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Next time: Finding Time for What You Want
To see more articles from me follow my Medium profile https://medium.com/@pennyrackley
Curious about coaching? Ready for some outside help? Learn more at www.pennyrackley.com.
Available for freelance writing at pennyrackley@mac.com.
