5 Signs it’s Time to Let Go — Even if You Still Love Him
Sometimes the writing is on the wall.
No matter how good a relationship may start out, no matter how strong of a “spark” you two have, there are certain patterns or behaviors that may come up during the course of dating someone that signal they may be holding you back instead of lifting you up and propelling you forward. This is by no means an exhaustive list, just five recurrent issues I have experienced myself, that I wish someone would’ve told me to watch out for.
1. You Feel Like an Obligation, Not a Priority
No one should feel like an obligation in their own relationship. You’re both there because you want to be there, it’s a choice. No one should be dragging their feet at the thought of calling you when they get off work, or spending their weekend with you. That should be something they’re excited to do, an action they do because they want to talk to you or see you. So if the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally is starting to make you feel like the last To-Do item on their checklist, then that’s not okay at all.
I’m not saying that you should be your partner’s #1 focus, 100% of the time. That’s not reasonable either. In fact, spending too much time or focusing all of your energy on your partner can be a sign of codependence, which can also become incredibly unhealthy. We’ll get to that later.
However, the person dating you should want to spend time with you and talk with you pretty often. That’s a given. Especially as your relationship progresses, when you’re in an exclusive long-term relationship you should at least be one of the top priorities on your partner’s list. If you or your partner have gotten to a point where something like talking on the phone at night has become draining instead of recharging, then it’s a good time to address it. If you’re draining each other by spending time together, then that’s going to only continue to be a serious issue in the relationship.
However, if it’s simply an issue of timing or balancing other obligations while also spending time together, then that something you can communicate about and find a compromise. Is there something going on in your partner’s personal life, with work or family life, that’s been sapping all their energy lately? Is the timing that you talk on the phone cutting into their other responsibilities or self-care activities? Is there a better time for you two to chat? Is that something you can both compromise on and still make a priority?
Compromise is key here. The main takeaway is: if someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll find a way to make you a priority. If you have brought up your concerns and communicated that you are no longer feeling like a priority to them, and in response they discount your feelings or get defensive, then that’s a problem. If they’re not willing to compromise with you, that’s not a relationship you need to stay in.
2. You’re Fighting in Circles
If Post Malone’s Circles has become more than a catchy Top 40s hit, and is actually a pretty accurate description of your current relationship status, then it’s time to re-evaluate. Posty was right, if you feel like you’re “running in circles” when it comes to conflict with your partner, then it may be time to let go.
Most couples have issues that reoccur throughout the relationship, that’s normal. It’s how you handle those issues that can make or break your relationship over time. Can you handle conflict constructively, where both individuals get a chance to speak and feel understood? Or do your fights end in screaming matches where both parties walk away feeling frustrated and angry?
Common recurring sources of conflict can be different value systems, jealousy issues over a certain person outside of the relationship or other insecurity issues, struggles over finances, etc. Some of these can definitely be bigger issues than others — ranging from a little sore spot of conversation to feeling like an all-out war between you and your partner. Learning to deal with conflict constructively is what will make or break any relationship.
You can’t be the only one trying though. If you’ve tried discussing your issues at a calm, neutral time with your partner, and they’re still not interested in trying to progress past your reoccurring issues, then it may be time to save your breath and stop wasting your energy.
3. You’re Struggling to Feel Heard
This is an issue that can feel very obvious or be very subtle. Ask yourself, when you tell your partner about something — like a problem at work, a family issue, or even a memory from your childhood — does he listen to understand you, or does he listen to respond to you?
A lot of people in our day-to-day lives (ourselves included!) are guilty of listening just to come up with a response. That’s how a lot of conversations function, people only participate to hear themselves talk. Now, maybe that’s a greater social issue that we don’t have time to get into right now… however that’s not how your relationship with your partner should function.
Your partner should literally be the one person who listens with the intention to know and understand you. Literally the one person you can expect that from. It’s really not even asking that much. Why else are they dating you if they don’t want to know you and understand you fully as a person? Then they’re just wasting your time.
If you feel like when you talk to your significant other, and it’s a 50/50 chance that they’re going to actually listen to what you’re saying and offer a thoughtful response…then that’s a 50/50 chance that you’re going to be let down. Or if they only respond by redirecting the conversation to talk about themselves, then that’s not someone who’s actually interested in you and what you’re saying.
