Le pain quotidien

By the age of 30 I was living exactly the life I dreamed about. I have put a lot of care into the design and a lot of effort into the build. It looked great. The outward life. My inner life was akin an arctic ice shelf covering an active volcano. I was imploding and yet could not feel anything. A bunch of vague but debilitating health condition set in. I was drinking too much. My relationships… well, let’s not even go there. And that’s only the tip of that volcano. The deeper you go, the more layers of emotional pain and suffering you find. All that stuff accumulated over years and years of “I can’t afford to go there”.

In a coaching conversation recently I noted my resistance to writing. It’s something I procrastinate with. I know it’s good for me, I have decided to make writing my daily thing, yet something is holding me back. “What are you afraid would happen?” – the coach asked.

An answer came immediately. I am afraid the truth would come out. I am afraid I won’t be able to deal with that truth. Once you see it black on white on a page, you have no other choice but to acknowledge it, and once that’s happened — deal with it.

There have been many many inconvenient truths in my life. You know, stuff like “This relationship is over”. Or “I am no longer interested in maintaining this friendship” or “I am very unhappy here” or “I feel deeply unlovable”. For a very long time I have been avoiding seeing most of these truths because I did not want to know. I thought I could not afford to. But like a beach ball that does not stay under water for long, truth becomes harder and harder to keep from surfacing. Over time, the effort required to keep your truth submerged is just not worth it. I understand now I cannot afford NOT to know.

How does one begin to face into all that? As it turns out, one writing session at a time. I simply cannot believe it has only been a couple of months since I started writing again (after a 10 year hiatus). My life has completely transformed over these few weeks. By giving myself a permission to just write, I began excavating layers of calcified crap. So, for now I will carry on with a steady daily diet of free flow writing.

I know I am on the verge of something huge, and you guys have the front row seats. Stay tuned.