On Not Being Liked and LOVING It

From a young age we are trained in the art of being liked. We are taught that this concept is what will get us far in life. But the definition of getting “far” in life is subjective. Sure being liked will get you to certain places, but does it get you that far from home? Perhaps we want to be liked because it enables us to plant our roots in solid ground. But is the soil that great for the roots you’re planting?
You see because I think that training to be liked only leads you far in the sense of misery. And when I think about this interlinking concept of being liked and misery I think back to Brené Brown whom I talk a lot about. But she speaks on 3 different ways we trade authenticity for being liked.
- Please — We do what we feel is necessary to make other people happy by sacrificing who we are. This looks like going to a party with your friends when you would rather stay home and recharge. It’s not speaking up because you’re afraid someone won’t like your opinion.
- Perform — Shakespeare said that all the world’s a stage. We spend less than 1/2 of the day actually presenting our true selves. We have been taught to display public versions of ourselves. We shove and push down things society has deemed unfit for expression in the open. We put on a show for people to see [some of us more than others] *insert Eye Emoji indicating that I’m watching you fools out here*
- Perfect — How many times do we hear the narrative of not good enough? Our work ethic is not good enough. Our grades are not good enough. Our attitudes are not good enough. Our religiosity is not good enough. Soon we start to ascribe to the idea that we as a people are not good enough. We pander in the streets, we work tirelessly. All in an attempt to create a cute little dollhouse for people to peer into and think Man their life looks so great and so perfect. Nothing ever goes wrong for them. They have it all.
In the past I’ve attempted to appease the trifecta. Please. Perform. Perfect.
But nothing has been so draining in my entire life than to try to get everyone to like me. I have never learned so many lessons than when I have fallen on my face from people not liking me. I used to hate the bite it had. I used to fear the salt infected wounds people would leave behind. I used to believe that there was something wrong with me.
How can people hate me when they can’t even see my heart? How can people lie and venomize my name when they haven’t spent two seconds getting to know me?
And I used to make up for what I thought were inadequacies. I would buy people dinners, coffees, lunches to get them to believe I was a good guy. See! I’m not who you thought I was. I’m not the person you were made to believe through haunting whispers. Do you even know me? This is who I am! Hello!
I would bake cakes, desserts, I would give people random gifts, and spend money I didn't have trying to get people to look at me differently. Stop listening to all these rumors. Stop hating me because you feel justified by someone else’s lies. Stop for just a second and see me for who I am!
I did all this until I realized that nothing I could ever do for some people would ever change their opinion of me. The alchemy of my kindness could not touch the desolate bitter hearts of my counterparts. Their hatred was rooted too deep. They had planted their seeds in the soils of wanting to be liked just as I had, which meant that to keep their plants alive they had to Please. Perform. Perfect.
It has taken me the past couple of years to realize that I needed to uproot those poisonous vines I planted so long ago. I had to deprive every seed someone planted in my garden that made me think I needed to be liked. I choked out all the toxic idealisms of todays perfect male for society. Because I had decided that I no longer wanted to be liked. I didn’t want to belong anymore at the sacrifice of my well being.
Instead I started to view people’s hate for me as a loving gesture of who I am. You see because people don’t like you for all kinds of reasons. But most of the time it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. Now there are exceptions: My general rule is don’t be a shitty person.
Because of course if you’re just an outright shitty person [Defined as a liar (chronically), backstabber, any -ist (racist, sexist, etc), y’all get the picture] then yes the problem is you. The problem is your inherent behaviors that need adjusted. You’re not liked because you blame everyone else for the things that go wrong in your life. You’re not liked because you lie to everyone about who you are. You’re not liked because your incessant need to bring others down when you’re down is not cute. You’re not liked because your shit talking of other people doesn't make you holier than thou, it just makes you seem obsessive [Which some people are and won’t admit it] *insert another eye emoji to let y’all know I’m still watching and listening*
Listen, I’ve made mistakes. I will own that. I have messed up [many times] in my life. But I will own them all. I will admit guilt when it is necessary. But in life we must fall in order to change. We have to burn our old selves away mistake by mistake. It is more than probable that I possess a few qualities deemed unlikeable by inherency. But theres also a list of reasons why I am not liked and LOVE it:
- For being loud
- For being weird — that out there kid
- For being successful and balanced [while trying to keep humility high]
- For being proud of who I am, what I stand for, how far I’ve come
- For living my life how I want not how society, my friends, or my family wants
- For not being dragged into the valley by malcontents
- For not allowing misery to be my company
- For speaking out
- For writing my truth
- For having a ‘strong’ personality
I could spend days writing a list of reasons I’ve heard. And I no longer cringe at these bullet points, I praise them. I laugh louder for each one. I smile more for each one. I love harder for each one. Because every time someone tells me they do not like me and they can’t give me a solid reason or at least give me something I can improve on then it’s garbage. And thats not to say that even when people tell me that I can improve in some area that I take their advice to heart. Perhaps the way I live is not up to their standards of living but if we don’t share those standards then I’m not changing who I am to make you comfortable. I’m not gonna sacrifice the person I’ve become to allow you to stay oppressive of my intersecting identities.
I think my overall message is to stop believing that you need to be liked. Stop believing that if you’re not liked there is something wrong with you. Start loving who you are! Start being authentic and watch as the toxic people fade and crawl away. The real people will start to trickle in and fill in the gaps with their wholeness. You will feel relieved that you can be yourself — free.
Start teaching yourself that it’s more important to be a good person than it is to be liked. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, theres a difference between a good person and a nice person. I prefer the former. I may not be nice all the time, but I’m a good person to those around me and thats what counts.
My personality and my existence doesn't need confirmation from toxic colleagues who have yet to mature enough. I don’t need validation from people older than me who act like high schoolers. I don’t want advice from mentors naive to the struggles of real humanity.
My patients affirm all this for me. My teams affirm this for me. My closest friends affirm this for me. God himself affirms this all for me. #TooBlessedForYourStress
I’m not sorry if you don’t like me because I’m not who you want me to be. Change your expectations of who you think I am and then maybe we’ll agree. Until then I can only quote the words of the Queen herself
“You know you that b***h when you cause all this conversation”