If you are constantly listening to them talk about their experiences and offering them full emotional support and spending all your effort to understand them as a person, and you’re not getting that same effort in return, then that is not fair to you and you deserve more than that in your relationship.
4. You Feel Like You’re Asking For Too Much
Sometimes, when you’re not with the right person, they make you feel like your standards are “too high” or that you’re expecting “too much” from them. Most of the time, this just isn’t true.
Are you asking them to spend thousands of dollars on you for your anniversary, just to prove they love you? Or are you asking that they spend time with you, listen when you speak, support your interests, or champion you as a person? If it’s the latter, then no you’re not asking for too much.
Other times, as people begin to struggle in their relationship or begin feeling insecure with where they stand with their partner, sometimes they’ll start to “move the goalpost” to try to make their partner prove they actually love them. This can come up especially if you’re already having other issues, like increased conflict or feeling like you’re both “growing apart”. To try to compensate for your insecurities over other issues, you try to “test” your partner’s love for you, and hope they’ll meet the arbitrary expectations you’ve made up for them in this moment.
This can look like, “If you really cared about me you’d come pick me up and take me out tomorrow night.” Or “He didn’t text me right away this morning, he doesn’t care how I’m doing.” Or something along those lines. When our mindset starts to work like this, it only damages our relationship further. Suddenly our partner is being unfairly judged and analyzed on every little thing they do. No one wants to be held to a standard like that, where you’re designed to fail eventually.
So take the time to ask yourself and even write out a list: What are your standards? Come up with a concrete list and think about if you’re holding yourself to those same standards. Are they pretty reasonable? If there’s nothing too out-of-the-ordinary on your list of how you expect to be treated, and your partner is still unwilling to work with you, it’s okay to know you deserve better.
5. Your Mood is Dependent on Their Actions
To me, this is the most important sign to look out for. This is something I myself struggled with in my last relationship and it’s a sign of unhealthy codependency. Codependency is described as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner” and has often been used in reference to those struggling with addiction and those around them who enable them. However, in more recent years it has been extended to a wider range of relationships, especially romantic relationships. Many people in close relationships become codependent on each other and rely on each other heavily throughout their days. There is definitely a line where this kind of dependency begins to do more harm than good to a relationship though.
If you find that your daily emotions are often dictated by your partner and his words or actions, then that’s something to take seriously. For example, in my last relationship I found that my overall mood and outlook was often affected by my partner’s actions, even if they were incredibly minor or insignificant. If he texted me something sweet in the morning when I woke up, I started my day on a good note and went on feeling happy. If he didn’t text me in the morning or just texted me something short (because he was busy at work or running late, for example) then I immediately started my day feeling disappointed and kind of unhappy. I felt like I wasn’t important to him or that he didn’t really care about me. Now you might think that’s not too unreasonable, but really think about it. Do you want your whole day to be determined by a text someone sends you? Do you want your whole mood determined by how someone else acts towards you, which is completely out of your control? It’s like handing your car keys to someone else and hoping they get you where you need to be. You’re just along for the ride.
To keep a relationship healthy, you need to be responsible for your own happiness. It is not your partner’s responsibility to keep you happy and regulate your moods. Likewise, you are not responsible for your partner’s happiness. You both have needs and are there to support each other and add to each other’s lives, but you are complete person all on your own. You will feel a lot healthier if you are able to be content on your own.
None of these signs are a guarantee that your relationship is doomed to fail — but if you see something, say something. One of the most important components of a healthy relationship is communication, so if you’re noticing an issue you both have been struggling with, the most important thing you can do is talk about it. If you’re both willing to work and compromise, then there’s no reason you can’t overcome any of these struggles. However, if you’re the only one doing the emotional work and feel like you’re not making any ground, then that is not a balanced relationship, and it’s certainly not fair for you.
You should not have to shrink yourself down to fit into someone else’s version of a “relationship” where they are not challenged to grow or become a better partner for you, the person they say they love. You deserve the relationship you have imagined for yourself, with someone who rises to meet your expectations and wants to grow with you. If your current partner isn’t willing to try to give that to you, it may be time to pack up your things and take your pretty little self elsewhere.
