Your Horoscope for November

If you are an earth dweller

Aries

Learn to cantor. That foreign trip you always dreamed of may finally happen, just not the way you wanted. A robocall may lead to a steamy romance, so don’t hang up too quickly. After the new moon, switch to an organic-free diet to help recapture that feeling of youth. A mistake at work will leave you in an enviable position, so exploit it while you can, even if it means destroying a friendship. You will receive a postcard from Senator Ted Cruz.

Taurus

Plausible denial should be your motto this month. Don’t listen to too much pop music. Instead, try and acquaint yourself with monastic chants, especially during the dinner hour. A strong physical attraction to a piece of furniture is possible, especially while visiting a relative. Consider going up one clothing size, and double-down on collecting coupons. A sharp pain between the 7th and the 19th can be safely ignored.

Gemini

That idea you had for a great mobile app will make someone else filthy rich. Now’s the time to put all your energy into that other great idea you had, 3D-printed paper for use in 2D printers. Yellow vegetables are a sure way to reduce that pesky flatulence, if it matters. Neptune is behind the third cusp of Venus, or something like that. It’s probably not very important, at least not to your probation officer. Oops, a bit of a giveaway, huh?

Cancer

Who says amputation always has to be a bad thing? Keep a positive attitude and this month could be a real winner. For instance, you know that souvenir from the beach that you lost? That bottle opener thing with the pink dangly thing on it? It’s high time you looked again. And they say the weather should be nice, so that’s good. Didn’t your boss smile at you? Cheer up, then. Huge advances are being made every day in prosthetics.

Leo

At around 3 o’clock on a Tuesday you will realize that your coworker is not wearing underwear. Be careful how you react to this realization. One of the walls in your home will begin curving in a disturbingly non-Euclidean way, and after dark a horrid chittering sound will emanate from behind the wall. If you have not read any Lovecraft, then ignore it and you should be fine. Really. Just don’t holler too loudly in a prehistoric tongue nor offer the wall human sacrifices.

Virgo

The Pope will make a personal visit to your favorite coffee shop and humbly serve you a bespoke cappuccino, so don’t be too harsh if he messes up the order a bit. Your fantasies will increasingly feature a cereal box cartoon character, which may point to deeper food issues. Sometime around the gloaming each Saturday you may find it hard to count or use words of more than two syllables. If you own a pair of Crocs, stop wearing them. Instead, donate them to a local hospice.

Libra

It may finally be time to get that pet Komodo dragon, especially with the holidays just around the corner. It’s also a good time to invite the in-laws over. I mean, they’ll love your new pet. You should name him Sparky, by the way. Speaking of holidays, you can kiss yours goodbye, at least if you want to keep your job much longer. But don’t fret too much. A risky bribe could save you from a whopper of a traffic ticket.

Scorpio

A Leo will become a serious nuisance, but handle this one with care, on account of whom they know. Everything will begin to taste like mayonnaise, which is not necessarily a bad thing, per se. A nasty argument with a friend will reveal the shameful truth about their childhood and will scar them for life. Avoid the use of plastic and paper bags for a while. Oh, and cloth ones, too. And shoes. And public transportation. And Sriracha sauce. And spoons.

Sagittarius

If you can do it, move into a gated community immediately. If you can’t, consider a bunker, like on Doomsday Preppers, at least for the next few years. I’d also recommend a sturdy umbrella, like a Senz. Guess what? It’s lottery ticket time for you! That lucky number is finally coming due, you can bet on it. Also, no, you don’t have shingles, but whatever it is, it’s not good. And it is contagious. Still, this Thanksgiving is a day you will not want to miss.

Capricorn

After years of your life spent bitching about computer problems, a strange peace towards poorly made technology will finally settle over you. Sure, mild dementia is part of the reason, but that’s not the point. Take advantage of your new-found calm to take up cross-dressing or, better yet, sword swallowing. Be careful of a jealous aunt, however. She has it out for you, and she’s as relentless as a pit bull on Ecstasy. Best to hire professionals, maybe from Craigslist or something.

Aquarius

After what seems to be the ten-thousandth time the drive-thru window person has screwed up your order you are finally going to lose your shit. A few days in jail will give you the time you need to figure out how to really make that business idea work, so long as the girl you hospitalized doesn’t sue for too much. A close encounter with Steven Seagal will leave you feeling dirty in a creepily good way. You will discover you are allergic to head cheese.

Pisces

An Instagram obsession will grow out of control and require a family intervention that ends up on Vine. An inheritance of $17.32 will cast a pall over your week, and gravity will seem to grow stronger throughout the month (actually, you are just getting heavier). Your lover will swear to an encounter with an angel and begin reciting religious verses. A retired fireman will accuse you of bullying him on Facebook. A great deal on hand lotion will become an embarrassment.

If today is your birthday

Count yourself lucky, because if it was yesterday, well…you don’t want to know. Blow out your candles and make a wish, but please stop wishing for that perfect mate. One of your presents will be wildly inappropriate, while another will be a re-gift. Yes, revenge is a justifiable response. Also, an aquatic item will feature in a private conversation. Your best hours today will be between 4:25 a.m. and sunrise.