GOOD AT LIFE

Meet The World’s Best Walmart Conveyor Belt Grocery Loader

With my wife as my witness

by author

I place groceries on the belt like it’s the Tetris World Championship.

My Mindy thinks this is ridiculous.

She says things like,

• “What are you doing?”
• “Stop that.”
• and
• “People can see you.”

I say things like,

“Oh, God, I hope so.”

To be fair to Mindy, she’s not wrong about “What are you doing?” and “Stop that,” but I started believing she was wrong about “People can see you.”

Because no one ever dropped everything to stare at the seamless arrangement of my groceries and say, “Everyone, look what this man is doing! You couldn’t pound a sheet of steel paper between his peas and carrots! I’d wager he’s also a marvelous lover.”

The Inca worked in stone; I work in foodstuffs, but the result is the same:

Breathtakingly tight joints, no mortar necessary.

Not even a milk-packed lactose intolerant bit of bacteria could squeeze a fart between the building blocks of our legacy.