Surrender

SURRENDERING WHEN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

This is my first blog in quite a while. Since September last year I have been battling with a lot of physical pain, mostly in my brain and neck. This began by causing symptoms of nausea, dizziness, and migraines. I went through a period where they partially diagnosed me with an incurable condition called Chiari Malformation (brain/nerve crowding). I had to deal with the possibility of a life limiting condition which could cause a stroke, blindness, deafness, and brain clots. The only alternative was a very serious brain surgery. However after getting MRI scans and seeing a Neurosurgeon and a Neurologist, either a miracle took place or it was deciphered as not being bad enough to be called that, and that I didn’t have that condition, just something called Acute Migraine Syndrome. The pain remained, and the migraines became more frequent. After a while the pain has started affecting other areas of my body, like my legs, hands and feet. Every day I have some sort of pain in my head or body. I am taking daily painkillers to keep it at bay and function. Eventually the Doctor sent me to a Rheumatologist who diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and Neuralgia. This limits my ability to function normally, as well as my ability to work or write.

So as you can imagine this wreaks havoc on me physically, and in turn emotionally. For those of you who know my story; before my husband was diagnosed with Leukaemia, I battled for years with CFS. It is a miracle that I was able to do what I did when my husband was in hospital. However once he died, I think losing him, friends, and my dad within a short space of time caused a reaction in my body where it decided it had had enough stress, and thus it began to physically manifest itself. In my case in the form of pain.

In previous years I haven’t had the support of family close by, it is only in the last year that my family have moved to the U.K. People are busy and have their own lives, and to a degree I have had to be my own hero in finding the support and help I need. It has been a very long struggle to get the medical help I need, and now an application for government help. I’ve sought out counsellors, physiotherapy, testing etc… and to this end I still battle and receive the help I need.

So though this may be a story of woe, there is good in it…I frequently battled with the ‘WHY?’ Surely I had been through enough, surely my daughter had been through enough? For the first time since James died I got really angry for a while, and I had to put distance between myself and God because it hurt too much. Then one day, I decided to do communion with Chloe, and whilst I was explaining to her about what Jesus went through for us, I burst into tears in repentance. I realised how insulting it must be to him that I question his love for me. It was a revelation. Do I never ask again? No, I still do, especially when the pain gets too much, but now it is more of letting go and trusting, holding onto God and occassionally asking WHEN?

I am realising how much over the last few years I have come to God with my shopping list of needs and wants, and very rarely just spending time in His presence. Especially when you’re desperate for relief. Because I was battling with all these questions I felt I needed to really know who I am in Christ, because it was wreaking havoc on my identity. Because to be honest when I look at my life I see very little possibility of having a purpose or meaning when most days I’m holed up inside nursing a bad head or stomach. When all I do is just the basic tasks of looking after Chloe and then going to bed exhausted. I miss being someone’s wife, a healthy social life, having his support and companionship. Getting my head around being a widow and a single mum is a huge mind-shift. You are solely responsible and take on a greater load than you have ever known. I very rarely go out, so loneliness is a big factor.

So I am now learning the skill of just being. Just sitting, listening, or just waiting on his presence. Trying desperately not to ask, just to love and to be loved. Even when I really don’t feel loved. To fight the loneliness with being in his presence. It’s a discipline, one that I haven’t exercised for many years because of busyness. When I have no words, to just speak out Jesus, or speak in tongues. Occasionally God will put someone on my heart and I pray for them. I often think Paul must have had exactly the same questions. He was doing the will of the Father, and yet he consistently faced pain and persecution. Yet in those times he wrote so many books of the Bible that we now find Christ in for our lives. I wonder if he knew how far reaching those letters would extend, perhaps it would have helped in understanding the why? It really helps to lift our perspective from the here and now. I have to remind myself that this is all I see, but NOT what God sees. If He cares for the sparrows, how much more does He care for me, even if everything that is happening seems contrary to that, it’s where real trust and faith comes into play.

