My Past Year..
This past year of my life has been a lot harder than I wished it would have been. I’ve been hurt both physically, mentally and emotionally. At times I’ve felt like giving up and not getting out of bed. I’ve pushed myself and have learned my own strength.
As I was on the entrance ramp from the 60 West to the 91 West I lost control of my vehicle and totaled by vehicle. At first, I was more upset about totaling my car that I had worked so hard to purchase on my own. I had to spend a day in the hospital for observation because of a spot they found on my lung and abnormal blood work. As the hours past and the adrenaline in my body dissipated, my body began to feel the impact of the accident and I felt even worse the next day, but acted as if I was fine hoping that would convince the doctors to let me go home.
Over the next few days my mom stood in Riverside with me to help me recover. Between my mom and partner they helped me shower, get dressed and cook my meals. I felt useless. I’m an adult and couldn’t even shower on my own. I cried like a baby at least a few times a day because I was frustrated that I couldn’t care for myself. All of this was more of a mental battle for me than physical. I was angry and blamed myself for the accident. After all, so did the my car insurance company… I went to the tow yard to inspect the vehicle and get my belongings that weren’t spread across the freeway. From there I had several checkups to ensure I was healing well. I had plenty of doctors and nurses tell my how lucky I was to be alive, that I was such a strong young lady and healing so well. Of course I put on a smile and agreed. Inside I was still so angry and bitter with myself for causing all of it.
Within a few days I was getting calls about medical billing and soon found out my medical bills were well over $100,000. I could barely afford my daily expenses, so how was I suppose to pay this off? Then the realization sunk in that I wouldn’t be able to attend summer classes like I had planned. Since I couldn’t go to school, I immediately wanted to head back to work and make some money. By body was in no condition to return, but once again I put on a pretty smile and convinced my doctor I was ready to go back. I pushed myself way more than I should have and hurt daily because of it. Everyone saw the discomfort but I never let them know of the real pain I was in daily.
All of these physical boundaries made me feel like I wasn’t myself. I was so used to caring for myself and those around me. I felt like I had lost part of myself and became bitter, yet hid it from everyone. I started to become annoyed and bothered by those around me. Once again I held it all in a kept moving forward. I also experienced anxiety when in the car, especially on the freeway. My partner started to become frustrated with me, being a car enthusiast, he couldn’t understand why I was so scared even months after the accident. We got in several fights over my new irritability and anxiety, then I’d feel guilty and blame myself for the fights. I just needed someone to acknowledge my feelings, instead of making me feel like a crazy person. We mended things to keep our life together going. Since then we have gone our separate ways and I can’t help but feel like some to it was because of issues we never talked out during this time. I’ll forever be thankful for him meeting me on the freeway immediately after my accident, helping me shower, dress myself, clean my wounds, and even shave my underarms when I couldn’t.
I’ve always had a plan in my life, followed it and was able to be “ the golden child” (as my family calls me). I lost myself because of this accident and still haven’t been able to fully find myself since then. I’ve worked on my anxiety on the freeway and made real progress, by now driving myself places. I’ve worked on my temper with others and try to stay calm, cool and collected. Over time I’ll make even more improvements and move forward.
As women we are taught to be strong and move forward even when life has us down. I’m learning that there isn’t anything wrong with showing vulnerability and sharing about our struggles. As we saw with the women at the Purple Spring March, there is strength in sharing and coming together as women. All of are wounds are different and some are deeper than others, however we need to learn to acknowledge them and see their isn’t any shame in sharing. Like the women in the Gulabi Gang, we all have an inner badass waiting to come out and it doesn’t hurt to look flawless in pink, while doing it. Most importantly we need to remember as women we shouldn’t tear each other own through our struggles. bell hooks speaks on the importance of sisterhood and support we should be offering one another.
Seeing me now you would never guess I was in a horrible accident less than a year ago because I look completely fine now. My body still aches when it’s cold and when I push myself a little to far. I’m left with one barely noticeable scar on my left arm and I love it. This accident might have done a whole lot of damage in my life, but it only left one little scar.
