1st-Grade Report Cards of the 2020 Presidential Candidates
A recently discovered trove of school reports released by WikiLeaks shows that former and current 2020 presidential candidates had at least one thing in common: the same 1st-grade teacher, Mrs. Deloris Novice.
What follows is a compilation of the 1st-grade report cards of the candidates.
Donald Trump
- Math — D
- Writing — B
- Coloring in the lines — F
Little Donnie has taken up collecting all of the erasers in the classroom and trying to sell them to his fellow students. The thing is, we all use pens so they’re kind of useless. Keeps starting his last paragraph in every essay with “in collusion.”
Pete Buttigieg
- Math — c
- Writing — B
- Flip-flopping — A
Little Pete has decided that he no longer cares about recess. He used to love recess a lot, but since a lot of the older kids don’t, he doesn’t either. Saw him at recess today. He loved it.
Bernie Sanders
- Math — A
- Writing — A
- Taking down the establishment — A+
Little Bernie is always railing about the “top 1 percent” and how we need to have “Medicare for all.” I suspect he’s a few decades older, as he’s bald and keeps asking me to call him Senator.
Elizabeth Warren
- Math — A
- Writing — A
- Explaining Medicare for All — C
Liz Warren has decided to break up the big swings decrying how unfair it really is to be at recess and have everyone on the swings taking up extra space. She’s really good at economics, balancing checkbooks and convincing other students to apply for my position as 1st-grade teacher.
Andrew Yang
- Math — A+
- Math — A+
- Math — A+
Andre Yang gave me candy. He’s always so generous.
Andrew always brings everything back to how everyone deserves candy and was overwhelmed when I explained to him how Halloween works. Afraid he hasn’t been the same since.
Tulsi Gabbard
- Math — A+
- Reading — A
- Loyalty to her class — C-
She says she’s a 1st grader, though we all suspect she’s actually in 2nd.
Joe Biden
- Math — A
- Reading — B
- Vision — C
Clearly, he’s in the front of the classroom.
Cory Booker
- Writing — A
- Reading — A
- Memory — C
Everyone likes him, but no one can remember his name.
Amy Klobuchar
- Writing — A
- Science — A
- Popularity — D
She should be more popular, but she just can’t seem to deal with being in the back of the classroom.
Michael Bloomberg
Micheal isn’t even part of this school but he insisted on me writing a progress report for him anyway.
