Is My Depression My Fault Because I Don’t Read the Bible Enough?
I had this conversation with a friend who has been dealing with depression. She was exploring why she was feeling guilty (which is actually a depression symptom itself) and realized the culture she grew up in made her feel that she must be bringing depression on herself by being spiritually weak. I have her permission to share this slightly edited version of our talk. While she feels like she is struggling spiritually, I see that she continues to live out a vibrant discipleship in the way she loves and serves people and loves and serves God. Note: She is West African, but I see this perspective in American evangelical Christian culture as well.
Her: I come from a culture where there is a predominant implicit view that depression is a spiritual thing that you can just pray away, that you can worship away, that you can read your Bible away. You have to be doing something spiritually wrong in order to suffer from depression. Even though I know that depression is multifaceted and multidimensional, when it’s affecting my ability to do those spiritual practices, I wonder if there is a spiritual cause. Maybe I’m distant from God so that’s causing the depression. Or maybe the depression is causing the distance from God? Knowing that God can work this period for a purpose gives me a slice of hope. Maybe I should be growing closer to God in this time, but depression doesn’t allow me to. There are all sorts of complications to it. I’m trying to study depression in the Bible, to see who had it, why, and what they / God did about it. I question if my reduction in word, prayer and worship time is a cause. And yet — even when I try to continue in those things — it just isn’t the same.
Me: That perspective seems to see God like a bad boyfriend who emotionally punishes you if you don’t pay enough attention to him. A good partner, on the other hand, loves you and is faithful to you even when you are sick.
Her: No, I don’t think it’s God causing it in retaliation. I’m wondering whether, due to my neglect of spiritual disciplines, my spirit is unhealthy, and as a consequence depression is a symptom.
Me: Prayer and Bible study are not magical actions. I’m not sure that spiritual disciplines are designed to make us feel good. Being depressed isn’t necessarily a symptom of spiritual unhealthiness. It can be, but isn’t necessarily so. You can be very close to God and still be depressed (see the Psalms). You can be far from God and feel reasonably happy with your life. Practicing spiritual disciplines, like studying the Bible, fasting, worship, prayer, etc., are not magical actions that always make us feel better if we get the formula just right.
Her: True. I feel like that’s what’s taught for the most part, or at least implied.
Me: But I don’t see any Biblical support for that idea.
Her: I get that consciously and agree and would say the same thing. I realise I probably have accepted this concept on an unconscious level and tried to apply it. I have a lot of unlearning to do.
Have you ever felt this guilt while dealing with mental illness? That if you were more “spiritual,” you wouldn’t be struggling like this?
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