Rules To Live By
In your dreams, present and future, you are a strong woman, capable of enduring the challenges that life hurls at you. More importantly, strong and secure enough to face the bullshit that other people (read: boyfriends/partners) insist on pouring on you.
Relationships have always been problematic for you. Not that you’ve had many — but in your 40s, 50s or older, it’s not shocking to have had your fair share.
You are the woman they need to be with but also feel compelled to criticise and forget.
You are an assumption and their presumption.
The woman whose fight is only an apologetic whimper, and by the time she’s built it up to a heart-breaking roar it is easy to say to her “stop shouting”.
The consequence for this has been a slow attrition that on your mental health, an assault on your sense of self and worth.
But imagine yourself imagining the best version of yourself, the best version of your life. Is this how your life and romantic relationships turn out? Is this what it would look and feel like? Are you the person you are proud to be?
Accept that you own your misery.
Your ‘best self’ will, therefore, be a different person. You will know that how you want to be treated is fair, is not outrageous, cannot — on any level — be labelled as needy because it isn’t. You will not doubt that when you feel you’re being bullied, you are in fact being bullied. And you have an absolute imperative, out of respect for yourself, to call out the bullying; that by doing so, you are not being “easily offended”, “too emotional”, “hysterical”, “too sensitive”; that you are not “too” anything.
Your ‘best possible self’ will have boundaries and you will enforce them. Not with a heavy hand but with a gentle firmness that can only come from accepting that you have a right to those boundaries. They are not peevish entitlements. They are not a deluded expectation of hubris. They are there to protect us from losing ourselves.
You will ruminate less. Introspection will be a strength but you will be very conscious never to allow it to become rumination. You will not accept the criticism from others when they tell you “you think too much” because one cannot think too much. Thinking is good. Everyone should use their brains more. You will smile strongly and say “Thank you!”
You will be driven; driven to empower your own life. You will focus on building a working life that will fulfil you and ensures that you are financially independent, whatever the age you are starting at. You will meet like-minded people who are about being their best selves and giving back. You will not allow yourself to be chided on the romanticism of “pro bono” or “social conscience”. You will trust yourself to do what’s right.
You will practice self care. Exercise helps you feel better. You knows this, so you will commit to being regular in your attendance to your own physicality. You won’t allow sadness to demotivate you. You won’t put other people’s needs first by cancelling your commitment to herself. You will eat better, sleep more, take time out to reflect and recharge, sit with your own thoughts and meditate, do more of what you enjoy with or without a companion, because you know you don’t need one.
You will travel to where you want, when you want. You will make time for others, of course. You will continue to consider other people’s needs and wants, and you will continue to support them, because you are an empathetic, compassionate and loving person. But never again at your expense, with no hope of reciprocation.
Your ‘best possible self’ will never again be anyone’s forgone conclusion.
