The emotionally unavailable men

Let’s take it back to the start…

And… I’m back, after being in a pseudo-relationship with (yet another) emotionally unavailable man. Only this time I’m actually not too sad about it. I just wish I had spent more time writing, but that’s my problem, writing is my therapy, and I only resort to it when I need it.

Anyway, here I am. Guess I shouldn’t beat myself up too much about it since I have been busy with things other than dating as well.

When I look back at this guy I went out with “casually” for a while, I realise he might just be another emotionally unavailable guy. Or I could be making up reasons for him not liking me enough to want a real relationship. Just because we have been going out for more than a month and we usually have a good time doesn’t mean he should want to be in a relationship with me, right? I shouldn’t feel too entitled. So, is there such thing as not being emotionally available? Or is it simply just because he’s not that into me?

I have “studied” attachment theory quite extensively after a painful breakup, and in my opinion, “avoidants” are emotionally unavailable. This is not to say that they have no emotions, but they repress their feelings so much that they are out of touch with those feelings.

The funny thing is, when you read books like Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, it just seems like men ARE avoidant in general, meaning that they would often employ strategies like repression or distraction to avoid dealing with stressful emotions. They tend to minimise feelings, be it their own or their partners’, because feelings make them “weak”.

On the other hand, women also seem to be anxious preoccupied in general. In my case, I go through rollercoasters when a guy I like go from sending me tons of texts to just sending one text in a couple of days (which happens a lot). I get anxious and nervous and I overanalyse, and sometimes I get angry or passive aggressive at those behaviours. The good thing is that after studying avoidants and myself so much, I become more aware of my anxiety and insecurities, which are still there but now I can choose not to act on them by rationalising with myself.

The only problem now is, though, how do I get out of going out with emotionally unavailable men? Do people who are securely attached even exist? Well they probably do, but are probably married with 5 kids, or are gay. Many times I just want to give up and be happily single, but I’m just not the kind of person who likes to give up. As frustrating as it is, perhaps I will have to suck it up with emotionally unavailable people who likes me and wants me enough to stick around (if such person exists and I also like said person). Meh.

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