The problem with being an ambitious woman
My mother is the most ambitious woman I know. I grew up watching her go from nothing, to everything she could have ever dreamed. She grew up really poor and dealt with addiction most of her young life. She finally got sober when she was pregnant with my youngest brother. In fact, my first memories are inside of this hospital-like rehab.
My mother cleaned up her act, went back to school, worked multiple jobs and became quite successful. She bought her own home, a new car, and put all her kids through school.
When I was about 10 years old she started a relationship with my step-dad, David. A hard working construction worker that she knew from her childhood. They loved each other very much but they were quite different. He was a homebody and she was a social butterfly. He never graduated high school and she went from a GED to a Master’s Degree. She always made more money because of her education and always had ambition to continue to climb the ladder to the very top of her field in Human Resources. He didn’t have much ambition and more than once growing up, I saw her being discouraged from opportunities. Especially ones that would cause us to move, no matter how great they would of been for her/us.
Her ambition always was a source of conflict in their relationship and me and my siblings were always aware of this. I mean, there were many different conflicts, of course, because now they are divorced. But that conflict was one that always stuck with me. Because my mother instilled her ambition in me, absolutely, and I have begun to see it cause conflict in my relationship. You always say you won’t end up like your mother but it always seems to happen, doesn’t it? Self fulfilling prophesy.
I have a goal to do some serious traveling after graduation from CSULA. I have no kids, I’m not married, I don’t own property or a new car. I have nothing tying my down and I have done that very purposefully. The only thing is, I am in a serious relationship. We are having our three year anniversary in August and I have lived with him for about 2 of those years. He’s really fun, wonderfully supportive of everything I do but hates the fact that I want to leave for an undetermined amount of time after graduation. I mean, any boyfriend probably would be sad or upset in this situation. He never tells me not to go, but I can tell he’s ready to start his life with me. He’s really old school: wants to get married and have babies. And I love him to death but to be perfectly honest, just the thought of that stuff makes me very flustered and causes my temperature to rise. I’ve always been a big dreamer with a lot of ambition and no man is going to change that about me. But of course, I feel guilty and I hate that I do. The problem with being an ambitious woman is that it isn’t great for relationships. He would support me 100% if my plans had to do with me staying in LA. But they don’t.
Even writing this now, I’m holding back tears. Because I saw my mom say to no to certain dreams for a man and I will not that mistake. But it means that I will probably end up losing someone I love very much. I have a few ideas of where I want to go after graduation and what I want to do, I want to get a visa and find work teaching in Thailand. I want to live there for 6 months to a year and maybe even more. I wouldn’t expect him to come with me and I wouldn’t expect him to wait for me. This is something I think about often, just in my attempt to come to terms with it because I know it’s going to happen. But such is the plight of the ambitious woman, she will grow and grow but may be forced to leave ones that she cares for behind.
I don’t feel like my relationship is a waste of time. We are a team and love each other very much. He teaches me so much about love and myself every single day. And in all actuality, I don’t know what the future holds for us. But I do know that I will achieve my goals and live my dreams, that is what will fulfill me and hopefully I can find someone who is down for the ride.
