My co-founder at ooomf has been writing some really great posts. I want to get in on the action. I want the praise. I want to be featured. I want strangers to read my words and do a subtle agreeing head-nod while taking a longer-than-usual morning deuce because my post is that good.

But what do I write?

I first thought to write about happiness. I have studied positive psychology and have successfully tricked myself into being happy for years. I even made a web app to track it. Then recently, I made a startling discovery.

See, I found a single, easily-controllable metric that has a direct correlation with (my) happiness. So I started writing:

After years of collecting data on myself, I found the one metric with the biggest correlation to happiness. I know what you’re thinking, “number of handjobs per minute?”
Nope, sorry. Try again. Sadly, HJPM is subject to the law of diminishing returns. Just like money earned, pizzas eaten and children fathered. The 83rd child may be great, but he’s not gonna make you any happier than the 82nd one.

“No! That’s not good enough, dammit,” said the voice in my head. “This is your first post. It’s important. You can’t just post the same dumb shit you put on your tumblr. And you sure as hell can’t talk about handjobs. This is Medium, dammit, class it up!”

M > New Post

What about money? Budgets are so broken! The standard financial advice about how to budget is a massive conspiracy which sets consumers up to fail and thus overspend. Yes, this is it! This is the perfect first post.

I started writing:

Imagine a skinny guy who hasn’t eaten in days. Then put him in a room where he will be locked up for the rest of his life. Now also put 30 gummi bears in that room with him. Then tell him to only eat one gummi bear a day but you won’t be watching and in 30 days you’ll give him 30 more anyway.
That poor skinny bastard’ll be out of bears in a week and the rest of the month is going to be pretty rough. You’ve set him up to fail.
And that’s exactly how stupid monthly budgeting is.

Gummi bears? Skinny prisoners? What the hell am I doing?

Now if I was my co-founder Mikael, at this point I would add in some facts about the science of self-doubt and offer a startling conclusion about what’s going on in my brain. But instead I’ll let the data speak for itself:

Fig 1.1 — Based on real data I made up

Fascinating stuff, but I really should get back to writing my first post. After I get a bagel. [Editor’s note: Angus has lived in Montreal for almost 18 months and has yet to eat a bagel. This could take a while.]

Delicious. I can’t believe I waited so long to try those. Now where was I? Oh, right!

M > New Post

My next idea was about dating, but then I remembered the text I got the last time I blogged about a girl I was dating:

Please stop. You’re making me uncomfortable.And GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!

(That text is 100% real. Except the part about the son.)

So what then? I know! I’ve been beta testing the food-replacement Soylent and it has made me re-examine my relationship with food.

I started writing:

I’ve always had a strange relationship with food. Not a sexual one, mind you — I’ve never stuck my manhood in an Oreo, though I admit that would indeed be strange. But nothing has changed how I feel about eating more than not eating. It’s like I’m a skinny guy in a prison cell…

I’ll stop that there, I think you can see where this is heading.

In the end, all these topics are worthy of my time. But like with starting companies or dating or finding a budget that works, you can’t succeed until you fail. And I think we can both agree that this first post was a colossal failure.

But my second one — that one’ll be perfect.