The Need For Perfectionism
Why do we hope to be perfect until we make the leap? Why do we demand ourselves to be perfect, but accept imperfection in others? Why are we looking for perfection if we hear so many times that it doesn’t exist?
Are we running after a unicorn or are we just running away from failure, constraints and being judged?
There are several reasons that lead us to strive for perfection in what we do. Today I’m going to explore some of them, what they are, my experience with each of them and what I’ve done and continue to do to avoid going down that path.
1. Perfectionism and the fear of failure
Being afraid of failure is normal. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Did you hear some of these phrases as a child, or now as an adult?
- He/she is so smart. → as if it were something that is or is not, something that is either born or not born with it.
- You cannot fail this exam/subject. → as if the only thing that matters was the goal
- It’s very difficult, it’s not even worth the effort → as if the difficult were equal to the impossible. It is as if the path to failure or success is not equally or even more important than destiny.
So many other questions or comments that make us see failure as something negative, and we should avoid and run away.
The fact that we want to reach an impossible perfection may be our mind unconsciously trying to defend ourselves from feelings that we associate with failure.
In the Fear of Change post, I talk a little about the fear of failure.
My experience
In 2020, when I was starting to build the SuperUs blog, I wanted to put it online and put it on social networks only when the blog design was perfect, then I decided to want it to have at least 3 publications, then I wanted the newsletter to be ready and that it was also perfect. I was constantly finding more things to postpone the blog launch, searching for being perfect because I was actually afraid of failing.
What did I do
I changed the mindset and started to build resilience.
I started listing my successes and learnings, not my failures. When I say list, it’s not thinking about, it’s writing, either on paper or on the computer.
When I realize that I’m facing moments when I’m procrastinating something because I’m afraid of failing, I rationally reflect on why and try to see myself as a child or a friend. We are always more understanding of friends than ourselves.
2. Perfectionism and the expectations of others
Has it ever happened to you that you want to prove your worth through certain things you’ve achieved, even if those things aren’t solely dependent on you and your work? You’ve heard these comments before, whether for you or someone else:
- What will others think of you if you do this?
- What will others think if they see you childless and husband/wife at that age?
- What will others think if they see you dressed like that / looking like that?
My experience
Before taking the Health Coach course, I worked for 6 years in the automotive sector. Do I like cars? No. But everyone said that the car industry was great for learning and would get a good salary. When I decided it was time to change jobs, after 4 years at the first company I worked for, I thought about changing areas, but I thought it was better not to take any chances. So, in my view, I took a risk going to another company in the automotive sector, but outside Portugal. I really enjoyed the experience, and when I told people that I was at Toyota, and I travelled every week to other countries to visit suppliers, that I worked with people from all over the world, everyone said it seemed like a spectacular job. I agreed, it was a great job, for someone, but not me. In 2021, I decided that I was living someone else’s “perfect” life, but not mine, that my definition of work perfection was not that, and that I needed to change.
What did I do
I started making my decisions with my definition of success
The summary of this point is: “Not many people want to know what you do, everyone is too busy with their problems. Even the people who want to know, they don’t have to live your life, it’s you, so YOU have to define what success is for you and work towards it.”
3. Perfectionism and comparison with others
We grew up hearing comparisons like “You can’t get a worse grade than he/she.” or “Your brother wasn’t like that.” We feed on social media photos with the stereotype of the perfect woman and man and filters that make us look like porcelain. Not only that, but we created a whole life story of a person with the photos and videos that he/she decided to want you to see, forgetting that, as a rule, people don’t go around showing their vulnerabilities.
We value the accomplished objective, but we forget about the process to get there. We want on the first attempt that we do something to achieve the same thing as a person for months or years.
He/she does it so well, I have to be able to do it as well or better. → You don’t know how long a person has been doing that, how many hours and resources they devote. What is it to be better or worse than her? In what way do you want to be better? What will be the benefit for you of being better than him/her?
My experience
When I decided to want to release my first YouTube video, I wanted it to be perfect because it was the first and I wanted to show other people and myself that I could. After recording and editing the video, it took me a few days to release it because I thought it wasn’t what I wanted. Initially, I looked for some videos on YouTube for inspiration, ending up comparing mine with these. The point is, compared to people who had already released at least 150 videos.
I’ve always been introverted and compared myself to the people around me and thought “I wish I could talk like that to strangers”, “I wish I could dance like that in public / do that”, “That person is perfect, she’s beautiful on the outside, friendly and outgoing”
What did I do
I accepted that we all go on different journeys and I learned to accept my journey as mine
No one is born knowing how to walk, speak or read, why would I have to wait to be born knowing, in my case, how to record and edit videos for YouTube? We all start our journey in different places and, even if we want to reach the same goal, we will have different paths because there are too many internal and external factors that influence us. That’s why it’s so important that we accept our journey as ours and distinguish admiring someone from judging ourselves when we compare ourselves to someone else.
I started to use my strengths instead of regretting my weaknesses
Rather than bemoaning my weaknesses, I began to see what I could do to maximize my strengths and what I could do to excel because of them. For example, in my case, as I was an introvert, I listened more than I spoke, and that helped me to really start listening to people, which made me understand them better and was able to create a greater connection with them. I made it my introversion to be a good listener instead of forcing myself to speak when I didn’t want to.
You can take this test to see what your greatest strengths are.
4. Perfectionism and the search for being better
Initially, when I wrote this post, I did it according to my perspective, which is perfectionism that paralyses and leads to frustration. According Wikipedia the definition is:
Perfectionism, in psychology, is a broad personality style characterized by a person’s concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.
Perfection is a state, variously, of completeness, flawlessness, or supreme excellence.
By this definition, perfectionism is defined as striving for flawlessness. As I mentioned in the first point, one of the causes for perfectionism is the fear of failure, the point is that to improve, we will need to make mistakes and fail, to learn and evolve. And this fear of failing and making mistakes can and does become paralysing many times.
We can also read striving for perfection, and on the definition of perfection is a state of supreme excellence. Striving for supreme excellence doesn’t sound so bad, and it says that we believe in our potential.
Afterwards, we read are accompanied by critical self evaluations. The “critical” here is difficult to define if it is good or bad because we must be critical to get better, but just as we try to give constructive criticism to others, we must do the same for ourselves.
In my perspective, perfection should be seen as infinity, we’ll never get there, but we can say if we are increasing the numbers or not . I see perfection and perfectionism as the process to be better and not the goal of getting there.
Coach Corner
And you? Have you ever put off saying or doing something because you thought it wasn’t “perfect”? Now reflect a little on what may have been the cause behind the search for this perfection.
- Why did you want to be perfect
- What does it mean to be perfect in this area?
- Who do I consider perfect in this area?
- What does imperfection mean to me in this area?
- What could happen if I wasn’t perfect in this area? What would I feel? What would other people think?
Now that you’ve answered these questions, reflect on the answers and think if they make sense and if they serve you in any way, or if it’s time for a change.
You just read another post from Mafalda Lima | SuperUS. Soon to be Health Coach. My goal is to help you become your SUPER version.
