I thought: people are dying between my hands and I can’t do anything
When we met the first thing I noticed a book that was on table. The book was falling apart but she was putting it together to read it. At that moment I felt that the her life was going to be like that book. Not that it was falling apart but coming together for a better ending. — Ferdi Ferhat Özsoy
Her story:
During the war, I experienced many horrible and traumatic events. This all started when I heard from a friend that in Deraa, children had their nails pulled off. I cried for one week, people who did this are not human, not even animals. I wanted to talk about this with everyone at university, but since there are many spies there, plus many of my school friends were on the regime’s side, I had to be careful. However, I started to go out on the streets to protest. Before I had never heard of the massacres in Hama, because there was no internet and it was not clear, but I became more aware. I wrote things on my facebook page and it got blocked because some people reported me. By this time, I started to feel less and less interested in my studies, because I didn’t feel worthy as a human being. I studied English literature and my dream was to become a translator somewhere, sometime. People were being killed, it was not the time for reading a book.
Then, one day when I woke up, more than 200 people had been killed in the square of Homs, where I lived. The streets were covered with blood. The whole city was dead, it was a mad night. Things really got worse and worse. After this I couldn’t sleep for a while. The next day, I went to a phone shop to get something prepared with a friend, but the shop owner told us it was not possible. He had two man lying in his shop who had been shot. They were dying. I tried to help to get them to a street where the police and ambulance could come to us. I wanted to help because otherwise they would die for sure. My head was totally empty and my hands, my clothes were covered with blood. I thought: ‘people are dying between my hands and I can’t do anything.’
By this time my university supervisor told me to calm down because I was ‘making myself obvious,’ and I said: ‘I am obvious, I can’t just be shallow and do nothing.’ She said: ‘you don’t understand, you might get murdered or raped.You better leave the dorms.’ Then I was like: ‘okay, I will think about it.’ I went home, to my village, but again on the way back to university I saw so much blood and things were so traumatic.
Several other traumatic events happened. My brother got kidnapped and after he was set free, he totally changed, he was badly traumatised. Later, a friend of my brothers, who was married to my best friend, got killed. By the time we heard this, we had arrived to Turkey. He was like a family member to all of us so this was yet another punch in our faces. On top of that, my friend didn’t believe her husband was dead for a very long time. She was so traumatised as well, she completely changed.She wasn’t eating. Not talking. I was in shock. She still said: he will come back. I told her: life goes on. But she was sure he was alive. Then i believed her, because it was her, and I wanted to believe her.
After my brother got free when he was kidnapped, my father told my brother and me to leave Syria. We had to leave. Until we left I taught English in a school in my village, I didn’t go to university anymore because of what happened to my brother. I lost all my dreams about studying and a career. The children really saved my live. It was a village close to the border and the children were from everywhere in Syria. They sent me letters and they brought me sweets and cakes. They were amazing. After this, I went with my family to Lebanon. We stayed there just for two months because we were treated like shit. It was really horrible. Plus, we were staying with 60 people in one house, it was crazy. I just wanted to go back to Syria. Instead, we went to Sudan.
Then finally, in 2013, we came to Turkey. For three months I was depressed and I did nothing. I didn’t come out of my room and I didn’t talk with anyone. After all this, I heard the news of that friend that had died. It was a horrible time. After this, I was like: ‘that was it.’ I didn’t wanted to hear anything about the war anymore.
I said, I will search a job and my father said, no way, youre gonna study. I didn’t know the language so it was very problematic. I found a job in cardboard factory. It was horrible, didn’t pay well. I found a job in a household stuff shop. People treated me very bad, but there was a Kurdish girl and she taught me turkish. She is my best friend.
Once a customer stole something, it was an old Turkish lady. There was another customer and she said: it was definitely a Syrian. I was behind her and I heard her, I said excuse me, what did you say? I got so angry with her. My manager came and he made her leave. The Kurdish girl calmed me down. I was really pissed off. They don’t know how hurtful words can be. From that moment on I wanted to learn Turkish really well to always understand everything. People said it was impossible to go to university. But I was working like 12 to 14 hours a day and it didn’t pay well, but it was okey.
After a while I got accepted for a university to study English literature and I was so happy about it. When I started, it was difficult, because so many people were looking at me, just because I’m a foreigner. But I made good friends. Now I am in my fourth year and it is going well. I would like to tell to people: don’t judge people before you know them. Think for yourself and don’t follow others just like a sheep. Believe me, if I had the chance, I would still have been in Syria.
