From the Pulpit: Wanderers in a Strange Land

A modern woman

This post is in response to two sermons from the book From the Pulpit, by Bob White. The first is entitled Wanderers in a Strange Land, and the second is called Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Both were delivered to groups of young women in Bob’s ward while he was Bishop.

Based on my last few posts it probably seems like I am obsessed with gender differences. And maybe I am. I do live with two girls, after all. But these sermons just happened to be next in line and I still feel like I have some work to do in articulating my thoughts on the subject. In any case, the first sermon was given to girls in a camp setting, where Bob spoke about how young women are equipped to endure difficult times. Here’s a key sentence that comes close to the end:

“I testify…that He will be with you in your difficult times and that with Him, even though you feel like a ‘wanderer in a strange land,’ your soul can survive.”

The idea of a young woman feeling like a wanderer in a strange land really struck me after reading the second sermon which (despite the title) was about how young women should seek to get a good education to improve their economic outlook. Here is a key quote:

“We acknowledge that the most significant role that any adult woman can play is as a wife and mother. This is a holy and divine responsibility, blessing, and opportunity. However, it is not meet or wise that our LDS women should focus on this responsibility to the exclusion of others.”

One reason this second quote stood out to me is that it sounds so strange to modern ears. In a church setting, it may once have been necessary to establish your bona fides by making it clear you don’t question that the proper place for a woman is in the home. But these days that kind of thing sounds about as modern as this old-school defender of the patriarchy:

A Typical Patriarch

Still, society needs people to stand up for and defend the traditional view of the family. And women can have some fundamentally different psychological and emotional strategies that are relevant to family life (i.e., manipulation and persuasion as opposed to domination and cooperation).

Essentially, I believe that the modern world tries to empower women by telling them they need to be more like men. Women need to Lean In and develop a Growth Mindset. It is not really acceptable for a women to declare “I want to be a wife and mother. I want to depend on my husband for my financial success, and I am going to employ emotional strategies to get what I want instead of engaging in economic relationships based on cooperative exchange of goods.” At least, it isn’t really acceptable in secular society. Inside the LDS bubble it is still okay, but many LDS girls are not satisfied with what they hear at church.

That is, the simple message that “the most significant role that any adult woman can play is as a wife and mother” can feel oppressive. Why should women be limited to jobs like changing diapers while men occupy every position of power? Girls are just as smart as boys. In fact, they tend to do even better at school. Why should they be stuck in roles that don’t exercise their full capabilities when there is a whole world out there to explore and so many ways to challenge ourselves?

The answer isn’t the same for everyone. But we need to be ready to explain why it’s okay to choose a life where you depend financially on your husband and where you focus your efforts on raising children. Some girls are simply going to be happier if they adopt a more traditional view of gender roles, and approach their relationships in a way consistent with that view. If you are one of those girls, trying compete in the economy on your own might just leave you feeling like an impostor…like a wanderer in a strange land.

So how do you know if you are one of these girls? Well, one sign may be that when you take a personality test you are labeled neurotic. Or as I prefer to say, you are more sensitive to economic and emotional threats. You want to feel safe, and you feel like you are entitled to feel that way. When you feel anxious you want those around you to feel it, too. You also might have a tendency to feel guilty.

My daughter is like this. She goes through what I call the anger-guilt cycle, and she expresses herself forcefully at each stage. First, when she gets angry she says the meanest thing she can think of:

“Dad, I am never going to love you!”

Then she softens just a bit to try to get what she wants:

“I am never going to love you until you apologize!”

Then a little bit of guilt seeps in:

“If you apologize, then I’ll apologize”

And finally (sometimes within a few minutes), the guilt takes over and she tries to repair any damage that might have been done to the relationship:

“Dad, I love you…I’m so sorry”

Maybe someday my daughter will outgrow her tantrums, but one thing is clear. She isn’t like me. She has a need and a talent for manipulating people using both positive and negative emotion. And even though some of her expressions are not particularly subtle, she is becoming more skilled every day.

And I think it’s amazing! This is who she is, and if I really want her to feel comfortable in her own skin I have to help her love and respect this part of herself. I don’t think that her emotional strategies are just for children. She is developing skills that can serve her throughout her life. If she becomes skilled enough, she could probably use them to get what she wants in her career. But my hypothesis is that for someone like her, true happiness depends on finding someone that she can manipulate within the context of a committed, loving relationship.

But a young man trying to get married can’t really tell her that “the most significant role that any adult woman can play is as a wife and mother”. You just don’t! Nevertheless, there is truth to these words, and there is a serious lack of meaningful dialogue between the defenders of traditional patriarchy and the post-modern deconstructors of it. Is a bridge between these two perspectives even possible?

On the one hand, it is clear that women are capable of contributing economically. Many women are probably going to be happier if they have at least some work outside the home. On the other hand, women really are different from men psychologically (at least on average). But even if some of these differences don’t translate well into economic competitiveness, we can’t just tell emotional and threat-sensitive girls that neuroticism is bad, or that they should just adopt a different personality .

So, a few points to summarize:

• Some feminine psychological adaptations aren’t well suited for success in a competitive world based on financial exchange.
• Making girls ashamed of these attributes (or telling them they need to be more like men) can lead them to feeling like strangers in a society that has no place for them.
• It’s okay for a girl to want to get married and depend for her survival on her ability to motivate and manipulate her husband.