Navigating Tough Talks: The Artistry of Difficult Conversations
How to stop avoiding the problem
Be it having a difficult conversation with friends or family or conveying bad news to someone at work, difficult conversations are part of life.
People tend to assume that avoiding difficult conversations is better — they think having them would rupture the relationships. But it is just the other way around; not only do tough conversations help to deepen the bond you have with someone, but you essentially only make these conversations because you want to have the relationship with other person without just ending it. In other words, that relationship means something to you.
Here are a few things that can help to have the difficult conversations:
1. Understanding that it is a dialogue and not a monologue:
Never walk into having a difficult conversation with someone with an idea to dump your agenda. Set an intention to listen to the other person with empathy, and it is important to have a two-way conversation and listen to what the other person has got to say without judgment, it provides them sense of safety and an opportunity to open up and share.
It is extremely important to be open, honest, and vulnerable while having a difficult conversation and also be willing to be uncomfortable.
2. Taking time to reflect:
Before you even think of having these conversations with someone, take the time to reflect. Ask if you are projecting any of your preconceived notions or judgments. Clarify the facts and stick to them. Think of what you can do to avoid the blame game and what helps to come to a conclusion. Always stay true to your feelings and take ownership of your words and feelings.
3. Let the other person talk first:
Instead of starting with I really didn't appreciate what you said the other day, give them a chance to explain.
Try this instead: “Hey, the other day when we were talking, you said something like […] Was there any reason that made you say that? Can you explain it to me?”
When conservations start with — “you” said that, “you” did that — it always makes the other person feel less safe and more defensive, so try not to start by pointing at others.
4. Show the belief:
When another person accepts their mistake, it is important to acknowledge that you believe in them and you don’t hold anything against them. Voice your trust in their ability to make a change towards their actions, and behavior. Believing that someone can change provides them a hope to work on the issue and on themselves.
5. The magical tip:
Oftentimes times most conversations lead to arguments because of the tone or the way someone says the words. Instead of the arguments, we react to emotions.
The best way to counteract this: if it is a conversation with someone you really love, hold hands ! Holding hands calms the nervous system down and will most likely not lead to an argument, and helps stick to the actual context and feelings you want to talk about. And try not to take the words personally and help the other person come back to the center of the topic.
