My Name Is Wilaru, David Wilaru. I Carry A Pen.
By David Wilaru* (David Wilaru’s bio appears at the end of this story)
Do you remember that old TV show, Medium, where the housewife keeps getting wakened up in the middle of the night by some shocking psychic dream? Well, something like that happened to me a few days ago.
I remember every detail. The dream was as clear as watching an ultra-high-def Blu-Ray of Godzilla on my 60 inch Samsung.
The words “January 16, 2020” appeared on the screen over an image of the White House Press Room. Up front, at the podium, Mr. T was fielding questions from a mob of reporters.
CBS reporter Major Garrett raised his hand and the President pointed at him.
“Mr. President, do you have any comment on the stunning remarks Mr. Giuliani made on Fox News yesterday?”
“I’m too busy rebuilding the economy that was wrecked by the America-hating Democrats to have time to waste watching television. . . . You, in the back–”
“Mr. President, yesterday Rudy Giuliani said that everything the recently-filed fifteen-count federal indictment accuses him of was done under your direct instructions in the service of the National Interest. Sir, did you order Mr. Giuliani to–”
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you referring to Rudy Giuliani, the guy who used to be the mayor of New York City? Because, as one of the biggest and most successful developers in the history of New York, of course, I know who Rudy Giuliani is, or was. But that was a long time ago. I live in Florida now so, of course, I’m not involved in New York City politics anymore.”
“Mr. President, Mr. Giuliani was talking about actions he says he took under your direction as your personal attorney.”
“My attorney? I have dozens of attorneys, hundreds of them. When you’re a hugely successful billionaire businessman AND the President of the United States you have more lawyers than dogs have fleas. Every time I turn around there’s some lawyer standing there waving papers at me. You can’t expect me to remember every one of them.”
“Mr. President, Rudy Giuliani has been your personal attorney for over a year and a half.”
“Well, anyone can say that they’re my personal attorney. That doesn’t make it true. I mean, how can I stop someone from claiming something like? You fake news vultures will print whatever you want no matter how phony it is.”
“Are you saying that Rudy Giuliani has never been your personal attorney?”
“Look, this Giuliani person may have done some work for me, I suppose, filed some papers or something. I can’t remember every paper pusher who worked on one of my incredibly amazing business deals. I have a lot of them, you know.”
“Mr. President, Mr. Giuliani told Fox News that even if he is convicted on some of the fifteen charges that have been leveled against him, that you would absolutely, positively pardon him before he serves a single day in prison. When he was asked why he was so sure of that he said ‘Two words: Video recordings.’
“Does Mr. Giuliani have incriminating video recordings that he could use to coerce you into giving him a pardon for any crimes that he might be convicted of?”
“There you go again, Fake News. I am the most honest, truthful, law-abiding person who has ever been elected President by one of the greatest landslide victories in American history.”
“So, there are no incriminating videos of you?”
“Fakes! They’re all fakes! They can do anything with movies these days. They could make a video of the Pope throwing a hand grenade into the crowd at some baptism, but that wouldn’t mean that he did it. I wouldn’t believe that the Pope would do something like that.
“No decent person would trust any of those fake pictures of a man having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl or giving the Russians the nuclear launch codes or accepting the key to a Swiss safety-deposit box filled with eight-hundred and forty-seven million dollars in uncut diamonds.
“Those hackers can fake anything, no matter how untrue and ridiculous it might be. Would you believe that the Pope blew up fifty people with a hand grenade just because you saw it on You Tube? Of course not!”
“So, you’re saying, Mr. President, that you won’t pardon Rudy Giuliani if he’s convicted?”
“Wait, who? Rudy Jewel?”
“Rudy Giuliani, Mr. President.”
“Rudy? Rudy Giuliani? Who’s that?”
— David Wilaru (Dwilaru@gmail.com)
David Grace is sometimes alleged to be Mr. Wilaru’s alter-ego (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)
To see a searchable list of all David Grace’s columns in chronological order, CLICK HERE
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All 50 of David Wilaru’s columns are collected in The Wilaru Chronicles
*David G. Wilaru, A Brief Biography
David Wilaru’s early employment was in the creative paperwork allocation and re-allocation sector, but he always knew that his true calling was to be a Wordsmith.
After his divorce from his wife, Sharon, whom Mr. Wilaru once described as: “…as frigid as a penguin in a KitchenAid,” he pursued his dream of a writing career with a stint drafting product manuals for Godzilla Brothers, Inc., penning the user manuals for such cutting-edge Godzilla Brothers’ products as the Delilah Magic Hedge Trimmer, the Trident Electric Fork and Wordbuster, the world’s first solar powered fountain pen.
After leaving Godzilla Brother following his unfortunate involvement with Dr. Werner Buick’s Thirty Day Plan and overcome with ennui, Mr. Wilaru founded SCRAP, The Surrender Company Representing All People, a project that, unfortunately, led to his brief confinement in the Feldman-Margolis Memorial Psychiatric Ward where he edited the patient newsletter, Four Soft Walls.
After his release from the Feldman-Margolis Center, Mr. Wilaru accepted a position as a slogan writer with the 1001 Adult Greeting Cards For All Occasions Company of East Los Angeles, Inc. where he diligently honed his creative talents.
Thereafter, Mr. Wilaru went on to hold a senior public relations position with the Silicon City medical appliances company, BodySpares, Inc. where he directed the marketing effort for the Mirage Artificial Pancreas 690 RG.
After BodySpares’ unfortunate difficulties with the SEC, Mr. Wilaru joined the start-up, Xcitement, Inc., where he designed the marketing campaign for the Xcitement Confidential Adviser (popularly known as “The Brain Box”) and single-handedly coined the slogan “Get Sane At Warp Speed.”
After Xcitement’s sudden bankruptcy, Mr. Wilaru took over as the head of Marketing and Public Relations for Memories-R-Us, Inc. where he directed the advertising strategy for The Dog Box and other Memories-R-Us products.
It was during this high-tech marketing period that, in his spare time, Mr. Wilaru wrote his first paperback novel, the moderately successful Grip Melman, Garbage Detective: The Case Of The Hostess In The Can.
After the unfortunate litigation generated by the book’s Second-Printing Party, Mr. Wilaru obtained a position as a free-lance writer and later as a staff reporter for The American Inquisitor Weekly News Magazine, a post which he still holds today.
A self-described obsessive-compulsive Wordsmith, Mr. Wilaru regularly writes about subjects of topical interest including Gay Marriage, Hollywood Culture, the rapid growth of Amnesiaiology, the Patriot Act, Middle East Developments, and his specialty, UFO Babies, together with other matters of broad general appeal.