“I was totally alone. I was afraid they wouldn’t understand.
“When you make peace with yourself, you’re freed of hatred. I’m happy he knows what he wants and I know he will be, too. —
His Story
Five times a day I’d go to the mosque, fast in Ramadan, read the Quran and stay up all day to pray more. I used to be a very pious person. When we came to Turkey, I started going to the medrese to learn more about Islam and the Quran. I went to Imam Hatip schools — which are known for being religious — and I think I can say it was the starting point. I became less religious because I saw how life was, how life went. I stopped going to school for two years but I kept on reading about religions. I went to almost all the churches in Istanbul and a synagogue but in vain — none of them actually showed me how to convert, they just turned me down.
I was at the apex of my commitment in Islam, When my uncle came to Istanbul to work with my dad. I was so fond of him and his faith that sometimes I’d go stay at his house. He used to be a very faithful Muslim — or so I thought. He claimed to be The Mahdi. He claimed to have seen and talked to prophets. The things he said would happen, actually happen a week later. The Sheikhs around him would fully support him, which in turn, made me more convinced to support him, as well. He told me of a very near plan of his. He’d go to pilgrimage and announce the position graced upon him. I waited for that day so patiently.
Then, one day, I started suspecting. I was full of doubt, and it all came down at me at once. The Sheikhs who supported him owed him money. He was just feeding me lies. I waited for him to come back from his pilgrimage to Mecca and nothing really happened after he came back. I had doubts about everything around me and in my own self.
I didn’t stop believing in God, I always believed in God, it’s just that I stopped believing in religions. This was my answer when people asked me what I believe in. I didn’t really know what it was called or if people knew if it in the first place. I thought I was the only person in the whole world who was like this. I got depressed because of my loneliness. Sometimes I used to pray at night just hoping I could find someone to sit with and talk without being judged. The first light of hope was first sparked when I started to talked with girl on the internet and she told me I was called a “Theist.” And when I looked it up I was surprised by the amount of people who were like me, the people who had the same beliefs as me. Knowing that you’re not the only in the world like this is really relieving.
I did a lot of research. I sought the answer to myself everywhere I could find. After some research, I turned into an Atheist. I was at a phase when I blamed everyone and hated religious people. Then, I became an agnostic and just decided to be a good person and not own any hatred towards anyone. Looking back, most of the things I went through, unfortunately, I had to go through alone.
Almost a year ago, when I was an Atheist, I wanted to improve my relations with my family because they were bad. I came out to my father and tried to smoothly tell him that I was an Atheist. It was night so he simply told me to go to sleep and we’ll discuss this tomorrow. The morning after that, he told me not to go to work. I was so pissed because it seemed like he wanted to destroy my life just because of my belief. He took me to the cemetery and told me “What have you prayed for this day?” and I responded with “I think if God was fair enough, he would reward me for actually trying.” I don’t think he fully comprehended the notion and concept of a person not believing in God — he didn’t understand or accept Atheism. He started yelling and swearing at me. What shocked me — but definitely didn’t frighten me — was his statement: “I came here with two options. It’s either you become a Muslim again and we go back home, or I’ll bury you here alive.” I’m not sure whether he was serious or not. I lied to him and told him what he wanted to hear. He was just fooling himself if he believed me, but I guess that’s what parents do. They know who their children are, what they want, and where they’re going, but they just try not to believe it. They fool themselves. Why do you do this? Why can’t you just accept us the way we are?
I don’t have any hatred in me anymore. I started accepting everyone the way they are. I don’t care what your belief or religions is, I just care about how you treat me and others. I don’t even hate my uncle anymore, because he is the reason I am the person I am now. His lies showed me the truth. If you want to know how a person really is, look at how they treat someone weaker than themselves.
Some non-religious people try to use science to disprove religion and sometimes religious people try do the same. Man, you’re religious, I think that you’ll keep being non-religious even if science was against you, so why do you go so far? You’re going to believe in what you believe anyway.
I always like to tell people just to stop judging others. People always judge me for how I look, what I wear, where I come from or what I believe in. Why don’t you just stop judging me. Some people pre-judge me for being Agnostic. Just wait and see who I am and how I act. What I really do believe in is that today there’s 2.2 Billion Muslims in the world, so I say to myself “Then there’s a half Billion belief in Islam in the world.” Whether you like it or not, you do have different beliefs. So, stop judging people and give them a chance to really express themselves. Why don’t you just accept everyone?
