Aries

Your shoes will become dangerously uncomfortable and cause long-term problems with your feet if you do not throw them away immediately. Someone you secretly admire will humiliate you in front of a skate punk. That thing that won’t come out of your nose will finally come loose after a heavy meal that leaves you with far too much gas. The Tunguska event has been on your mind lately.

Taurus

The wholesome goodness of a cantaloupe might solve your problems today, assuming you don’t go out of the house. Should you leave the safety of your dwelling, be prepared for running into someone you really don’t like, someone who has no idea how much you want to just punch them in the mouth.You will go blind in one eye.

Gemini

A low-level bureaucrat from Chad or the Seychelles will ask for shelter from the authorities. The can opener will not work and you will miss the last five minutes of your favorite television program. Avoid the color pink and anything that uses Velcro.Whistle sea chanties.Yes, the cat is looking at you, but so what, it’s a cat.

Cancer

The seventeenth thing you touch today will bring you a small fortune (about $738.92) in six years; cherish that thing and do not allow any harm to come to it. Stop thinking of that person who is thinking of you thinking of them thinking about you thinking about them. Or something like that. Cross the street quicker than usual, especially before sunset.

Leo

Sneezing becomes you, so have at it. Something you threw in the trash last Thursday will become vitally important, so go find it if you still can; otherwise, you are royally screwed. You will lose a tooth in an office accident. Choose paper, not plastic. Do not dance where tall people can see you. Pay no heed to the blood in your closet.

Virgo

The odd noise you have been hearing all morning is actually your gastrointestinal tract telling you that your last meal really was not worth that money you spent. Pay more attention to your internal organs. Do not spend any paper currency today. Eat with your mouth open and you will meet someone who will greatly improve your ability to dress well.

Libra

After some thoughtful time in a public park, you will realize that you are a complete idiot. That’s okay, though; you always were. Use this knowledge wisely. Only sit on chairs made of wood. You will change your political affiliation and not even realize it. Think about wearing overalls.Don’t handle things in quantities above four.

Scorpio

Remember when you thought about killing yourself but were too scared to actually go through with it and, in fact, all you really wanted was some attention because no one seemed to care about you anymore, not even the people who said they were your best friends? Well, it’s time to try again! Oh, and do the crossword puzzle today. Finally, don’t forget that suicide note. It’s always appreciated.

Sagittarius

You will get a great job offer today that will require you to leave the country regularly. People will bump into you more than normal; don’t take it personally, it’s just one of those things. Take up a new hobby, like Origami, rollerblading, or vivisection. You forgot to put enough postage on that last package you mailed so it will be returned to you…damaged, of course.

Capricorn

No flip-flops. Got it? None. Don’t even think about it today. You will accidentally burn a friend with a candle or blowtorch sometime after dinner. Major surgery is imminent, so enjoy life while you still have full mobility. Toilet paper will stick to your shoe for nearly an hour before it is pointed out to you by a beautiful stranger who now thinks you are an ass clown. Your hair will begin to fall out.

Aquarius

Your name will appear in the newspaper account of a major crime because you share the same name with the primary suspect. Enjoy the celebrity while it lasts. The remote control will stop working. A childhood friend that you have not spoken to since, well…childhood will call you up to catch up on old times. After two minutes of conversation you will want to blow your brains out.

Pisces

An out-of-body experience will disrupt an otherwise boring lunch. You will be mistakenly arrested for shoplifting a box of feminine napkins. You will discover that the government has actually been paying no attention to your income and you could have gotten away with a fortune of unpaid taxes if only you had known sooner. An ugly woman’s child will vomit on your new clothes.

If today is your birthday

Nothing will happen that is of any interest. Seriously. You won’t meet anyone new, you won’t find money, you won’t hear any interesting news, you won’t learn a new joke. Really, nothing at all. It will just be another ordinary, very boring day. Oh, well, not completely. You will be kidnapped by aliens, taken to their spacecraft, anally probed and prodded, and finally released back on earth to continue you mundane existence. Nice present, eh?