Sizing up: The mental health hack I used to being okay with my body.
…and more. I’m no longer a prisoner of US Size 4.
This is a self-disclosure and a recount of my experiences alone.
Trigger warning: eating disorder.
I am 5'2" and, ten years ago, I would force-fit myself in a size 4. I was size 6 at most.
I was only 105 lbs then, eating only raw salads and in really small quantities, maybe 500 cals a day. Every day.
Despite being stick-thin, I was unhappy and hated my body. I thought I was ugly— not sexy enough, not thin enough, not attractive enough. I was just NOT ENOUGH.
I had an extreme fear of gaining weight. A 2-pound gain will send me off the rails, and you’d find me starving myself or trying out some unhealthy “cleanse” to shed the extra pounds off. I didn’t purge through vomiting, but I used laxatives after the occasional binge. I’d go to back-to-back yoga classes (even the heated ones, twice a day) after 9 hours of work, with the purpose of sweating off excess weight. I’d check the scale several times a day, logging differences depending on my activity. I’d get severely depressed and obsessed until I get back to my old weight, and I would chastise myself for “letting myself go.”
It also did not help that I was in the company of people who thought a specific body type (i.e., supermodel thin) was the goal. Our culture’s lack of tact added to the anxiety — in case you’re not familiar with traditional Filipino family small talk, one of our most common ways of connecting with people we haven’t seen in a while is to comment on one’s weight. “Kumusta? Parang tumaba ka.” (“How are you? You look like you gained weight.”) (I am trying to kick this habit, too.)
There came a time I actually lost my voice for 3 weeks because of laryngopharyngeal reflux. It is a type of acid reflux that, instead of a heartburn as experienced in GERD, the acid goes back up the esophagus and burns the larynx (aka voice box) instead. Some of the causes of this are eating acidic food (in my case, excessive coffee) and wearing clothes that are tight around the abdomen (hello, US 4 and 6).
Knowing what I know now, I’d say my younger self had an eating disorder. Anorexia Nervosa. I didn’t realize it until quite recently, because I would always justify all my red flag behaviors as “acceptable” for someone who has “healthy body” goals.
For years, I clung on to my size 4 and 6 (small and medium) clothes: jeans, shirts, leggings, bras — you name it. They were all taking up so much space in my closet, which really was a reflection of my subconscious:
I will lose weight again and fit in all of these clothes again. I cannot accept my body now and how it has evolved. I hate it. I am disgusted by it. I have let myself go. I am unattractive and ugly until I fit in these clothes again. They are proof that I have done it before, and therefore I SHOULD do it again. I am only at my best when I am in this size.
Every time I wear my size 6s and see myself struggling to breathe, these thoughts come rushing in, but of course I mask them with some humor, a lot of finding the correct photo angles and, when it’s hopeless, a little photo editing here and there.
Short-term, these helped. Long-term? No. When I now look back at the photos I probably retouched and edited, I only see a smaller version of myself (literally and figuratively), which tends to make me feel even more awful about myself.
I am now 41, and despite being more active than most people my age, my metabolism has certainly slowed down. I am now at my heaviest at 132 lbs and my belly is where I store my fats… my cheeks and chin being proud runners up.
On the good side, I no longer starve myself and I have learned to listen to my body. You’re hungry? Let’s have some nuts. Maybe a piece of bread. You want chocolate? Sure, let’s have a TimTam. Rice day? Okay, rice day it is!
But it’s not always indulgent. I challenge myself, too. You want a Starbucks iced coffee? Or do you just want something cold? Or maybe, you’re stressing over something — let’s explore that. What task are you trying to avoid? What upset you today? How else can we self-soothe?
I look at myself in the mirror and I see a version of me that’s gained weight, but I no longer feel unaccepting of myself. I feel, on most days, okay with it. That’s good. I mean, I know I can be better, healthier, stronger, but I don’t hate where I am now. I don’t hide it. I still have goals, but I will not punish myself anymore for not reaching them today.
How did I get to this point?
