Thoughts On Moving Out
Fear of change + officially saying goodbye to my adolescence
I wish someone told me how scary change can be.
I move out in 4 days, and I’ve never been more terrified in my life.
Some days I wake up crippled by fear and sleep deprived from the night before, and other days I wake up feeling okay. The okay days are rare, and they never last very long before fear and anxiety take over again.
I bought a new car! A Ford Explorer (the most expensive purchase of my life).
I’ve named her Lily, although that is subject to change because according to my boyfriend, “you can’t give a cutesy name to an SUV”. Before I could disagree, he continued with “She needs a strong name like Tabitha,” which quickly got him disqualified from the name choosing altogether.
My parents aren’t very happy with the move or with me. I believe my mum’s words were “I’m very tired of you, it’s time for you to go, I want you gone.” And this hurt me more than I would care to admit.
I recently read ‘Bad Cook, Great Mom’ on Cupofjo. In the blog post, Joanna mentioned that although she isn’t a great cook, her kids know that “there is nothing in this entire universe that they could ever do or say that would make me stop loving them with my whole heart forever.” But it seems, that there is something I can do that would make my parents see me as something not worth putting in effort for. I don’t blame them, not fully. We’ve never had the best relationship, and I can understand how exhausting this must’ve been for them (It’s been exhausting for me too), but knowing this doesn’t change how painful it feels to be given up on… to be told that you are not worth it.
The lack of support and the fear of losing my family and siblings have made this move all the more terrifying. Will I ever talk to my parents again? Will they talk to me? Will I ever see my siblings again? Or will I miss my brother’s high school graduation next year? Will I be able to support myself? What if I fail?
I have so many questions, and no one and no amount of research seems to be able to fill in the holes.
But every time that I think to myself that things can’t possibly get any worse, I wake up feeling okay. Not sad, not anxious, not numb, just okay. And it’s on the okay mornings that I remember that although things are hard now, it can always get better.
Change doesn’t have to be all bad. It can be beautiful and peaceful if you allow it to be.
In this spirit, I went shopping because it suddenly hit me that despite having packed, I was still missing a lot of home essentials. So, I rubbed away my tears, washed my hair for the first time in a long time, made myself look presentable, and forced my boyfriend to come with me to World Market, where I bought the cutest little mushroom mug. This mug is one of the few things that has been bringing me joy because it’s the first item that I purchased since making this decision that was strictly out of want, not need, just a silly little thing with no real purpose.
And I think that’s what makes all the difference, choosing to have a positive outlook despite everything and choosing to find happiness in even the smallest of things — like a little mushroom mug.
If you liked this post and would like to read more from me, I started a weekly Newsletter! You can sign up here!
