Priority #1 for Pastoring Abuse Survivors

I didn’t set out to have this focus, yet I have ended up providing relational support and pastoral care to abuse survivors. It’s an honor and a serious responsibility to be trusted with people’s painful stories.

As I have studied abuse, recovery, and emotional health, the number one most important response I’ve discovered is this:

Respect their “No.”

Abuse overruns victims’ boundaries. It infringes on their autonomy. It makes decisions for them. Abusers ignore their victims’ right to say “No.”

A big part of the recovery process for abuse survivors is learning to say NO. One way friends and pastors can contribute to their healing is creating an environment when they are free to make decisions for themselves, free from repercussions.

For example, when a husband is verbally abusing a wife, a friend might step in and say, “You should leave him.” Well-meaning friends may put pressure on a woman to leave an abusive relationship, but when they try to:

• make decisions for her
• tell her what to do
• punish her with relational distance when she doesn’t take their advice

they are simply taking the place of the abuser in her life.

A better way to help a friend who is suffering abuse would be to say, “You do not deserve to be treated that way. If you choose to leave, I will help you and support you. If you then decide to go back to him, I will keep loving you.” Build her up until she is strong enough to make healthy decisions on her own.

During abuse recovery, survivors learn to speak up for themselves, learn who are safe people for them, and learn that their “no” will be respected. People helping them in recovery need to be gentle and careful about offering advice and pushing survivors to make decisions.

We must be careful not to take the place of the abuser in their lives by telling them what they may and may not do.

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