Here are two biggest changes I made, which I consider mental health hacks, at least in my experience:
- Revisit your environment. If you are with people who are body-obsessed, tie their self-worth on how they look, and (the most important) make you feel superficial, unworthy, unacceptable, unloved, or anything along these lines, they are not your people. Review your gym community, your Instagram and Pinterest feeds, your chosen industry to work in, the people you hang out with for brunch… And of course, the toughest: your partner. If the people closest to you make you feel any of the things I listed above, you might need to go through some difficult conversations with them. (It might not even be body-related, but if they make you feel those things, trust me, it still needs to be explored.) In my case, I am lucky that I feel extremely safe and loved by my husband no matter what, and our relationship does not hinge on how we physically look as a couple. I’ve also Marie Kondo’d my social circles and retained friends who make me feel grounded about myself.
- Size up: Wear better clothes. There are tons of articles and photos on proper styling for all body types. I didn’t ever believe in this until I saw it for myself. Trading my US size 6 for size 8 jeans has made me look slimmer and taller. I gave away my medium-sized sports bras and leggings and invested in a few large sizes — now I don’t feel like my body is being crushed even prior to working out! I can move better, breathe better, and I even look better. Parts of me are not trying to pop out of my clothes anymore. Clothes one size up have communicated these new thoughts to me:
I am where I am, this is my body now. It’s not too bad! I actually look good in these clothes. I think I have learned to value comfort and ease. I’m okay to grow and move forward with a stronger, healthier body, and a stronger, healthier body looks like this for me. I am no longer sick. Nothing hurts physically. I give myself permission to make fun of my jiggly parts now, without it being a statement about who I am as a person. I can now really listen to my body, eat intuitively, and work out with an intention that is healthy, and more importantly, safe.
We forget that sizes are just constructs created to determine how much material is used for a particular article of clothing—it was not meant to measure a person’s worth.
I would be lying to you if I said I don’t want to lose weight or tone up or be more athletic or stronger. I do. But I do not tie my self-worth or identity on those metrics anymore; I work out because I want to be physically stronger and healthier, and because I learned that some physical activities are actually fun! They give me energy and connect me to my happy inner child.
I’d also be lying if I told you my weight and body image anxiety have completely disappeared. Nope. The voices are louder on not-so-good days or when I come across a triggering post or chat with a person who might have caused me to ruminate about my body in the past. But I’d like to think I have become much stronger than my fears and my anxiety that I can catch myself faster when I start to spiral down. I also know I am in better control because I can choose to do the healthier, safer option.
And lastly, I’d be lying to you if I told you I don’t go on diets anymore. In fact, after this vacation where I drank more alcohol than usual, I am committing to go on a juice cleanse. I’m not trying to lose weight or punish myself though; I just need to make sure I get my nutritional balance back and for my liver, specifically, to get some rest. If I lose weight because of it, I’d still be rejoicing, NGL. But diets that make me feel awful? I’m done with those. I understand my body much better now, and I will not put her through anything that makes her feel bad about herself.
Given my height, age, body fat percentage, and my sickly genes, I am still careful that I stay on the healthy and safe side of the fence. I still choose to eat better, to exercise, to not tip over to being obese.
Diets, extreme exercise, losing weight as something “good,” an obsession for only eating “healthy” food (aka orthorexia nervosa) — these are all normalized in our society that we never question them. But are they really healthy? Are they safe to do? Remember: anything extreme will tip to the other side of the spectrum.
I believe that moderation and maintenance are part of realistic, practical, and compassionate self-love.
I aim to be truly healthy in all dimensions of my life. To live a full life. To have many more years of adventure and travel with my husband. To make sure my family won’t have to worry about me in the future because I am sick or in pain. These are now my “body goals” and I am set on these intentions.
I am ready to outgrow my old self.
This is my eating disorder recovery story — still unfolding, still ongoing. I did not get here overnight, and I still have body issues, don’t get me wrong. It took years of curating my social environment, online and offline, and coming to terms that a size 6 is not any better than an 8, or vice versa.
If there’s something that I go back to on days I become punitive towards my body and myself, it’s this:
Prioritize the way you experience the world. Your mental health matters more than the size of your clothes.
Update your style, put on some make up, get your hair and nails done, take that selfie. You do you, and love everything about you. Oh, and watch your thoughts — your body is listening.
Rachel is a certified life coach and a psychological counselor. She is the co-founder and co-director of Lighthouse Wellness and Life Coaching Services, a holistic wellness support group. Together with their pool of wellness coaches, psychologists, and counselors, they educate people on various aspects of health and conduct one-to-one services online. For more information, visit www.lighthousewellnessph.com. Rachel is also a certified yoga and meditation teacher and the owner of Treehouse Yoga Philippines.
