What I Miss About You The Most
Their special person is gone and they told me what they miss the most about them.
In the Grief Support groups I facilitate, one of the biggest pains for each participant is that they just miss their special person so much. There are other pains but this one is the easiest for group members to articulate. Their special person is gone and they are missed all the time.
Today I want to share some of the reflections and stories from group members who gave special permission for me to ‘voice’ what they miss most about their loved one. These sharings are from exercises we did throughout the group. We reflected on memories and shared stories about special traits our loved ones had that made them who they were (and still are). We bore witness to each other’s struggles as we came to terms with loss.
This first reflection is from “Karen”. She lost her husband in 2018 and wrote this 4 months after his death.
What I miss about you most is the way you looked at me.
It made me feel like nothing else in the world mattered. You would stop everything on a dime and center your attention on me. It made me feel so important, so cared about, and so special. Your heart was wide open for me, and so were your arms.
I remember the first time I saw you laying eyes on me. It scared me. You were so focused. Had you not been smiling, I would have been creeped out and ran away. But you pulled me in. Did you even gesture me over? I don’t remember. Did I even take a step towards you? Who knows.
All it took was your eyes and your smile. They pulled me in like I was lassoed. It wasn’t love at first sight but it was something. How did you do that to me?
I’m never going to have another moment like that again. The thought of that rips me apart. It makes me feel hopeless.
I would be lying to you if I told you I didn’t think about ending it all. Right now, there’s little that keeps me going. I want to be with you. You still are the only thing that matters.
Currently, Karen is doing okay. She spends more time with a best friend; doing hobby activities, eating lunch together, and running errands together. Karen has a companion. She told me she feels a tremendous amount of grief still and it mostly comes at night when it’s dark and things are quiet.
She’s coping. Sometimes she’s good and other times things are treacherous. And what I admire about her grief journey is that she is fully accepting of whatever comes up.
The next reflection is from Sarah. Sarah and her fiancee were involved in a fatal car accident. Her fiancee and their dog were killed. Sarah survived.
What I miss about you most is your humor.
Man, you made me laugh. It made me feel so much joy. You were so fun.
Your humor was like no other. You didn’t have the best jokes or draw an audience to you but you had a special gift of making any situation we were in something we could laugh at.
Do you remember the time we were lost? That was both the scariest and funniest experience of my life. Our simple “day” hike turned into night too soon and we got off the beaten path. We weren’t equipped with enough water and we were in bear country. I didn’t think we were going to make it.
Somehow you started telling the story of the history of the marathon and that it had nothing to do with ancient history. It was the story of what we were enduring; hikes that are meant to be short but go on way too long. You even had that punch line of “brushes being invented by people lost in the woods.”
Where did all your humor come from? Your family isn’t funny. Oh, how I wish we could laugh together. Right now I don’t know how to have fun without you.
After checking in with Sarah in more recent times, she wanted you to know that she still doesn’t laugh like she used to with fiancee. She’s still accepting that every day, especially times when she hears people around her laughing.
The next reflection is from Courtney. She lost her best friend to breast cancer in 2020.
What I miss about you the most is that you’re the only person I can trust.
You were my only true friend. It seems like most of the people, other than family, want something. I loved you so much because you didn’t want anything other than to be together and enjoy life.
You were my most trusted friend. I could tell you anything because you never judged me and your intentions were to be loving and supportive.
Why aren’t there more people like you? I feel really lonely now that you’re gone. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about important things. It feels like all my trust left when I lost you.
Courtney wanted you to know that these days she keeps mostly to herself and that she’s okay with it. She now has several animal companion friends and she’s good with the love she gets from them.
The next story to share was written by Kim. Kim’s husband died in 2018 and she joined my group with a hope to feel more supported. Kim wrote:
What I miss about you most is the way we danced.
Michael, do you remember when we met? We both had two left feet. How was it not fate that we met at the community dance lessons back then. I told you over and over again that public dancing was something I feared the most but I never told you I was hoping to meet you there.
I didn’t know it would be you but I did know I wanted to meet somebody. It was never really about learning to dance.
But I’m so glad it all happened. I’m so glad we were partnered. I’m so glad we stepped all over each other’s feet. I’m so glad we apologized to each other dozens of times. I’m so glad we laughed about it and found a connection in our flimsiness and floppiness.
What I’m more glad about anything is that we continued to dance. It was our sacred bond. Our dancing fostered our growth. We worked out our differences with our bodies. We found harmony and rhythm together, not just in our movement, but also in our life together.
Dancing was a tremendous source of safety for me. I felt held. I felt seen. I felt loved by you.
I remember the way you lead me at first. You were uncertain but I could tell you were going to get it right. It was important to you. That was important to me. Seeing you grow in confidence and mastering your footwork and frame to hold me, lead me, and for us to gracefully move together.
We had such a beautiful bond. I miss it so much. I love you, Michael. I can’t wait till we have our next dance.
I caught up with Kim recently and she said she no longer dances but is now doing a lot of Yoga on Zoom. She doesn’t want to dance with anyone else and right now Yoga is meeting many of her needs.
The last story I want to share today was written by Lisa. Lisa’s husband died in 2019. Lisa writes:
What I miss about you most is the way we cooked together.
You were so stubborn in your belief that restaurants are overrated and true love is time spent together in the kitchen. Our kitchen is so lonely now. I look around, see all these pots and pans, and only wish for you to be here with me, making another meal together.
You would wear that silly apron with the crab on it. You would always be smiling as you chopped and sliced. You were always shoving food in my face, saying “try this.” You were so passionate and it was adorable.
I miss being your sou chef. I miss being your taste taster. But most of all I miss you. I miss your smile, I miss your singing, I miss all of you.
Cooking will never be the same now that we’re not together. The passion is gone. Don’t get mad at me for ordering Uber Eats. I only want to cook with you.
After catching up with Lisa, she was able to say she is cooking a bit more and now she feels Tom (her late husband) with her. She sets a plate for him and talks to him about what the food tastes like.
Thanks for reading these reflections and stories. Did you find any of them familiar? What I feel inclined to point out is that it’s okay to respond to your loss in whatever way helps. Forget about what other people try to tell you. Nobody knows your special person. Nobody knows what’s best for you. Keep doing what feels right to honor the bond between you and your special loved one.
It’s also worth noting that what was shared from these wonderful people took time to develop and formulate into words. They were a part of an 8 week grief support group. During those 8 weeks, they were asked to write a lot. You heard from people who deliberately held space for their grief, allowing the feelings to be acknowledged, accepted, felt, and expressed through their writing.
Each person you heard about today would flat out tell you to throw your expectations about grief out the window. Grief will take you on a different ride from what you ever would expect. Unlike that familiar cliche of “sit back and enjoy the ride,” this is a bit different. It’s more of like “buckle up cause you never know where this ride is gonna take you.”
Reid Peterson is the Creator of the Grief Refuge app. Grief Refuge is a daily companion to help support people on the grief journey. Download for free on iOS or Android to get daily support.
