3 Ways to Set Clear Boundaries When You’re Grieving
Setting boundaries when you’re grieving is hard to do. Your mind isn’t working the way it normally does (which is very common by the way) and life is so different now, that doing something you normally would do in the past, can feel quite overwhelming.
But setting boundaries will keep you safe. Especially when you’re as vulnerable as you are. Use the suggestions below as some ways to set clear boundaries with others when you are grieving.
State Your Needs
Again, your brain doesn’t work like it normally does when you’re grieving. So this suggestion isn’t about figuring out what your needs are. That’s very hard to do when you’re grieving. It’s about communicating a need in a given situation, dependent upon whom you are with and what the circumstances are in when the moment is happening.
That can sound complicated in itself so let me share an example.
You’ll set more clear boundaries with others when you say things like “I need ____” more frequently. Say it soft. Say it with kindness. But make sure you actually say it. Here’s an example. “Steve, I need you to cook tonight. I am just not in a position to do so right now.”
Also, notice how this suggestion is about stating your need rather than asking for your need to be met. There’s a big difference between the two. Asking can set yourself for disappointment or even rejection. Asking requires more energy from you. More energy to clarify. More energy to plan. And that’s energy you don’t really have when you’re grieving.
Instead of asking, state your needs. “I need to lie down. I need to get some fresh air. I need to take a bath.” These are statements. They keep you empowered. They also set boundaries with others. Whoever you’re saying this to can either honor and respect your need or not.
Remember that you’re in a delicate situation. You’re vulnerable and need support from others. One of the best ways to get that support is to state what you need in the moment.
Say Yes When a Yes and No When a No
Sometimes grief-related boundaries get construed when your energy is low, you don’t have the best recollection of time and space and someone shows up with the intention to support you but then starts taking over your grief.
They’re trying to help. But it feels like they’re running the show. They tell you what you’re feeling. They tell you what to do. They put you in situations where you don’t know what’s best for you or you don’t know what to do, but you find yourself saying things like “sure” or “ok”, only because it’s easier and less exhausting than really thinking things through and discerning what is authentic, true, and of the most help.
Hindsight can be 20/20 but if years from now you were to look back and evaluate what was happening at the time, what you would most likely find is that in a very unfamiliar way, you were caught up in a situation of people-pleasing. You were putting someone else’s needs before yours; most likely to avoid conflict, conserve energy, or to keep the person around because you might feel lonely otherwise.
In essence, that “yes” isn’t really a “yes!” It’s more of a “yes, because…” It’s convenient. It’s easier. And it preserves energy. (Energy that you need because grief is so exhausting.)
Setting a clear boundary by saying yes to something only when it’s an absolute yes will help. It will keep your grief yours, and help keep your larger grief journey more authentic and true. So say yes only when it feels like an absolute yes.
On the flip side, it’s sometimes hard to say no because you might think it will be hurtful to others. You may end up feeling guilty if you say no. However, you need to stay safe. And you need to honor your grief. Say no when you know you really don’t want to. Trust that your boundary is there to help you heal. Trust that saying “no” is the best thing to say in order to care for yourself.
More Time Alone and Privacy
Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of people share parts of their grief story- in which they are spending a lot of their time holding space for others. Their self-care, privacy, and time alone are being limited, or even cut off. They’re not getting enough time to be alone and have the much-needed privacy.
Sadly, this creates more pain and contributes to feeling more alone. Rejecting the need for privacy or time alone pulls you down a rabbit hole of isolation and loneliness. It’s ironic because, logically, it doesn’t make sense. How could more privacy and time alone ease loneliness?
But this is grief. It doesn’t work logically or even chronologically. More time alone and more privacy does actually ease loneliness, as long as your grief is honored for what it is, isn’t judged, and you do things to self-nurture, care for, and love yourself.
Many people have told me that they feel guilt when they spend more time alone. They feel selfish and sometimes unthoughtful or irresponsible. I have to be honest here and share that I also struggle with similar guilt related feelings like these. I know I need to spend a lot of time alone. I often feel guilty for not giving my family enough attention.
But the self judgments have to be countered with self compassion. Sometimes, the self judgments have to be met with confrontation. “Wait, this doesn’t have to be true” is something you could tell yourself. Or “Hey, this is just an old story playing out here” is another good one. You can even use my personal favorite, “My dog would never judge me like that so I’m not going to either.”
Please acknowledge that the time alone and the privacy you need is to help you heal. It’s to help you honor a sacred space within yourself. This is space that no one else will fully understand. This is a sacred space that no one will ever know exactly how it feels. This is a sacred space that needs to be tended to and nurtured only by you. This is why having privacy and time alone is so important. The sacred space is necessary for your grieving process.
There are many more ways to set clear boundaries when you’re grieving but I hope these three ways give you a good starting point. I’ll be sure to share more in future articles.
Setting boundaries in grief is very important. It keeps you safe in times that you’re vulnerable and in pain. Try any of these ways to help you feel the sacred space your grief needs to feel healing. But please be kind to yourself as you try these out. It may take a few times before you notice drastic change. It’s important to have self-compassion throughout the process.
Reid Peterson is the Creator of the Grief Refuge app. Grief Refuge is a daily companion to help support people on the grief journey. Download for free on iOS or Android to get daily support.
