Why I Use A Vibrator On My Face

6 unusual beauty secrets that have helped me look younger.

Photo @Richard Austin

The exquisite women who work at my fancy San Francisco skin clinic look like fish. Very beautiful pufferfish. Their puffed-up lips are frozen into supermodel pouts. They have identical puffed-out cheekbones and the same smooth brows.

I look at them longingly from my side of the counter. I wish I could be a pufferfish like them. I would if I could. But it’s too expensive to be a pufferfish. That would require I get sandblasted (Fraxel™) for $3,000, or a facelift for $10,000.

But within my budget, even beyond it, I will try almost anything to look younger. In most other realms of my life, I am a steadfast vegan, environmentalist, and feminist. I weep at videos showing cruelty to farm animals, avoid buying single-use plastic, and rail at the patriarchy that keeps women as second-class citizens. But what I do for my face flies in the face of my deepest values.

What can I do? I can’t seem to not want to be a pufferfish. So I do the following in hopes of one day swimming in their midst.

Baby dick cream

One day, I was waiting at the counter of my skin clinic to buy my expensive face cream. I’m too embarrassed to tell you how expensive. Just look up, “What are the…