Aries

You will gain the astonishing ability to be entirely lint-free for the first few months of the year. Potted plants will become a source of arousal for your special partner. A parental figure may require your help breaking an unhealthy addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction. Once again, you will not win the PowerBall or MegaMillions lotteries despite what that other horoscope portends. A toe will cease to properly function.

Taurus

A chinchilla or otter will become an important part of your life, enriching you in ways previously unimagined. Your coworker’s struggle with lycanthropy will finally end on a tragic and somewhat gruesome note that nonetheless leads to an unexpected career opportunity for you. A gondolier may pose a very real threat to family, so be cautious in your choice of watercraft. Avoid peanut butter, and put more effort into how you lace your shoes and boots, especially on Wednesdays.

Gemini

Now is the perfect time to write your will and brush up on how to ensure the financial security of your beneficiaries. It just so happens that it’s also a good time for ice skating, if that’s your sort of thing. A distant relative will make inappropriate demands of you, and a temporary allergy to the metric system may bring unwanted stress to an already stressful month. Take a cooking class, and avoid heights greater than twenty feet.

Cancer

A stomach virus will plague you just when it is most inconvenient. Don’t worry too much, as your online reputation will skyrocket once your former flame’s video goes viral. After decades of anxiety and doubt during the contentious Cola Wars, you will finally be at peace with your choice of soft drink. A neighbor’s child’s spontaneous pyrotechnic prowess will pose a great challenge, and your earlobes will double in size.

Leo

An anonymous package could put you front and center in the whole Bigfoot phenomenon. Try to avoid items that usually come in quantities of three, and trade in that automatic transmission vehicle for a good old-fashioned stick shift. Your bedtime sensation of being swallowed by a gigantic tube worm is nothing to be concerned about, though heavier socks may alleviate it somewhat. The fraction 7/8ths is particularly lucky this month.

Virgo

You will lose the ability to discern good music from bad at least until early summer. A cousin, or possibly an Alaskan, will seek to involve you in a lucrative yet illicit business venture that may also lead you to romantic bliss. You will witness a supernatural event that ultimately does nothing to change your view of things. Flat surfaces will tend to give you headaches, hives, yellowed fingernails, and bad breath.

Libra

A Kitchen Aid mixer mishap will change all your plans and bring you a bit of celebrity. A viewing of the film Highlander II: The Quickening will cause a mental lethargy that threatens your career. With the help of a television show and a $39.99 product, you will successfully shed seven pounds. Your new respect for insects will be short-lived. You will receive a massage from a local politician.

Scorpio

An offer to become an Uzbekistan citizen could lead to some positive life changes, but think long and hard on this one before taking action. A particularly exhilarating bicycle ride will require painful and expensive surgery if you ever intend to properly walk again. For a period of a few days you will cast no shadow; this is normal. You will begin to mistakenly receive phone calls meant for the lawyer of the Russian musicians known as Pussy Riot. Be especially kind to marsupials and munchkins.

Sagittarius

While goofing around at work you will make a world-changing discovery that, unfortunately, on account of your employment contract, will be fully credited to your employer. Just to see what happens, try buttering your bread on the other side for a while. A wizened old man will grant you the power to tame mythical creatures. Remember that toy you threw out years ago? The same one is now going for $17,240 on eBay!

Capricorn

A chance to ride an electric bull will bring you closer to someone you care about. Your attempts to buy health insurance on the Healthcare.gov website will continue to vex you. A supervisor will have all her teeth removed for no apparent reason, while your new neighbor, though outwardly pleasant, will make you even more uncomfortable, especially while hollering “Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn!” late at night.

Aquarius

Flagellation will bring you no closer to real happiness, so just stop it, okay? Instead, take a walk more often and read a good book now and then. Your almost-best friend will consult you about plastic surgery, forcing you to lie to keep the friendship. A piece of the International Space Station will sever your spinal cord, but not enough to keep you from enjoying the Superbowl. More cronuts in your diet is not recommended.

Pisces

Your gag reflex will diminish dramatically, opening up new possibilities for personal and financial reward. A mentor’s felony conviction should give you pause, while a stranger’s kindness should be ignored. Leather no longer suits you; stick to artificial fabrics and pastels. The ability to see in the fifth dimension may come and go sporadically. A verbal faux pas may result in the execution of an innocent, so watch what you say.

If today is your birthday

A confidante will implicate you in a scheme to launder money through local daycare centers. An attempt to take up archery will lead to pain and frustration, so please stop trying to be like that Hunger Games character. Your Target purchases last month are now making a Nigerian warlord very happy. Eat more soft cheeses, avoid wrist exercises, and buy a pair of Crocs. And stop sending those threatening emails to Edward Snowden.