Along with what I face comes with a great measure of acceptance that we were never promised an easy life, but that we were promised that God will never leave us, and that He can take any situation and turn it for good. It is an absolute mind bender to try find the good when you are in daily pain. I need to take a step back because so much good is there. I see it most in my daughter, she is the greatest gift that God ever gave me. She brings so much light and life into my heart and mind, for this I will be ever grateful.

This experience has drawn me close to God, and though I know he loves me, if I’m honest it comes with the constant battle of whether he really likes me that much, or whether he hears my constant prayers. I don’t always get it right, I don’t always choose to come to him, sometimes I choose to numb myself because I can’t handle being disappointed again, so it’s easier to get distracted than face every day waiting and hoping. I’ve tried to ask myself the question as to why I do this, because I know he is the only hope. Therein lies the word I think I battle with ‘hope’, because I have held hope in things getting better and breakthrough coming, and that somehow he would restore all that has been lost in our lives, or just that something incredibly wonderful would happen to lift the weight I carry each day to get through. Yet no matter how much I hold out hope, I still get disappointed, be it that I have to face another brain burning migraine, or season of agony and pain from a flare up, or when I see my daughter crying because she’s so tired of seeing her parents having to suffer, or when she sees her friends with their dads and her heart is breaking for her own and the life she once had. So I try to take one day at a time; be thankful for what I have (the many little blessings that keep coming), and make sure I express it, put trust in action; and know that each new day is an opportunity to see what God will do or say.

The other emotion I think a lot of Christians, including myself battle, is that of shame. Shame that despite your faith you have not seen healing or breakthrough in whatever it is that a Christian may face. Shame that you don’t fit in with the norm. That somehow your struggles are unique to only you, and so you clam up for fear of seeming not mature enough as a Christian to have your life all together, balanced and free of struggle. I think this happens because maybe either we’ve been taught or just believe that suffering and brokenness is a problem that needs to be fixed. I have to choose whether I am real when someone asks me how I am doing or do I just brush it off with an ‘I’m ok’. We’re too afraid to go up and share a word or give a testimony because we believe that we have to have our lives in order and have seen miracles or the answers to prayers to be worthy enough to matter. Because the enemy loves to whisper in our ears that our stories of where God sustains us in our sorrow, pain or struggles aren’t as worth telling as the stories shining with wonder, and miracles. We need more revelation of grace, more love, and an understanding that suffering does not equal a lesser person, but rather the norm for a Christian walking this journey on earth, that never promised us an easy ride. To celebrate with those victors of faith that despite not seeing breakthrough, continue to have faith and hold on. To encourage one another, not try to fix them, perhaps just love them, and honour them for staying the course.

I love this quote from Paul Tillich ‘The shaking of foundations’:

“To be struck by grace does not mean we are simply making progress in our moral self-control, in our fight against special faults, and our relationship to others. Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life…Grace strikes us when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, our hostility, and our lack of direction have been intolerable to us. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into a darkness, and it is though a voice is saying: “You are accepted. You are accepted by that which is greater than you…do not seek for anything; do not perform, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted.”

So I conclude today, that faith can only really grow and flourish in suffering and resistance. Growth only happens when you accept that life isn’t easy, and was never meant to be. Faith encourages us to turn to God’s promises, and hold onto only those. That you are only purified by fire, not diminished, even though your body is telling you different. It’s so much easier to be lethargic and numb yourself than it is to wait on his presence. There’s grace, but no value comes from ignoring God. I’m learning to welcome him into my pain, and heartache, and the messes I make. Right there in the realness of the raw emotion and disappointment, he’s big enough to handle it, and he wants to be in it with us and show us his love.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened (by religious rituals that provide no peace), and I will give you rest (refreshing your souls with salvation.) Take my yoke upon you and learn from me (following me as my disciple), for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST (renewal and blessed quiet) For your souls. For my yoke is easy (to bear) and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28–30