Grief: There is no art. There is no science.
And there is no escape.
They say the only thing in life that is permanent is change.
I paraphrase this by saying:
Life is nothing but a constant confrontation with loss.
Every change entails loss. Every loss comes with a degree of grief.
When a child loses a toy, she cries, she gets angry, she negotiates, she becomes sad, and on some days, she feels okay about it, thinking another child is probably happy with that lost toy.
When couples decide to go on their separate ways, their children go through the same mixed emotions, and maybe even more.
When we break up with a loved one, end a friendship for one reason or another, change jobs or careers, get diagnosed with a sickness, transfer homes, get married, lose a friend, a pet, a family member to death — we go through a process of grief. Yes, even things that are amazing can cause us to go through grief, and that is normal.
Sometimes it can even sound silly or petty to others: losing your favorite shirt, knowing that your go-to coffee shop did not survive the pandemic, a potted plant dies after you go on a vacation, you forgot to save the Word document you’ve spent hours working on, someone else got the parking slot you were eyeing... The list goes on.
It is simple, and suddenly it can get complex, all are painful, annoying, frustrating in varying degrees, experienced in different lengths of time. Sometimes it lasts a second, minute, an entire week, an entire lifetime.
And it never ends.
Someone asked me a couple years back, “Rach, how come some people are happy and I am not?” I don’t recall now how I answered this, but I hope I told her that happiness requires a lot of work and a ton of life skills. Just like any skill, getting to the point of contentment and happiness requires practice.
Unfortunately, we do not live in the time of the Matrix, so in order to practice a skill, we will need to be in circumstances where we will have to make the choice to either develop it or do nothing about it.
No one was born knowing how to play the guitar. One will have to practice playing and making awful tunes— with a guitar. But then again, the instrument and all the resources one might need can easily be present in the room, but the willpower to pick it up, use the resources, actually learn and make mistakes are all up to that person.
It is the same with happiness.
Nobody was born happy. Heck, we were all crying our lungs out when we entered this world. We experienced our first grief when we left our mother’s peaceful and nurturing womb. We had to learn skills like communicating our needs, walking with our feet, feeding ourselves with our hands in order to survive. We failed many times, but now, these skills have become natural to us.
I would even argue that the state of being happy is not in our nature. We must learn to hack life and access happiness, joy, contentment, satisfaction.
The Psychology of Grief
I’ve written about grief about 4 years ago, when the pandemic hit. I was invited to so many local podcasts and webinars in 2020 to talk more about the collective grief we were experiencing during that time in history.
But I wish people would also realize that grief happens on a daily basis, and that it is a complex human experience that has no one solid framework or definition; it is unique to each individual and the responses to loss also vary on so many levels.
Psychologists who specialize in grief therapy and research have, however, identified several commonalities in people experiencing loss, and one of the more popular frameworks have made its way to the mainstream during the pandemic.
Below is a depiction of the Five Stages of Grief by Kubler-Ross, illustrated on a VeryWell Mind article. I reckon this is what most of us are familiar with.
Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut also came up with a more practical, more straightforward model, the Dual Process Model of coping with bereavement. They posited that there are only two major phases when we deal with grief: the loss-oriented processes and the restoration-oriented processes. The former involve confronting the emotions and experiences associated with loss, such as pain, anger, and denial, while the latter include the ways we move forward and manage life changes after the loss.
Another framework worth mentioning is William Worden’s Task-Based Model to grief, which starts with accepting the reality of the loss upfront. Working through the pain by processing the grief, adjusting to life without the deceased, and eventually finding an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward are the next steps.
What is particularly interesting in all these models is this: they all agree that it is not linear — we will “oscillate” through these steps and phases, like a ball inside a box hitting various different points, and this is nature of grief is what makes it what it is.
There is no art. There is no science.
I mean, this is not to say that all the coping strategies you learned in therapy are useless.
What I am trying to say is, there is no one blueprint to dealing with grief.
