Everyone Is Wrong About “Bad Candy”
It’s time to say enough to those haters. Don’t worry candy corn, tootsie rolls, and circus peanuts. Your defender is here.
For example, in the picture above, there are at least seven good candies. Smarties are good, they’re like a Pez with a punch. Lemonheads are always good, even when chewy. Rain-blo pops are the gummy Tootsie pops. Now and Later might be the best hard candy. Gum is gum. And don’t f*ck with me on gummy worms.
Let’s see what other candies people are calling bad:
No, candy corn is not a bad candy, you’re just a bad person. Sorry, but it’s true. Candy corn is honey flavored. You know, the best flavor in nature. It’s not ear wax, it’s sugar. Eat it. Enjoy yourself. It’s candy.
Circus peanuts do have a weakness. If you start disliking them, stop eating them. It means you’ve eaten too many. But in a limited batch, only eating a few, they’re a good candy. Just stop eating too many.
Tootsie Rolls are chocolate, you heathen. Chocolate by rule cannot be bad. Yes that includes Hershey’s. If Hershey’s wasn’t good you wouldn’t have grown up on it. It’s a classic and makes s’mores better. Sweet Tarts are like Smarties made easier to chew.
Are you really laying down Whoppers as the worst candy? Seriously? No, no, hold me back. Malted milk is amazing. Whoppers is malted milk chocolate. You ever have a chocolate malt? Because if not, your life has yet to be changed. You’re not a fully grown human being.
We need to rally together to fight the true enemy. It’s not any sort of candy. It’s the people giving out apples and toothbrushes. How dare you. This is Halloween. There are societal rules in place that you have to adhere to. If you’re a dentist handing out toothbrushes, you’re just losing money.