Life at 21
I just recently read Hannan Zubair ‘Life at 27’ story, and it greatly inspired me to start documenting my journey. If you haven’t already read it, then I highly recommend that you do.
In his post, Hannan asked the question: how do you know that you are growing up?
For me, at this very moment and age, I would answer with When the person that you are now is the person that past you dreamed of becoming. I think that’s how you know that you’re growing up.
I celebrated my 21st birthday on January 5th. Since then, it’s been a hell of a ride. Despite that, I’ve learned so many things about myself. And I have redefined my ideas on life, friendships, success, and happiness. I’m not perfect, and if I truly think about it, I haven’t changed all that much. I still struggle with some of the same issues that high school and younger me struggled with, the only difference now is that I am capable of controlling how I react to those problems. I no longer give so much power to small issues and instead focus on what I can control. It wasn’t easy to get here, and I’m still forever growing and learning, but for now, here are some lessons I’ve learned at 21.
Your Parents Aren’t Always Right
It might seem a bit strange to lead with that, but this is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned.
I must start by saying that I love my parents. My parents, although not perfect, have supported me my entire life. They’ve taught me so much and have truly helped me become the person I am today, and for that, I am forever thankful.
There are, however, times that I don’t agree with them, especially when it comes to my future. It’s safe to say that all parents — at least the good ones want what’s best for their child. So when college decisions come around, and career questions start to form, they will naturally choose what they believe is best for their child.
But sometimes, what they think is best is not exactly what’s right for their child.
When it came to college majors and careers I had no idea what I wanted to do or choose, so I went to my parents for guidance. They, like most parents, told me to choose a high-paying career, and so I did. Two years into my computer science degree, I decided that it just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t that the major was too challenging, it was just that it didn’t offer me much room for creativity. So against my parent’s wishes, I switched my major.
This, it felt, was the first real adult decision that I made. A decision that was solely my own, not influenced by my parents or friends, or society. A decision that I would see to the very end.
This isn’t to say don’t listen to your parents, because you should listen to them. It’s just to say that if it doesn’t feel right for you, then it probably isn’t.
My parents only want the best for me, and for them, computer science was my best chance at success. But it didn’t make me happy it made me miserable. So I changed it.
Your parents aren’t always right, but they always mean well.
Solitude is Blessed
The pandemic brought about a lot of different emotions for me. Sadness because I was no longer able to go out with my friends. Happiness because both school and my workplace closed down; so for the first time in a long time. I could breathe. Loneliness because now, with so much free time on my hand, I had absolutely nothing to do other than sit alone with my thoughts.
The first couple of months were hard, and during that time, I occupied most of my time with video games and Netflix. I was bored out of my mind. But things got better when I decided to try new things. I started researching things to do alone or things to do at home, and during one of my many searches, I came across a video called ‘How To Be Alone’.
This video, I can truly say, is one of the best discoveries I’ve made in 2020–2021. It taught me how to embrace being alone and that you don’t have to be lonely just because you’re alone. One of my favorite quotes from the video is
Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it. — Andrea Dorfman
Because of this video, I started practicing mindfulness, meditation, yoga, painting, and so much more. These activities helped me calm my mind and look deep within to reevaluate my feelings and thoughts and where they stem from. I soon realized that I didn’t love myself, at least not as much as I thought I did.
When I was younger, I was extremely quiet, lonely even. I didn’t have many friends, and the only ones that I was even willing to speak to were the fictional characters from my books.
In junior high, I decided to change. I became more outspoken and outgoing, and everyone who knew me would describe me as “oh, the bubbly one.” It was a persona that I created for myself to fit in, and after a while, it just stuck.
Being alone and practicing self-care helped me realize that I spent so long trying to get other people to like me that I forgot to like myself.
So for the next few months of the pandemic, I spent all my time relearning and redefining who I am and who I want to be.
Now I’m proud to say that I am someone who is “bad at responding” solely because I’m at home enjoying my own company.
If it’s meant to be, then It’ll be
Relationships are hard no matter what age you are.
The older I get, the more I start to believe in the saying, “What’s meant to be, will be.” I’ve made lots of friends over the years, but I’ve lost a lot of friends too. One thing that I’ve learned is not to force any relationships. If it’s meant to go somewhere, then it will, and if it isn’t, then it won’t.
That’s not to say don’t put in any effort, but it’s to say that a phone works both ways. I’m slowly starting to realize that if they wanted to, then they would. You shouldn’t be the only person that tries in a relationship. You shouldn’t be the only one that supports unconditionally and makes time for every problem or rant; that should go both ways.
I’ve learned to distance myself from relationships that no longer serve me or relationships where I’m the only person willing to put in the time.
I would now rather be alone than with people who make me feel alone.
And I’m so insanely proud of myself for getting to this point and having this mindset.
Success Isn’t Everything
I spent two years of my college life miserable that’s two years I’ll never get back.
I hated my major, I was working all the time to pay off my classes, and I had little to no social life. I did all of this for sake of graduating and having a successful career. I spent so much time worrying about the future that I forgot to live in the present. A year after the pandemic hit and on my “Journey to the self” (I like to call it that), I stumbled across this movement called the ‘Slow Living Movement’. I won’t dive into it today, but this movement helped me redefine what success looks like to me.
When I was a kid, I dreamed about being a mom, having a family, and owning a little bakery.
As a teen, I dreamed about being a billionaire and having a mansion.
Now, as an adult in her early 20s, I dream about what kid me wanted, a family, a peaceful home, simple living, and maybe just maybe a bakery.
Don’t get me wrong, having a mansion and being a billionaire would be nice. But because of the slow living movement, I realize now that dream was heavily influenced by societal and family pressures/standards.
I grew up in a family that put a huge emphasis on money and success. Which is common but growing up in this environment always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. My failures were highlighted, and my achievements were sometimes overlooked. It’s not till now, years later, that I realize that I had adapted my family and society’s definition of success.
Success shouldn’t just be about having a crazy amount of money, and success definitely shouldn’t be measured by academic performance.
Living by their definition made me feel miserable for years, and it wasn’t until I let go of that, that I was able to feel happy.
I now no longer have a definition of success. I instead choose to focus on intentional living and significance.
If you don’t change the focus of your life from success to significance, then life gets harder. — Matthew Emerzian
I stumbled upon this quote a while back and I can honestly say that I 100% agree with it. Check it out here!
These are some of the lessons that I’ve learned in my 21 years of age. As I said earlier, it’s been a hell of a ride, and I’m so so proud of myself for getting this far.
I’ve always loved writing and have often dreamed about sharing my thoughts and stories online with others, but I’ve never felt that I was good enough to do so. Writing this right now feels like such an accomplishment, and I’m so proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and publishing my first of many stories.
I’m still an inexperienced newbie, but I can’t wait to learn and grow with you all.
Thank you for reading!