There is no fantastical art to it. There is no hard science. There is no pill that can make the existence of all these emotions disappear. Time cannot even guarantee healing.
We will just have to try them all.
What others have tried, we can try, too.
I think that one of the most healing things that one can do when experiencing severe grief is to talk about these feelings. It helps when you have friends who are emotionally supportive and are always game to grieve with you no matter what you are annoyed at, but not everyone has that. Talking to a therapist or counselor just to dump all these emotions (and I mean not even process — sometimes, we just need to dump and vent and cry) can help alleviate the knots in the chest.
If that’s not readily available and you need to release intense emotions right now, writing or drawing with no structure can also make it feel like you talked to someone. Literally dumping your thoughts on paper can be helpful. I write like an angry child when I do this, and then I tear the paper into tiny little pieces and throw them in the trash. It’s quite therapeutic.
Another way to deal with grief, anger, sadness, and depression is by exercising. I know, I know, who even has the energy, right? But if there are intense emotions inside of you, the best way to sublimate or alchemize them is by choosing an activity that has benefits to other dimensions of wellness. I tried kickboxing after having a business audit blunder that I hated myself for, and it worked in releasing all that anger. Yoga helps release sadness and depression on an energetic and spiritual level. Walking or biking on the street or close to nature helps ground you back to reality.
People have also attested to joining support groups and communities, whatever that may look like. A church, a tennis group, a book club — this gives us feelings of belongingness, an affirmation that we are not alone. Sometimes, these groups even help us heal our inner child or make us realize that others, too, have experienced similar emotions of loss. Joining these groups also force us to somehow plan and organize on a short-term: Saturday yoga and brunch, Monday night praise, Wednesday morning tai-chi. Whatever it may be, it subconsciously reminds us that there is life after today, especially when today is hard. That gives us a sense of purpose.
And just to complete my list for this article, there is one thing I think people forget to do when someone passes away: creating a memorial, a ritual, or engaging in activities that celebrate the life of our loved one. We could plant a tree or set up a memorial space in our home as a place of honor. We can also participate in activities or causes that were important to them, and share stories and memories with others who were blessed to know them during this lifetime.
Talk about the person. Talk and talk and talk about them. It helps to keep their stories and memories alive.
The journey is unique…
Things will be hard and different. That’s a given. There will be pain and anger, frustration and regret, sadness and even relief, bundled like a ball of yarn with different colors.
Be patient with yourself and your journey. Feel all the feelings, but also choose what to do with them.
I like what one of my coaches told me a long time ago when my beloved uncle passed away so suddenly:
There is no such thing as letting go. We just learn to move forward carrying that loss in our hearts.
Loving someone is knowing we will eventually part ways with them. I learned this lesson from Buddhist teachings— there is only pain and suffering in the attachment to one’s existence, including our own.
But that doesn’t make it easier, does it?
Wherever you are in your journey, I wish you are enveloped in love and support during this time and always.
While the article is generic enough for any and all kind of losses, I am writing this in particular for my best friend, Jean, who has recently lost one of the biggest loves of her life, her Lola Dolly. As far back as I can remember (and I mean when we were 9), Jean has only talked about Lola with the highest form of love and respect. It is impossible to grasp the extent of her pain, but I know her heart has all this love for her Lola that has nowhere to go now, except their memories.
I grieve with her. We, her friends… we all do.
Rest in peace, Lola Dolly.
Rachel is a certified life coach and a psychological counselor. She is the co-founder and co-director of Lighthouse Wellness and Life Coaching Services, a holistic wellness support group. Together with their pool of wellness coaches, psychologists, and counselors, they help people on various aspects of wellness and conduct one-to-one services online. For more information, visit www.lighthousewellnessph.com.
Rachel is also a certified yoga and meditation teacher and the owner of Treehouse Yoga Philippines. If you are looking for physical and spiritual wellness, you may visit www.treehouseyogaph.com.
